10 Time-Saving Tips to Make Your Life As A Busy Mom Easier

Let's face it.  As I've said many times before, right here in this blog, parenting is hard.  One of my goals, as the Been There Done That Mom, is to help my fellow moms' lives easier.  Over the past 13 years of my parenting life, I've had game plans, adjusted them, re-adjusted them and polished them.  Now, in particular, I have to be organized.  I am temporarily a single mom because my husband is deployed for at least 18 months.  He's been gone for 6 months already, so I'm getting pretty good at staying organized.  (I hope my friends and family who read this don't laugh out loud.  I'm trying.)  It's an ongoing process, but in many areas, I've got it down...  For now, anyway.

So, here is a list of 10 ways you can make your life easier.

1.  Keep a Calendar and Actually Use it.
Sure, it seems obvious.  What family doesn't have a calendar hanging on a wall somewhere in the house?  The problem arises when appointments, meetings, field trips, strings concerts, etc., don't make it from the email messages and newsletters to the calendar.  I find that as soon as a new date pops up in my email or in a phone call, I have to walk immediately to the calendar and write it down or it floats out of my brain, never to be found again.  Even better than having just the paper calendar or white board, is one of the online calendars.  Google has one, Mac has one, there are several out there and if you put an appointment on a specific date, then anyone who has access to the calendar can see it.  This is very handy for busy families.

2.  Plan Meals
One of my least favorite things to do is plan what is for dinner.  It's definitely one of my weak areas.  Once I know what we are having, though, I can go into auto mode and cook the meal and put it out without incident.  So, I find that if we sit down and decide what we will have for dinner each night of the week, on Sunday, for instance, I don't have to think as much and the evening goes much more smoothly.  Sometimes I let one child or another plan the meals for a week.  Or, I give each child a day of the week to select the menu.  Giving the kids input helps them have some ownership of the plan and makes for less whining at dinner, and less need for wine at dinner for me!  A second point in this step to making your life easier is, when making your shopping list, you should try to write the list in the order the items appear in the aisles of your store.  I, personally, prefer to do my shopping at Target, if possible.  The prices are good, I can get my groceries AND my every day items, AND I can stop at Starbucks on my way out of the store.  It's the trifecta of shopping trips.

3.  Set Homework Time
If left to their own devices, I think most kids would wait until just before bedtime to do their homework.  This is not a good plan.  I also think that making kids do their homework as soon as they get home leaves a lot to be desired.  Kids need some down time, just like we do.  At our house, we set an alarm to go off at the same time each day.  When the alarm goes off, about 45 minutes after the boys get home from school, they know it is homework time.  No arguing.  45 minutes gives them time to wash up (very important after a day at school), get a snack, run around or watch TV or whatever helps them relax and refresh.  By the time the alarm goes off, they should be ready to get to work.

4.  Set Expectations
This idea is less concrete than the others on the list so far.  But, it is probably the most important for helping to make your home life easier.  If kids don't know what you expect of them, you can expect them to fail to live up to your expectations.  Be clear.  Explain what you expect of them when you say, "clean your room."  Or if you say, "clear the table," but you really want the dishes, napkins, serving dishes, condiments- EVERYTHING, off the table, then make it clear that that is what you expect.  Setting the expectations ahead of time will save you a lot of time either doing the task yourself or explaining what you meant in the heat of the moment.

5.  Let the Kids Sort the Laundry
In our house, with 4 boys, I realized early on that having separate hampers for the different laundry loads would save enough time to make it worthwhile.  I bought a sorter with three separate sections.  The boys, including 3 year old Harold, know to put darks on the right, lights in middle and whites on the left.  All I have to do on laundry day (pretty much every day is laundry day around here) is take the clothes from one section, drop it into a basket, carry it to the laundry room and wash.

6.  Keep Socks Separate
I have to give credit where credit is due.  My husband, Horatio, came up with this idea when he saw me struggling to sort through about 100 white socks.  Each son has a different brand of socks, which is a start in helping to make the pairing up process easier.  Horatio came up with an ingenious way to make it even more simple, though.  I bought 4 lingerie bags and labeled each with our boys' names.  When the boys go to put their laundry in the proper section, they also put their socks in their own bag.  Then, when the socks are clean and dry, I can quickly pair them up and put them away.  I've even gone further with the older two boys, ages 13 and 10 1/2.  I take the bags and dump the socks into their underwear drawers and let them do the pairing up each day.  Let's face it, a white sock is a white sock and since each kid has his own brand, they all match.

7.  10 Minute Tidy
I have to admit that I stole this idea from a children's show on PBS.  The clown character used to have a 10 minute tidy in each show.  I applied this idea to my kids.  If I tell the boys to "clean up the playroom," they get overwhelmed and annoyed and the whining begins almost immediately.  If I set a timer, turn off the tv, turn on music and proclaim that it is time for a 10 minute tidy, the whining is minimized and you'd be surprised how much can get put away in 10 minutes.  I should get back to the Set Expectations point, though.  Explain that tidying up means putting toys/video games/books/etc. in their proper places.  Sticking everything under the sofa or in a drawer is not really cleaning up.  Doing this will just make the job harder next time.

8.  Make Good Use of a Coat Rack
I'm pretty sure some readers might have read that line and said, "huh?"  So, I'll explain what I mean.  Last summer I was overwhelmed by our family's pool outings.  We have a membership to our neighborhood pool and the boys like to go every day.  But, when the boys started asking to go to the pool, all I could think of was the 4 wet suits, the 4 wet towels, the goggles, the swim shoes, the snacks, the MESS!  After a lot of thinking, I came up with the idea of a coat rack.  I went online and searched for a relatively sturdy one.  I wanted one I could use in the summer for swimming gear and in the winter for coats and hats.  Now, when we get home from the pool, the boys hang their suits and towels on the coat rack in the entry way.  Sure, it's not the most attractive thing to have near the front door, but people who come to our house know we actually live there.  It's not a show house, after all.  At least this keeps the stuff from sitting in a pile collecting mildew!  The rest of the gear goes into a cute pool bag that I ordered from Lands End, and the bag stays in my car.  Now, when it's time to go to the pool we just grab our stuff and go.  We know where it is, the suits and towels are dry and the goggles haven't gotten lost somewhere!

9.  Labels
No, I'm not talking about deciding which of your children is the smart one or the silly one or the trouble maker.  That would be wrong... right?  A few weeks ago, I was finally fed up with finding more drink ware than we have family members on the kitchen counter and table.  The boys would take a cup, drink from it, and then leave it on the counter or table.  Then when they were thirsty again, they'd forget which one was theirs and just take another one.  By the end of each day, there were at least 6 or 7 kids' cups in various positions around the kitchen.  So, I took out a sharpie and labeled cups with the boys' names on them.  Now, not only do they know which cup was theirs, if someone leaves one out at the end of the day, I know which kid to "remind" to put it away.  There's no room for error OR denial!

10.  Don't Put it Down, Put it Away
I'm as guilty as the next mom when it comes to clutter.  It makes me crazy, though.  I turned over a new leaf this year- at least I'm making an effort at doing so.  My new philosophy is, "don't put it down, put it away."  This way of thinking and doing helps everyone in the family.  I try to remember to put things away the first time, so I don't have to do it later.  It basically saves half the time.  If you are carrying something in your hand, take the extra minute to put it in its proper place and you won't have to move it later.  If I carry one of my 3 year old's toys in from the car and set it on a chair in the living room, on my way to the kitchen, I'll eventually have to go back and pick up the toy and put it somewhere it belongs, which will take at least a minute.  If I put it in its place the first time, it will probably take an extra 20 seconds than just setting it down on my way through the house.  Doing it the right way every time would really add up to a lot of time saved.

11.  Bonus! Hire a Professional Cleaner
Yes, it will cost some money, but it will save you SO much time it is probably worth it.  Let's face it, cleaning your house is time consuming and with our busy lives, we probably don't do a great job at a thorough cleaning.  I find that hiring someone great to clean my house not only saves time, but it keeps my house cleaner and neater.  Every two weeks, a fabulous woman comes to my house and cleans it from top to bottom.  I have to tidy up before she comes, so it keeps me motivated to keep the house less cluttered in the first place.  Of course I have to spot clean in between.  I have to clean the toilets practically every day- I do have 4 boys, after all.  But the house is spotless once every two weeks, even if it's just for a few hours before the kids track in the leaves or spill pretzels or drop their school papers in a trail from the door to the kitchen.  I cherish those few hours and you probably will too.

“I wrote this blog post while participating in the SocialMoms and Starbucks blogging program, for a gift card worth $30. For more information on how you can participate, click here.”

Why I Love Verizon Fios

As a Mom of four children,  I can say for sure that all kids are different.  Personalities can be molded, slightly, buy nurturing and environment, but when it comes down to it, really, personality is biological.  Plus, there are some things that are the same for all kids.

As a military spouse, I have had to do a lot of parenting solo.  My husband works long hours.  He often leaves before dawn and returns after the kids have gone to bed.  He has also been deployed for 2 years over the course of our boys' childhoods.  We have moved 10 times and have never lived close to family, so, as I've said in my blog many times, I often have to use television as a babysitter.

Over the years, the kids' tv viewing has evolved.  For Zack, age 12, I recorded Teletubbies on an 8 hour videotape so that I would not have to rewind again and again.  When Dwight came along, I had the tapes that I'd made for Zack and dvds had become commonplace, so no more rewinding.

When Bob was small, we purchased a dvd player with a built in dvr.  I thought I'd gone to heaven.  What a great convenience, I though.  We could record his shows, and ours, and watch them when we wanted to watch.

When we moved to Northern Virginia in 2009, our realtor said, "You have to get Verizon Fios.  It's amazing."  I have to admit that I wondered what the big deal was, but I made the call and had it installed.  I liked the idea of having phone, internet and tv all under the same service.

Little did I know about how fabulous the service is.  I'm glad I didn't know what I was missing before we moved here.  What I love about Fios, and can't imagine living without now,  is the multi room dvr. 

I love the fact that I can record my three year old's programs and he can watch them on any tv in the house.  I recorded an hour long episode of his favorite show 15 months ago and it's still there, on the dvr.  He can watch it in the kitchen while he eats breakfast and I clean up from his brothers' breakfast, or he can watch it in the master bedroom while I take a shower.  I love it and he loves it.

I also love the fact that, since, as a busy mom of four with a deployed husband, I usually miss my favorite shows when they are on in the evenings, I can can watch them in the basement while I run on the treadmill the next day- or 3 weeks later- whatever the case may be.

Fios also has great customer service.  With their in home agent and the ability to chat live via the internet, if a problem arises, their friendly customer service agents always help me solve the problem quickly, so I don't lose the features I love.

I really hope the Navy doesn't move us again, or at least not to an area not served by Fios.  I'd really miss it.


“I wrote this blog post while participating in the SocialMoms and Verizon FiOS blogging program for a gift card. For more information on how you can participate, click here.”

Please help

Please support my other blog, about my husband's deployment.
It is just a simple click of a thumbs up for deploymentdiatribes at:

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I'd be VERY grateful. Thank you.

Mother's Day- slightly different

So, as a married single mom, for 5 months, with at least 14 to go, I didn't expect much on mother's day this year.  My darling, devoted, husband is busy and the email I received two days before Mother's Day asking if there's anything I want for the day, was more than I had hoped for.

I have been pleasantly surprised, though.  When I offered to reschedule a canceled play-date for Dwight for Sunday, he said, "that's mother's day, mom, how about Monday?"  I knew that Dwight and Bob have been working on gifts in art class at school, and they eagerly presented the results to me AFTER letting me sleep in.  Dwight has repeatedly asked what I want to do for mother's day.

Harold has joined the crowd and enthusiastically wished me a happy day again and again.

Even Zack has asked what he can do for me.  This, after watching his brothers present me with their hand made gifts and saying, "Your gift is ME."  He has a point.  After all, he's my first.  He made me a mom 12 1/2 years ago.

So, while I still had to make breakfast, empty the dishwasher, do 4 loads of laundry, etc., it is shaping up as an enjoyable, happy mother's day.

Sleeping in- you CAN do it

I'm tired.

It's basically a permanent state of being for me and probably for many of you, if you have young children. Probably if you have older children as well, but for different reasons. I'm not looking forward to losing sleep over worrying late at night about my boys' whereabouts. For now, though, my sleep deprivation is due to my young early risers.

I remember having a conversation about kids' sleep with some mom friends a few years ago. At the time, I was expecting my fourth child and someone asked me which of my boys was my good sleeper. My reply was, "I'm hoping this one will be. So far, I don't have one."

I was not exaggerating. The boys take after their father who is an early riser- he leaves for work at 4:30 a.m. without complaint. I am most definitely not an early riser and I like my sleep; I really like it. So, from the time the boys could identify numbers, I began to teach them the rules of the house.

I know some families who have a rule that their kids can't get out of bed before 7:00, but that is unrealistic in my house, so I chose 6:00. As soon as children can recognize a number, you can teach them that until they see that number on the clock, they cannot get out of bed, or at least cannot get out of their room.

I found it helpful to cover the minutes of the digital clock so that there could be no confusion as to which number to identify. A simple post-it note is enough to cover the numbers. Once the children are older, you can tell them that it's the fist number that must be a 6 or 7. My older boys still remember saying that they could not get out of bed before six-oh-oh.

You can instruct the children to play quietly in their rooms if they wake up before the specified time. Once the time has passed, you can set up a safe environment that allows the kids to be up and fed and you to lie peacefully in your bed- REALLY.

Children as young as 2 can be set up with an age appropriate dvd, a pile of books and quiet toys and a sippy cup of milk. This can buy you 30 minutes to an hour. Sure, you will have to get out of bed to set it up, if you don't have older children to help you, but you can easily go right back to your cozy bed.  Be sure the home is child safe first, of course.  (Lock up any cleaning chemicals, put away small, choking hazard toys, close the basement door, etc.)

For slightly older children, you can set up their cereal, or other breakfast, on the table, set the tv to the correct channel and they can turn on the tv and eat quietly.

The earlier you teach your children to do these things independently, the stronger their confidence and feeling of independence will be. This is a great trait for kids. It will help them in all areas of their lives, when they are young and as they grow. So, you are not only helping yourself to more sleep, you are helping your children into confident, productive citizens of the world!  It's win-win.

Sure, a three year old will beg you to stay in the room with him, but that's what three year olds do. If you tell him that he has the choice to stay up and play and watch the dvd and drink milk or he can may go back to bed, I can tell you from experience that he will choose playing quietly 95% of the time and you will be able to get some extra sleep.

If you start to question the course of action and wonder if you are copping out, reassure yourself. You are getting your much needed rest and that will make you a better parent for the rest of the day. I know it works for me.

If I'm tired, I can be cranky, and if Mama's not happy, nobody's happy!

Times Have Changed

Yes, times have changed, but parenting hasn't.  Or, at least, it shouldn't have. 

Our kids are exposed to more violent and sexual images on tv and in video games, but we can still teach them that mimicking the behaviors they see is inappropriate and unacceptable.

The rule in our house is if I see any negative behavior that is remotely related to a tv program or video game, the program or game is immediately off limits in the house.

As I've said before, my boys get a lot of screen time.  As long as their behavior and actions are positive, they get to keep the privilege of screen time.  By modeling and positively acknowledging good behavior and actions, we usually don't have problems. 

I am frustrated when I see kids acting out and parents excusing the violent, inappropriate actions by blaming television and video games.  There's no reason for this.  As parents, we have to raise good citizens.  Kids are not going to learn empathy and manners from tv, we must teach them. 

Some people say that preschoolers are too young to learn manners.  That enforcing pleases and thank yous on them is artificial.  I say that is a cop out.  We show them how to appreciate things and teach them to show the appreciation.  We teach our children respect for others, empathy, and good manners, no one else will.  It is the same as when our grandparents were young.  They did not have the same electronic influences, they had the hooligans, but I am pretty sure that if they began to exhibit the behaviors they learned from "the bad element" their parents would teach them right from wrong, and so should we.

Dear Mr. President

Dear Mr. President and Mrs. Obama,

I am writing to you to appeal to you to light the White House Blue for World Autism Awareness Day, April 1st and 2nd.  There are several reasons I think this is a great idea.

I am a military wife and a mom to four great boys.  My eldest son, Zack, has high functioning Autism.  Did you know that while 1 in 110 children has autism, 1 in 88 military kids has it?  I just learned this statistic myself.  As a great advocate for Military Families, Mrs. Obama, we'd appreciate your support in this.  April is also the month of the military child.

We are lucky to live in an area where we get good support through our local school, but know many, if not most, families like us are not so fortunate.

My husband deployed in December.  The boys and I are in Northern Virginia.  Zack has moved 8 times in his 12 years.  You may or may not know that transitions are one of the biggest challenges for Autistic kids.   I work very hard to keep our life stable for Zack and his three brothers.  We all work hard together and will be lighting our front lights blue for the whole month of April.

If 1 in 110 kids have been diagnosed, that means at least 9% of the voting public is affected by autism in some way.  What a great way to show your support than to light the white house blue for two days!  We, the families, would really appreciate the effort.


It was fun to see that you made the White House fountain green for St. Patrick's day, so please do this for us.

We, the autism family community, are counting on you!

Many thanks,
Erin

I was right

I took Dwight to the doctor and as I suspected, both ears are severely blocked by fluid.  The doctor put him on antibiotics, zyrtec (continued), singulair and gave him nasonex to use if it did not start to get better.

He is still not hearing well at all, so we will start the nasonex today.  I had his teacher move his seat so that he can be near to where she stands.  He told me that when they had their initial spell check at the start of the week, one of the spelling words was "eagle" and he thought she said "evil."  Who knows how much information he has missed.

I hope it gets better soon.

What to do...

My 10 year old can't hear.  At least I think he can't.  A few weeks ago he told me his ears were stuffy.  They didn't hurt, except maybe a little now and then, but for the most part, it was just annoying him.  I gave him zyrtec and sudafed and after a few days, it got better.

Lately, though, he is not hearing well.  He noticed it and told me about it, but he says it's fine now.  I can't ignore the fact, though, that when I talk to him he does not hear me the first time.  Could it be selective hearing?  Maybe, but I don't think so.  He isn't that sort of kid.  He doesn't space out or tune me out.

He says he's fine.  He does not want to go to the doctor.  This is a kid who had four sets of tympanostomy tubes and had his adenoids removed.  He is afraid of having to have more surgery.  I've told him that is highly unlikely, given his age, but he still doesn't want to go to the doctor.  He insists he is fine.  I am pretty sure he is not fine, though.

He's a worrier, that's for sure.  So, I haven't told him yet, but he will be going to the doctor on Monday afternoon.  I've been giving him Zyrtec and Sudafed for a week and he still doesn't hear me or mis-hears me.  For instance, the 3 older boys are watching a movie right now and I said, from about 10 feet away, "Is this a good movie, guys?"  And Dwight answered, "I'm fine, Mom."  Hmmm.

We'll see what the doctor says.  I think he got so used to ear pain from having so many infections, he doesn't even realize when he has one now.

Private Parts- keeping the lines of communication open

Sometimes my husband's absence is more glaring than others.  Last night was one of those nights.  I walked into my bedroom, having settled the three year old in his bed.  I found the three older boys sitting on my bed, talking about Pokemon.

I walked over to the bed and the conversation took a turn...  to the uncomfortable side...

6 1/2 year old- "Mom why do private parts sometimes stick out...  like mine is now?"

12 1/2 year old- "Oh, that's called an erection."

10 year old- "Isn't it an irection?"

12 1/2 year old- "No, it's erection, or sometimes people call it a boner."

6 1/2 year old- "a boner?"

10 year old- "Yep."

12 1/2 year old- "Cause it's like there's a bone in it."

10 year old- "What if it snaps?"

39 year old mom- "You have to make sure that doesn't happen."

10 year old- "But what if it does?"

39 year old mom- "Sweetheart, you just have to make sure it doesn't because that is a very serious injury...  OK, everyone into bed now.  It's reading time."

6 1/2 year old- "Mom, when will it go away, it's very uncomfortable."

39 year old mom- "Soon, sweet pea, soon.  Let's brush your teeth and you'll probably forget all about it."

And thank heaven for small favors, he did.

It's times like these that the temporary long-term absence of my husband is more obvious.  Of course, when I sent him an email to tell him to get himself home so HE could deal with this conversation, rather than I, he said, "that's ok, you go ahead."

I've been the facts of life teacher in the family ever since the first question surfaced 3+ years ago.  I don't shy away from it because I'd rather they get the information from me than from classmates.  After last night's conversation, though, I am reminded that they get information from their peers no matter what.  It just makes it more clear that my input is very important and I have to ensure they get the facts at home before they get them at school.

I bought a book back when the questions first came up.  It is called, It's So Amazing.  It is a great resource for kids to get questions answered about everything from the basics of reproduction to HIV, sexual abuses and more.  I highly recommend it.  The creators of It's So Amazing also wrote the book It's Perfectly Normal for pre-adolescent kids.  That will be my next purchase. 

It would be easy to cower from these topics while my husband is deployed, but the truth is, the more open I am and the more information they get from me, the more comfortable they will be talking about these important issues with me.

Clearly, when they are throwing the B word around with me in the room, it is a sign they feel at ease talking with me.  It's important now, but it's even more important when they are teenagers.  I'm happy the lines of communication are open.

It's not always easy to talk about the birds and the bees with our kids, but parenting isn't easy, you just have to buck up and do it!

Parenting is Hard

Parenting is hard. If it seems easy to you, no offense, but there’s a good chance you aren’t doing it right.

We are not supposed to be our kids’ friends. We are their parents. Sometimes, more often than not, that means telling them things they don’t want to hear. Good parents lay down the law at home. Kids need rules and structure.

No one can prepare us for the difficulty of the job, or for the rewards of it.
One of the best ways to restore order and happiness in your home is to have a list of house rules. Write the list on a white board or poster board. Having the rules spelled out in black and white will make it easier to stick to them, both for you, the parent and for your child.

My boys are enthusiastic about our new family success game. My sister sent us Dr. Susan Lipkins’ Be a Star! Be A Star and we have implemented the system. The chart allows the parent to give points for good behavior or take away points for negative behavior. You can move the star up to give points or down to deduct points. At the top is a “happy” star and the child gets a reward when he reaches the top. At the bottom is a “sad” star and the child gets a punishment if he reaches the sad star.

I think the “Be A Star” concept is a good place to start for a family in need of some structure. The Be a Star method, coupled with concrete rules, will help you restore order to your home.

In regard to the rules, engage the children in writing them down. When kids have input in the drafting of the rules, they have ownership in them and will be more apt to follow them.

Written rules can really help parents who are wishy washy, and by that, I mean weak. You know who you are… You tell your child to stop (fill in the blank- making a mess, messing around, whatever) but they don’t stop. You say it again and again and then finally give up. It’s too much work to get him to stop, so you leave the room or throw up your arms in defeat. Not only does this not change the immediate behavior, it reinforces the idea that you are not the boss in the house and that the child can do what he wants. With a rules chart, you can point to the list, tell the child to stop, and if he does not stop, state the consequence- end of story. After a few of these episodes, it is highly likely that your child will start to follow the rules, without being told.

In my opinion, the most important concrete rule that belongs near the top of the list is “no violence.” In our home, we have a no tolerance policy for violence. If any of the boys hits, kicks, bites (toddlers bite, let’s face it), pushes- you get the picture; there are immediate consequences. The boys know this and they rarely use aggression with each other. They don’t like the penalties, but they do know they are inevitable and when I intervene and dole out the punishment, they accept it without argument. Consequences vary, from time-outs to loss of privileges, depending on the severity of the violence and the age of the child.
If you use the Be a Star chart, you would move the star straight to the bottom.

What ideas do you have for rules? Rewards? Punishments?
Leave a comment here and let me know.

Aspie quote of the day

12 year old Aspie to 3 year old younger brother:

"Hey buddy, want to see me defy friction?"

Then he slides across the floor in his socks.

Is TV Bad for your baby's brain

According to a just released study, exposing your baby to just 60 minutes of TV per day can cause cognitive delays.   This latest study adds more fuel to a recommendation from the American Academy of Pediatrics that babies under age 2 watch no TV at all.

In my opinion, based on my experience, though, as a parent of four, this is not the whole story. Yes, if you put your baby in front of the TV for much of the day, or even just a short time, and then don't spend any time engaging him in interactive play or talking to him, you are likely to see significant delays.  

However, if you let your baby watch a little TV when you need a few minutes to shower, tidy up, or just have a cup of coffee, but you spend the majority of the day playing with him and talking to him and reading books to him, I think it is unlikely that you will see any problems.

As I've said before, I'm not a doctor, so my opinion has little merit, but I have a lot of experience with this topic, so I do feel I can speak to it with some authority.  As a Navy wife and mom of four sons, including one with high functioning autism, I have used TV as a babysitter more than I'd care to admit.  But, I do engage my kids- constantly.  Like I said, I'm a Navy wife, my husband is away a lot, I've got to talk to someone!   I am kidding, of course, but the point is, that while I permit my children to watch television regularly, I really do spend a lot of time in positive interactions with them.

Though they all have watched quite a bit of TV, they've all read before their fifth birthdays.  One read at age 3 and one at age 4.  They have excellent math skills and have been able to make simple computations from very early ages.  Yes, my eldest son, who has autism, had speech delays, but cognitively, he has tested as gifted from the age of three.

The point of this post is not to say how great my kids are (though they are, of course) but to put your minds at ease.  In my opinion it is OK for little ones to have TV exposure, but you must couple the TV watching with positive interactions with your child.

Run a constant dialog with him.  If you are making dinner, tell him, "I'm taking the pasta off the shelf and now I'm going to put into this water.  The water is very hot, so we have to be careful."  etc...  For older kids, have them do their homework in kitchen while you cook so that you can have some back and forth conversation throughout the process.

It isn't hard to enrich your child's brain and you do not have to deny yourself a shower because your baby will cry.  In the "old days" we all lived close to our families.  We could depend on our parents or siblings or other extended family members to lend us a hand with our kids.  Now most of us live far from family and are basically on our own.  If we spend every waking moment personally entertaining our kids, they will never learn to be independent and find ways to entertain themselves.

I should make a point of saying that you should only let your kids watch age appropriate shows.  You can most definitely cause harm by letting them watch programs that are too mature for their psyches.  But letting your one year old watch  Ni Hao Kai Lan or your preschooler watch Super Why is not going to hurt.

Beware of visually stimulating shows with your younger kids.  Shows that have rapidly changing images and loud noises, including loud music, have been shown to lead to attention issues later.

So, when you need to get something accomplished, don't feel too bad about letting baby watch a little TV.  Put him in a safe place with the TV not too close.  Give him a toy to hold, so he is engaged in more than one way.  Then do what you need to do.  Give yourself a break. It's OK.

Two Ways

Also seen  at http://deploymentdiatribes.wordpress.com/

2 Ways

I have a lot of patience. I’m not bragging, it’s just a fact. I wasn’t always this way but, long ago, I decided that it was easier to have patience with our children than to get upset again and again.

Lately, though, I find myself with less patience. I am sure it has a lot (everything) to do with the stress in our house right now. Horatio is leaving in 5 days.

Every time one of the children challenges me, lately, I find myself wanting to just put a stop to the whining or complaining or misbehaving. I don’t have the patience to wait it out.

I’ve been a bit more stern and am putting a stop to the negative behaviors quickly, but a thought occurred to me. Being tough is tiring.

The past week, and the 5 days to come, have been and will be, very stressful. It is draining to deal with everything that is going on. I realized that it would be much easier to let the kids just have what they want and get on with it.

I have up to two years of these days ahead of me. Which kids will I have at the end of the deployment? Spoiled brats who get everything they want? Or timid, well behaved kids who cower when I walk into the room?

Hopefully neither. I will make a conscious effort to be a good single mother. Keep them in line but with a soft touch.

One thing I am pretty sure of is that I'll end up with at least one of the boys sharing my bed much of the time.  The littlest one sleeps much longer when he is in bed with me.  More sleep is something I find hard to pass up.

Time will tell.

Line Up

When people learn that I have four boys, they usually give me a look that says something along the lines of, 'I feel sorry for you,' or 'oh boy, I wouldn't want to be in your house, I bet it's noisy all the time.'  (Don't even get me started on the comments like, "oh, never got the girl, huh?"  I can write about that one later.

I get it, I've been in plenty of situations with all boys and the chaos can be intolerable.  However, my boys are usually calm, relatively quiet and sweet.  Of course we have moments (or days) when I look at them or listen to them and think that this is what people think my house is like every day and thank G-d it isn't!

They are still boys, though, and like all children, they like to play and run around, so sometimes I have to resort to extreme measures to get them to focus on what I want to tell them.  When I am trying to get them to listen to something and can tell that it is highly likely that they are not focused on what I am saying, I'll say, in a serious voice, "line up." 

All four boys will line up in front of me, arms at their sides.  When all eight eyes are on my face, I proceed to to convey my message.  Peace is restored.  Everyone is happy... REALLY!

Lately, though, these instances are more frequent than ever.  Perhaps it is because they are getting older and have their own agendas.

Whatever the reason, I realize it is time to bring them back into line.  I'm not sure how we got to this point, but the straw that broke the camel's back came a few nights ago.

The three older boys share a room and sleep in bunk beds.  When I went into their room to kiss them good night, I was bombarded with requests for me to switch their beds.  First, Dwight and Bob said they wanted to switch beds, (Bob to the top, Dwight to the bottom.)  Then Zack said he wanted to sleep in the other top bunk, across from his, where Dwight is now.

They've asked this before.  I used to let them switch frequently, when we lived in China.  But here, their beds have shelves and the boys have stashed books, legos, piggy banks, and much, much, more, in the shelves.  So, the job is significantly more involved. 

I've told them that if they want to switch beds, they have to move all of their stuff.  I'll change the sheets, but they are responsible for the transfer of their "stuff".  They said they'll do this but wanted me to change the sheets in the morning.  They are impatient to get started with the new arrangement. 

When I explained to them that I was not going to do it the next day but that I'd do it when I could fit it into my schedule, they began to whine and complain and ask when I last changed the sheets, when I would do it again and why couldn't it be sooner.

It had been a particularly long day and I had had enough.  So, I said I would do it when they moved all their stuff and showed me they were willing to work for it like I work for them.  They agreed.

Here we are, though, several days later, and everything is still in place.  Not a word about the move since the night of the incident.

Sure, I'll let them trade beds.  I'm happy to do it.  But kids need to know that a family is a team and everyone has to do their share of the work (sort of).

It has been better since that night.  They are back in line but still having fun, enjoying being kids.  It's a fine line, making sure our kids do their share, but also making sure to let them have fun and be kids.

I'm walking the tightrope, for sure.

Crazy busy nights

Tuesdays are always busy.  The boys come home from school at about 3:40.  Bob (6 1/2) has volleyball club at the school from 6-6:40 and Dwight (9 1/2) has volleyball club from 6:45 until 7:30.  The kids usually get in bed at about 7:30, so it gets a bit complicated.

The first few weeks of this schedule had us juggling homework, dinners, bedtimes and more.  It was not fun.  This week, I threw in a focus group that I have to attend from 8:00-10:00, so I decided it was time to get serious about making Tuesday nights run more smoothly.

I started making dinner at 4:30.  I cooked a pot of pasta and put olive oil and garlic on it for the boys and pesto for Horatio and me.  I sauteed some fish for a scampi of sorts and baked some garlic bread.  I put out some carrots and there's dinner- done.  We sat down to eat at about 5:15 and were finished by 5:45, Tom took Dwight and Bob to the school while I am home with Zack, helping with homework, and Harold, playing with boats.

Horatio will bring Bob home when Dwight starts volleyball and then go back to watch Dwight.  I will get Harold ready for bed but Horatio will put him to bed while I am at the meeting.

I'm going to go clean up from dinner and think about how all this will go down next month when I'm on my own in all of this...

Deployment Diatribes Installment #1

After today, you can find the Deployment Diatribes at: www.DeploymentDiatribes.wordpress.com

Horatio is leaving home for an unknown period of time, at least 18 months.  We've told the boys this would happen.  They've known ever since we departed Beijing 15 months ago. 

Now, though, we have a departure date and reality has begun to set in.  My way of handling this with the boys is to make sure they are kept "in the know" but also that we don't dwell on it.  We tell them things as we learn them but then drop the subject unless they have questions.

About two weeks ago we learned that Horatio would be departing soon, so we shared this information in a matter of fact way.  I dropped it into our afternoon banter after the boys returned from school.

"Do you want a snack?"

"How about popcorn?"

"OK.  Oh, by the way, today we found out that Daddy will be leaving on deployment on (x date).  I just wanted to let you know."

"Oh.  OK.  Why does he have to go?  I don't want him to go."

"Well, it is a part of his job.  He does not want to leave us, but the Navy has asked him to do this very important job, so he has to.  But as soon as he can, he's going to come home."

"OK."

And, life went on...  Snack, Homework, Dinner, Bike riding, Basketball, Bedtime.

All was quiet on the subject for a week or so and then Horatio brought up an idea to the boys.  We were going through the bedtime routine, the three older boys were tucked into their bunk beds.  I was reading Harry Potter to the 6 year old and the Horatio walked in to say good night.

He told the boys he had come up with an idea of a way to make the deployment a more exciting time for the boys.  He said he would let each of them choose a new Lego figure (HUGE Lego fans in our house.)  He will take the four Lego figures with him and every time he goes somewhere new and exciting, he will take a picture of the Lego guys on location.  Then he will email the photos home and the boys can share the experience with him.

Great idea!

BAD TIMING.

The next morning, the 9 year old was crying when he woke up and came downstairs.  He said, "Why does Dad have to leave?  I don't want him to go."

Not a great start to a day.  It took me a while to realize what had prompted the sadness.  I'd forgotten that the last thing he heard before he went to bed was a foretelling of his Dad's long absence.  I tend to block out the sadness and focus on the logistics of being a single parent.  It  might not be the healthiest way to deal with it but it works for me.  It may be cliche, but I have to be strong for the kids, and in reality, strong for Horatio, too.  It would not be good if everyone in the house dissolved into tears whenever the subject of Horatio's departure came up.

So, I arm myself with all the minute details.  I deal with the boys' tears, grumpiness and confusion as it comes and try to be a supportive wife in the weeks leading up to the departure.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no martyr.  I have my moments of feeling sorry for myself but I try to keep them to a minimum.  We have a good support network set up here and I know it helps Horatio to know he's leaving us in good hands.  We will both deal with the home-front fallout of the deployment as it comes and look forward to the happy reunion down the road.