Bullying hits the homefront

My middle schooler son’s proclamation, on a Friday afternoon, many months ago, caught me off guard but did not completely surprise me. 

Zack came home from school and told me that another eighth grade boy slammed his locker shut as soon as he opened it and then another boy tried to trip him as he got off the bus. It really did feel like my boy had been attacked by two armies.

RED FLAG, RED FLAG! 

I was immediately on high alert.

"They" say that marijuana and alcohol are gateway drugs, I say that locker slamming and tripping are gateway actions to bigger bullying.





We deal with a lot on the homefront: absence of a father on deployment overseas and a child with Asperger’s Syndrome for instance, but I have felt lucky to have dodged the bullying bullet thus far. 
I've read the articles and the blog posts, watched the tv stories and thought, "thank G-d, at least we don't have to deal with that." 

So, that Friday felt like D Day to me.  The bomb had hit our home and I was not going to crawl into a bunker (my bed) and ignore it.

I have a lot of practice taking strategic action because I am a military wife and am used to fighting my way through rough terrain.

Thankfully, we have great counselors and support at our local schools.  I immediately emailed the counselor and alerted her to what happened and asked what we should do.  She told me to come to school the next school day so we could talk in person. 

So, I met with her and the school Resource Security Officer.  They both assured me, leaving no doubt in my mind, that they take bullying very seriously and presented the three options of the next step for us to take:

•  1  Do nothing and see what happens (they discouraged this approach, of course.)

• 2  The counselor has a chat with the offenders, telling them that the teachers in the area observed the bullying (so that my boy does not come across as a tattle tale), stress the gravity of the actions and that if it ever happens again, even once, specific actions will be taken and consequences will be given.  Charges of assault and court action can result.

•  3  Immediately resort to the legal process by having the children meet with the school Resource Security Officer and other administrators and proceed from there.

I opted for number 2.  The counselor, officer and I agreed that we wanted to give the kids the chance to do the right thing.

So, we set plan in action.  After I left the school, the counselor pulled the locker bully out of class.  She told him what had been seen "by teachers near the lockers" and what the consequences would be if it happened again, even once.  She also talked with my son so that he would know that the adults at the school are on his side.  For an Asperger’s kid especially, this is probably one of the most important parts of the “story.”  My Aspie needs to know that the adults in the situation are on his side and will be there for him, knowing adults are approachable and receptive helps him feel safe in school.  

The counselor and my son teamed up to try to figure out the name of the "tripper" on the bus, and then she took the same steps with the bus bully.


The Next Day…

Zack returned home from school with shoulders slumped.  I asked him what happened and listened to him tell me that the locker kid held his locker shut while my boy tried to open it at the end of the day and that the bus boy had tried to trip him again.  To make matters worse, locker boy rides my boy’s bus and continually blocks his way from sitting at the back of the bus.

I called the school counselor who took the next step with the bullies.  I was not told what the step was but was assured the proper consequences were given.


Day 3

No bullying.


Fast forward, months later.

A few weeks ago, my son came home from school to tell me of a funny interaction with a child in his class.  He and the boy are working together and having fun doing it.  I asked my son to repeat the name of the boy he was talking about.  I asked him, isn’t that the boy who was bullying you?  His response was the best.  Better than I could have ever imagined: “Yes, Mom, but that was months ago.  We are over it and are friends now.”

What's For Dinner?

Meal time is a struggle in kitchens across the country, if not across the globe.  Mine is no exception.

I've been preparing meals for my children for 13 years and almost every evening, I dread the question, "what's for dinner?"  I don't like to have to make the decision of what to make, I don't like to cook, and I really don't like it when my kids reply to my response with, "eww," or "awwww," or "again?"  Doing it all on my own, night after night, during Hortio's long 21 month deployment is tiring.

I've instituted many policies, with regard to mealtime, over the years.  Some have been successful and some have failed.  The one I stick to, no matter what, is: "dinner is dinner.  Eat it or don't, but don't complain about it."

I have found there are a few key elements to successful mealtime with picky kids.

First and foremost, ban the complaints.  In my kitchen, if you complain about the meal, you get one chance to back down, after that, the offender will suffer consequences, such as loss of dessert, which follows dinner. (More on dessert, later.)

Require a "No Thank-You helping."  Kids should have to try what is served to them.  Trying new things is good for expanding their tastes and teaches them good manners for when they are not at home.  If they try everything at home, they are likely to make a good impression when served something new while out to eat.

Always include one acceptable item.  I make sure that each meal includes at least one item each of the kids will eat.  This way, I know they won't go to bed hungry.  If I am serving a new recipe, I might also offer rice on the table. All of the boys like rice, so even if they don't like black bean meatless loaf, after their no-thank-you helping, they can fill up on rice and satiate their appetites.

Dessert follows dinner.  Dessert is not tied to what or how much the child eats.  It is not a reward, it is just part of the meal.  It took me many years to get to this point.  We tried making the kids eat everything on their plates to get dessert.  We tried making them eat at least so many bites to get dessert.  You get the picture.  None of these tactics worked.  They only served to make it a mind game for everyone at the table.  It drove us all crazy.  So, now, as long as the kids eat a no-thank-you helping of each food served at dinner, without complaining about it, they get dessert.

Sticking to these guidelines helps make meal time enjoyable for my family and it can for yours, too.  With so many tasks to juggle, as a temporarily single mom, making the rules clear and constant makes my life easier and the kids' life more predictable in a time of uncertainty during their Dad's deployment.  It doesn't always go smoothly, but usually it does and we are all happier for it.

No Use Crying

It's all fun and games until something upsets the apple cart, so to speak.


Single parenting is not easy, nor is it complicated.  The hardest part, for me, besides having to do absolutely everything- every day, is the logistics of getting the boys to their various appointments and activities, all at the same time.  It's not rocket science, though, all it takes is for me to swallow my pride and ask for help.  Thanks to supportive friends, we work it out.

What throws me off my game is anything that goes wrong.  One little thing that adds extra work to my day can really knock me off track.

Today I really did feel like crying over spilt milk.  Here's what happened...
Dwight poured himself a glass of milk this morning.  He had a few sips and then put it in the fridge.  Yes, I've told him not to do this what feels like a thousand times.  I reminded him two days ago.  He is 11 years old, though, so my expectations only reach so high.  In his mind, thanks to our philosophy of minimizing waste, he was doing the right thing.


Tonight, during the tiresome, yet necessary task of making dinner for the boys, I knocked the glass of milk over- in the fridge.  Insert exasperated sigh here...

My initial instinct was to yell, growl, find someone else to clean it up.  Facts are facts, however annoying, it was my fault and no one else would, or should, clean it up.  So, slightly dramatically, I admit, I cleaned it up.  Bounty paper towels are a staple in our house for a reason.  Spills happen.  In the end of the day, it truly isn't worth crying or yelling over spilt milk.


It's just a bit of a mess.  No one was hurt.  The fridge was due for a little cleaning anyway.  I soaked up the milk, sprayed it down with a water/white vinegar solution and wiped it again.  A half roll of Bounty in the trash and the job was done.  I poured myself a drink, sat down and watched my boys calmly watching The Amazing Race. 

After 14+ months at this job of single parenting, I'm happy to say that that I am still not a yeller.  It's not always easy and is a big relief to know.  An incident like the refrigerator milk spill is a cliche reminder.  It really isn't worth crying/yelling over spilt milk.  Only a handful of things warrant a parent yelling.  It's a hard habit to break, but the kids REALLY appreciate it and actually listen better when parents don't yell.


We are 75% finished with this deployment.  I can almost see the end of the road where I know Horatio will be home and it won't be as much of a struggle to keep my patience in tact.   When Horatio is home, he often helps with the milk spills or pours the drink.  For that, I am thankful.

Writing Contest

Staying connected during deployment can be a challenge, so when MilitaryBases.com ran a writing contest called, "you're the expert," I knew this would be a great topic.

Turned out I was right because they chose my piece as the 1st prize winner!

Thank you MilitaryBases.com

http://militarybases.com/blog/staying-connected-during-deployment/

One thing I've always done, every since Horatio first started traveling for extended periods of time, 20 years ago, is redecorate to pass the time.

It all started when we lived in Scotland.  Newly married and isolated in a small town on the west coast of Scotland, I was bored and lonely and watched whatever American television I could find.  I watched Oprah every day.  She was my link back to the U.S.

She had decorating tips on the show even back then and I used to try to implement them.  I'd move pictures around, move furniture around, buy accents.  Horatio never knew what he might find when he returned from a trip to Brussels, Amsterdam, The Hebrides, etc.

As time has passed, my redecorating efforts have increased.  I've progressed to moving large furniture, with the help of Dwight, my muscle man 11 year old son.  I plant flowers and bushes and seed the grass.  Once, I painted a bathroom.

Horatio left on Friday after a great two week visit.  While he was here we talked about painting the off white/yellow family room.

I dropped Horatio at the airport at 9:30 and by 10:00 I was at Home Depot buying paint, rollers, brushes, tape and more.  (We'd already chosen the color we'd seen at our friends' house on Christmas Eve.)

I drove home, moved furniture away from the walls, climbed up on a ladder and started taping up the trim and ceiling.

The taping took 2 hours, requiring some precarious balancing for the peaks of the vaulted ceilings, and was tiring, but I probably would have started to paint at that point had I not had 4 children asking when we could have dinner.  They have a tendency to need to eat a few times per day.



The next morning I was painting by 8 am.  I banished the kids to the playroom/rec room in the basement and they were pretty good about giving me the time to paint. 

Once, Dwight came up to talk with me and put his hand on the wet wall.  He learned his lesson.  Surprisingly, Harold was pretty good about it.  He came up to talk to me several times, but kept his hands off the walls.

The painting took 3 1/2 hours.  (Thank you Behr for making paint and primer in one step a possibility!)

Later in the afternoon, I took the tape down and moved the furniture back, and that took another hour.
I love the results.  I rearranged the furniture while I was at it, of course, and love the new arrangement, too.

The thing of it is that when there is no spouse around for conversation, or, let's face it, needing meals, help, or other such attention, things get done a lot faster!  Of course, in most ways it would be easier to have a spouse around during big projects to take care of the rest of the chores around the house, but the projects keep me busy and I love to see the immediate results.

So, I'll probably keep changing things around and Horatio will worry about the changes while he's gone, but love it when he returns, as always.

That's the way things go...

10 Time-Saving Tips to Make Your Life As A Busy Mom Easier

Let's face it.  As I've said many times before, right here in this blog, parenting is hard.  One of my goals, as the Been There Done That Mom, is to help my fellow moms' lives easier.  Over the past 13 years of my parenting life, I've had game plans, adjusted them, re-adjusted them and polished them.  Now, in particular, I have to be organized.  I am temporarily a single mom because my husband is deployed for at least 18 months.  He's been gone for 6 months already, so I'm getting pretty good at staying organized.  (I hope my friends and family who read this don't laugh out loud.  I'm trying.)  It's an ongoing process, but in many areas, I've got it down...  For now, anyway.

So, here is a list of 10 ways you can make your life easier.

1.  Keep a Calendar and Actually Use it.
Sure, it seems obvious.  What family doesn't have a calendar hanging on a wall somewhere in the house?  The problem arises when appointments, meetings, field trips, strings concerts, etc., don't make it from the email messages and newsletters to the calendar.  I find that as soon as a new date pops up in my email or in a phone call, I have to walk immediately to the calendar and write it down or it floats out of my brain, never to be found again.  Even better than having just the paper calendar or white board, is one of the online calendars.  Google has one, Mac has one, there are several out there and if you put an appointment on a specific date, then anyone who has access to the calendar can see it.  This is very handy for busy families.

2.  Plan Meals
One of my least favorite things to do is plan what is for dinner.  It's definitely one of my weak areas.  Once I know what we are having, though, I can go into auto mode and cook the meal and put it out without incident.  So, I find that if we sit down and decide what we will have for dinner each night of the week, on Sunday, for instance, I don't have to think as much and the evening goes much more smoothly.  Sometimes I let one child or another plan the meals for a week.  Or, I give each child a day of the week to select the menu.  Giving the kids input helps them have some ownership of the plan and makes for less whining at dinner, and less need for wine at dinner for me!  A second point in this step to making your life easier is, when making your shopping list, you should try to write the list in the order the items appear in the aisles of your store.  I, personally, prefer to do my shopping at Target, if possible.  The prices are good, I can get my groceries AND my every day items, AND I can stop at Starbucks on my way out of the store.  It's the trifecta of shopping trips.

3.  Set Homework Time
If left to their own devices, I think most kids would wait until just before bedtime to do their homework.  This is not a good plan.  I also think that making kids do their homework as soon as they get home leaves a lot to be desired.  Kids need some down time, just like we do.  At our house, we set an alarm to go off at the same time each day.  When the alarm goes off, about 45 minutes after the boys get home from school, they know it is homework time.  No arguing.  45 minutes gives them time to wash up (very important after a day at school), get a snack, run around or watch TV or whatever helps them relax and refresh.  By the time the alarm goes off, they should be ready to get to work.

4.  Set Expectations
This idea is less concrete than the others on the list so far.  But, it is probably the most important for helping to make your home life easier.  If kids don't know what you expect of them, you can expect them to fail to live up to your expectations.  Be clear.  Explain what you expect of them when you say, "clean your room."  Or if you say, "clear the table," but you really want the dishes, napkins, serving dishes, condiments- EVERYTHING, off the table, then make it clear that that is what you expect.  Setting the expectations ahead of time will save you a lot of time either doing the task yourself or explaining what you meant in the heat of the moment.

5.  Let the Kids Sort the Laundry
In our house, with 4 boys, I realized early on that having separate hampers for the different laundry loads would save enough time to make it worthwhile.  I bought a sorter with three separate sections.  The boys, including 3 year old Harold, know to put darks on the right, lights in middle and whites on the left.  All I have to do on laundry day (pretty much every day is laundry day around here) is take the clothes from one section, drop it into a basket, carry it to the laundry room and wash.

6.  Keep Socks Separate
I have to give credit where credit is due.  My husband, Horatio, came up with this idea when he saw me struggling to sort through about 100 white socks.  Each son has a different brand of socks, which is a start in helping to make the pairing up process easier.  Horatio came up with an ingenious way to make it even more simple, though.  I bought 4 lingerie bags and labeled each with our boys' names.  When the boys go to put their laundry in the proper section, they also put their socks in their own bag.  Then, when the socks are clean and dry, I can quickly pair them up and put them away.  I've even gone further with the older two boys, ages 13 and 10 1/2.  I take the bags and dump the socks into their underwear drawers and let them do the pairing up each day.  Let's face it, a white sock is a white sock and since each kid has his own brand, they all match.

7.  10 Minute Tidy
I have to admit that I stole this idea from a children's show on PBS.  The clown character used to have a 10 minute tidy in each show.  I applied this idea to my kids.  If I tell the boys to "clean up the playroom," they get overwhelmed and annoyed and the whining begins almost immediately.  If I set a timer, turn off the tv, turn on music and proclaim that it is time for a 10 minute tidy, the whining is minimized and you'd be surprised how much can get put away in 10 minutes.  I should get back to the Set Expectations point, though.  Explain that tidying up means putting toys/video games/books/etc. in their proper places.  Sticking everything under the sofa or in a drawer is not really cleaning up.  Doing this will just make the job harder next time.

8.  Make Good Use of a Coat Rack
I'm pretty sure some readers might have read that line and said, "huh?"  So, I'll explain what I mean.  Last summer I was overwhelmed by our family's pool outings.  We have a membership to our neighborhood pool and the boys like to go every day.  But, when the boys started asking to go to the pool, all I could think of was the 4 wet suits, the 4 wet towels, the goggles, the swim shoes, the snacks, the MESS!  After a lot of thinking, I came up with the idea of a coat rack.  I went online and searched for a relatively sturdy one.  I wanted one I could use in the summer for swimming gear and in the winter for coats and hats.  Now, when we get home from the pool, the boys hang their suits and towels on the coat rack in the entry way.  Sure, it's not the most attractive thing to have near the front door, but people who come to our house know we actually live there.  It's not a show house, after all.  At least this keeps the stuff from sitting in a pile collecting mildew!  The rest of the gear goes into a cute pool bag that I ordered from Lands End, and the bag stays in my car.  Now, when it's time to go to the pool we just grab our stuff and go.  We know where it is, the suits and towels are dry and the goggles haven't gotten lost somewhere!

9.  Labels
No, I'm not talking about deciding which of your children is the smart one or the silly one or the trouble maker.  That would be wrong... right?  A few weeks ago, I was finally fed up with finding more drink ware than we have family members on the kitchen counter and table.  The boys would take a cup, drink from it, and then leave it on the counter or table.  Then when they were thirsty again, they'd forget which one was theirs and just take another one.  By the end of each day, there were at least 6 or 7 kids' cups in various positions around the kitchen.  So, I took out a sharpie and labeled cups with the boys' names on them.  Now, not only do they know which cup was theirs, if someone leaves one out at the end of the day, I know which kid to "remind" to put it away.  There's no room for error OR denial!

10.  Don't Put it Down, Put it Away
I'm as guilty as the next mom when it comes to clutter.  It makes me crazy, though.  I turned over a new leaf this year- at least I'm making an effort at doing so.  My new philosophy is, "don't put it down, put it away."  This way of thinking and doing helps everyone in the family.  I try to remember to put things away the first time, so I don't have to do it later.  It basically saves half the time.  If you are carrying something in your hand, take the extra minute to put it in its proper place and you won't have to move it later.  If I carry one of my 3 year old's toys in from the car and set it on a chair in the living room, on my way to the kitchen, I'll eventually have to go back and pick up the toy and put it somewhere it belongs, which will take at least a minute.  If I put it in its place the first time, it will probably take an extra 20 seconds than just setting it down on my way through the house.  Doing it the right way every time would really add up to a lot of time saved.

11.  Bonus! Hire a Professional Cleaner
Yes, it will cost some money, but it will save you SO much time it is probably worth it.  Let's face it, cleaning your house is time consuming and with our busy lives, we probably don't do a great job at a thorough cleaning.  I find that hiring someone great to clean my house not only saves time, but it keeps my house cleaner and neater.  Every two weeks, a fabulous woman comes to my house and cleans it from top to bottom.  I have to tidy up before she comes, so it keeps me motivated to keep the house less cluttered in the first place.  Of course I have to spot clean in between.  I have to clean the toilets practically every day- I do have 4 boys, after all.  But the house is spotless once every two weeks, even if it's just for a few hours before the kids track in the leaves or spill pretzels or drop their school papers in a trail from the door to the kitchen.  I cherish those few hours and you probably will too.

“I wrote this blog post while participating in the SocialMoms and Starbucks blogging program, for a gift card worth $30. For more information on how you can participate, click here.”

Mother's Day- slightly different

So, as a married single mom, for 5 months, with at least 14 to go, I didn't expect much on mother's day this year.  My darling, devoted, husband is busy and the email I received two days before Mother's Day asking if there's anything I want for the day, was more than I had hoped for.

I have been pleasantly surprised, though.  When I offered to reschedule a canceled play-date for Dwight for Sunday, he said, "that's mother's day, mom, how about Monday?"  I knew that Dwight and Bob have been working on gifts in art class at school, and they eagerly presented the results to me AFTER letting me sleep in.  Dwight has repeatedly asked what I want to do for mother's day.

Harold has joined the crowd and enthusiastically wished me a happy day again and again.

Even Zack has asked what he can do for me.  This, after watching his brothers present me with their hand made gifts and saying, "Your gift is ME."  He has a point.  After all, he's my first.  He made me a mom 12 1/2 years ago.

So, while I still had to make breakfast, empty the dishwasher, do 4 loads of laundry, etc., it is shaping up as an enjoyable, happy mother's day.