Détente in the Mommy Wars

I am very opinionated when it comes to parenting.  

I know this about myself.  I have a blog for it.  It's no big mystery.  My friends and family know me as the Been There Done That Mom for a reason.  I do, however, in my daily life, usually keep my mouth shut, unless my opinion is solicited.  Parenting styles differ, and one can never tell where another parent is coming from, so standard parenting guidance might not apply.  

I am quite happy to offer my assistance whenever I am asked, and while I do sometimes get paid for it, most often, the advice I give is free.

I take umbrage, though, when advice is given to me, unsolicited.  I am particularly put-off when said advice is regarding my youngest.  After all, I have Been There and Done That three times already.  Any mistakes I've made, I am probably going to make again with my fourth.  Fair is fair.

So, last week, in the parent waiting area at my youngest child's preschool, when a well-meaning grandmotherly-type inserted herself into a battle of wills I was having with my nearly 5 year old, Harold, I could barely contain my inner mommy warrior.  She ignited a fire in me and I was ready for battle.

It was Harold's beloved teacher's birthday and all of the kids were signing her card.  Harold is a feisty young lad and despite the fact that he signs his name in his classroom as he enters each day, he decided he didn't want to do it right then.  Like many children his age, Harold can be pretty grumpy when I pick him up from school.  Just two months into the school year, he has yet to adjust to the schedule of having school every morning and since he gets wound up and overtired, he doesn't get as much sleep as he needs.   I know that crabbiness is a natural byproduct of a busy schedule for a four year old.  I have learned to cope with it, though, and have set techniques I use to deal with his mood.



So, when the 60 something woman sitting at the table where Harold held the pen in his hand, refusing to put said pen to paper, inserted herself into the situation, I snapped.  She boldly told me to just let it go and write it for him.  She went on to say that she had raised her kids already and knew that it is just easier to write it for them and pretend they did it themselves.  I think it was her high and mighty tone, accompanied by an eye roll, and her insinuation that she had experience with preschoolers that I did not, was what set me off.

In hindsight, I know that I should have just smiled and kept my mouth shut but, wrong time-wrong place, I guess and I was not to be shut down this time.  I responded quickly, telling her this was my fourth preschooler and that I too had, on occasion, signed my children's names for them.  But, once I tell one of my kids to do something, I don't back down.  It's a basic rule of parenting.  'No means no' and 'do it means do it now'!  I resented her conceited air and was insulted by her rush to judgement and insertion of what I am sure she deemed as words of wisdom.

My words of wisdom when it comes to parenting advice: Keep it to yourself unless you are asked for it or a child is in danger.  Last week's unpleasant experience has driven that philosophy home for me.  If I ever offered unsolicited, unwanted, parenting advice, and I am sure I have, I apologize.  I meant no offense.  I will continue to do it in print, but will keep my thoughts to myself when I am away from my computer.  I do not want to contribute to the oft referenced 'mommy wars,' which are a waste of time and energy. Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines are fighting an actual war right now.  "Mommies" should exert their energy where it is needed, raising their kids to be good citizens of the world, rather than battling each other on the homefront.

In the end, I broke my rule of 'no means no' and 'do it means do it now' because the basic rule my own dear mother taught me, 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything,' guided my actions.  I figured it was better to get it done and get out, before I said something I might, or might not regret, but that's another story altogether.

What's For Dinner?

Meal time is a struggle in kitchens across the country, if not across the globe.  Mine is no exception.

I've been preparing meals for my children for 13 years and almost every evening, I dread the question, "what's for dinner?"  I don't like to have to make the decision of what to make, I don't like to cook, and I really don't like it when my kids reply to my response with, "eww," or "awwww," or "again?"  Doing it all on my own, night after night, during Hortio's long 21 month deployment is tiring.

I've instituted many policies, with regard to mealtime, over the years.  Some have been successful and some have failed.  The one I stick to, no matter what, is: "dinner is dinner.  Eat it or don't, but don't complain about it."

I have found there are a few key elements to successful mealtime with picky kids.

First and foremost, ban the complaints.  In my kitchen, if you complain about the meal, you get one chance to back down, after that, the offender will suffer consequences, such as loss of dessert, which follows dinner. (More on dessert, later.)

Require a "No Thank-You helping."  Kids should have to try what is served to them.  Trying new things is good for expanding their tastes and teaches them good manners for when they are not at home.  If they try everything at home, they are likely to make a good impression when served something new while out to eat.

Always include one acceptable item.  I make sure that each meal includes at least one item each of the kids will eat.  This way, I know they won't go to bed hungry.  If I am serving a new recipe, I might also offer rice on the table. All of the boys like rice, so even if they don't like black bean meatless loaf, after their no-thank-you helping, they can fill up on rice and satiate their appetites.

Dessert follows dinner.  Dessert is not tied to what or how much the child eats.  It is not a reward, it is just part of the meal.  It took me many years to get to this point.  We tried making the kids eat everything on their plates to get dessert.  We tried making them eat at least so many bites to get dessert.  You get the picture.  None of these tactics worked.  They only served to make it a mind game for everyone at the table.  It drove us all crazy.  So, now, as long as the kids eat a no-thank-you helping of each food served at dinner, without complaining about it, they get dessert.

Sticking to these guidelines helps make meal time enjoyable for my family and it can for yours, too.  With so many tasks to juggle, as a temporarily single mom, making the rules clear and constant makes my life easier and the kids' life more predictable in a time of uncertainty during their Dad's deployment.  It doesn't always go smoothly, but usually it does and we are all happier for it.

Homework, Homework

Parents often ask me when they should step in to help their kids succeed in school and when they should back off and let them fail.

After several years of combat duty on the homework battlefield, I have no trouble encouraging other parents to take the leadership role after some good basic training of the troops.  Give them a good foundation of habits and then back off.

Early in a child's education career, he or she needs our guidance to learn the school's and our expectations and how to meet them.  We need to actively show our children how to meet or beat the requirements set by their teachers.

Many schools even require teachers to present the students with rubrics by which the students will be measured in a given task.  When this is the case, a parent can easily go over the rubric with the child and reiterate that the items listed are exactly what is expected of the student.  Parents should explain, depending on the abilities of the child, that he or she should meet or beat the expectations of the teacher.

For a child above the primary grades, at this point, the parent should back off until the end of the task.  When the child thinks he or she is finished with the project, the parent can then look it over and make suggestions as to how to make improvements, if appropriate.

In my own home, I find that second grade is the key age to make a big difference in the path the child will take toward academic success.

My kids are in grades: Eight, Five, Two and preschool.  My Eighth grader and Fifth grader each tested the waters of what they could get away with as far as homework and projects are concerned in first or second grade.

My now eighth grader, Zack, would feign helplessness.  He would ask questions at every stage of his homework.  Finally, his second grade teacher, Mrs. Larson, whom I will never forget, said I needed to tell him to do the work on his own.  She said he was more than capable of doing the work and doing it well.  He was using me as a crutch and if I didn't put a stop to it then, it would probably never stop.  She gave me great advice.  She told me to make a homework space for him and get him settled and comfortable in it and to tell him not to come out until his work was complete.  (Bathroom breaks were permitted, of course.)

I followed her guidance and, wouldn't you know it, it worked!  It took me a while longer to learn my lesson, though, I remember, vividly, the relief map/diorama I "helped" him make during his unit on Native Tribes.

Now in grade eight, Zack does a pretty good job getting his work done.  He overcomes a lot to get there, too.  His Asperger's Syndrome throws a lot of obstacles at him but we work together as a team to keep him organized and despite road bumps here and there, he does a great job and my input is more limited than could have been the case.

We keep a separate calendar, in a prominent place in the kitchen, for special projects and long term assignments so they don't get put off until the last minute and we keep notes on the white board in the kitchen for weekly to do lists.

My now 11 year old presents slightly different challenges.  Dwight asks for help less frequently but if I'm in the room, he will test to see how many questions I'll answer for him.  I tried to banish him to a "homework cave" but that method failed with him.  He does best working in the kitchen where there is activity going on and does not like to work alone.  So, when I find he is asking questions I think he doesn't need me for, I conveniently find that the laundry needs to be transferred, or one of the other boys needs something.  Most of the time, by the time I return from completing my task, Dwight has figured out the problem and moved on with the next. 

Dwight is fully on his own when it comes to class projects, other than a little constructive input or guidance.  I do not touch his work.  It is HIS work and not mine and I make that very clear.  "I've told him that I already graduated, so I don't have to do school projects.  Now it is his turn.  So far, so good.

Young Bob is bright, like his brothers, and has no trouble with his homework, except when he misreads the directions.  Until recently, I'd only get an occasional question for clarification of instructions but he completed his work quickly and, for the most part, without errors. 

Now, though, he is bored with the work and somehow "forgets" he has homework.  I should be better about checking the online "blackboard" the teacher posts to, but I admit, that is something I've let slide.  I feel deeply that it should not be the responsibility of the parent to take an extra step to monitor the child's homework.  When Bob failed to turn in his weekly word study for the first time, he got a stern reprimand from me and while the teacher said he didn't need to do it over the weekend, mean mom (me) said he did have to do it.

He tried one more time to tell me he didn't have homework but I pressed and learned he did.  I gave him a final warning.  "Homework is to be completed on time and turned in to the teacher or privileges will be lost."  My job is to be firm but loving, not a pushover.  Parenting is hard, it's a job to be done.  We can, and should, snuggle our kids at bedtime.  Homework time is not the time for coddling.

The boys have full control over whether they suffer consequences at school at at home.  Do the work and everything is great.  Don't do the work and grades suffer and Mom takes away ipods and screen time.  It is a simple equation.

I know that my methods and stick-to-it-iveness get more fine-tuned as each of my boys goes through the early elementary years.  Hopefully, by the time Harold reaches 2nd grade, I'll be near perfect.  I should be, but probably won't be.  I'll be better, though, and he'll be better off because of it. 

As Zack enters high school, I am glad we set good habits at the start of his academic path.  It isn't an easy road but we march on and learn as we go.  Establishing these routines sets the boys up, as best we can, for success in school and wherever they land after graduation.

Happy Birthday Dr. Suess

I couldn't have said it better myself. 

Words to live by and words to teach our kids to live by:

No Use Crying

It's all fun and games until something upsets the apple cart, so to speak.


Single parenting is not easy, nor is it complicated.  The hardest part, for me, besides having to do absolutely everything- every day, is the logistics of getting the boys to their various appointments and activities, all at the same time.  It's not rocket science, though, all it takes is for me to swallow my pride and ask for help.  Thanks to supportive friends, we work it out.

What throws me off my game is anything that goes wrong.  One little thing that adds extra work to my day can really knock me off track.

Today I really did feel like crying over spilt milk.  Here's what happened...
Dwight poured himself a glass of milk this morning.  He had a few sips and then put it in the fridge.  Yes, I've told him not to do this what feels like a thousand times.  I reminded him two days ago.  He is 11 years old, though, so my expectations only reach so high.  In his mind, thanks to our philosophy of minimizing waste, he was doing the right thing.


Tonight, during the tiresome, yet necessary task of making dinner for the boys, I knocked the glass of milk over- in the fridge.  Insert exasperated sigh here...

My initial instinct was to yell, growl, find someone else to clean it up.  Facts are facts, however annoying, it was my fault and no one else would, or should, clean it up.  So, slightly dramatically, I admit, I cleaned it up.  Bounty paper towels are a staple in our house for a reason.  Spills happen.  In the end of the day, it truly isn't worth crying or yelling over spilt milk.


It's just a bit of a mess.  No one was hurt.  The fridge was due for a little cleaning anyway.  I soaked up the milk, sprayed it down with a water/white vinegar solution and wiped it again.  A half roll of Bounty in the trash and the job was done.  I poured myself a drink, sat down and watched my boys calmly watching The Amazing Race. 

After 14+ months at this job of single parenting, I'm happy to say that that I am still not a yeller.  It's not always easy and is a big relief to know.  An incident like the refrigerator milk spill is a cliche reminder.  It really isn't worth crying/yelling over spilt milk.  Only a handful of things warrant a parent yelling.  It's a hard habit to break, but the kids REALLY appreciate it and actually listen better when parents don't yell.


We are 75% finished with this deployment.  I can almost see the end of the road where I know Horatio will be home and it won't be as much of a struggle to keep my patience in tact.   When Horatio is home, he often helps with the milk spills or pours the drink.  For that, I am thankful.

Writing Contest

Staying connected during deployment can be a challenge, so when MilitaryBases.com ran a writing contest called, "you're the expert," I knew this would be a great topic.

Turned out I was right because they chose my piece as the 1st prize winner!

Thank you MilitaryBases.com

http://militarybases.com/blog/staying-connected-during-deployment/

Another Day in Autism Land

The laws in Autism Land are different from the laws in Neurotypical Land and anyone with a kid who earned the family the right to live in A.L. can tell you this is true.  Sometimes the A.L. laws contradict the N.T. laws but in the end of the day, no matter how the N.T. world feels about it, the A.L. laws take precedent.

Sometimes you just have to cancel a dentist appointment. 

Is it considered illness, a legitimate reason for cancellation, when the reason, summed up, is Autism?

I've had dentist appointments for all four boys on the calendar for 6 months.  The office assistant called on Tuesday to confirm said appointments.  All was well, so I said we'd see her there, 9:00 Thursday morning.

Well, then Autism roared it's kooky head.

Zack has a week full of long term assignments (some past due), meetings for high school preparation, and tests.  He entered the house last night in a fog of frustration.  On top of it all, the school bus keeps getting more crowded and he never gets a seat to himself.  This probably sounds silly to anyone not affected by the sensory storm of Autism, but in our world, sitting smooshed against someone, other than family or a close friend, on a small bus seat, would be like having your seat-mate lick your cheek.  Really.  It's hard to understand, but kids with sensory integration disorder can feel "creepy crawly," crowded and confused, when strangers get too close.  At the end of a chaotic middle school day, Zack just wants his space and there's nothing I can do about it except understand how it ends his day with a boot kick to the brain. 

So, as we meandered carefully through the maze of homework, dinner and de-stressing, I mentioned that he could sleep in the next morning because he and his brothers had a dentist appointment.  You'd have thought I told him he had four more science projects and he'd have to sit with not one, but two, kids on the bus. 

It was an utter meltdown. 

Sometimes you just have to cancel a dentist appointment. 

It's a judgement call.  I hope the dentist office assistant understands, but it's the right call.  Taking Zack to the dentist today would have been bad for everyone.  Taking an already wound up sensory confused, frustrated kid with autism, to a place where they strap a paper bib to his chest, touch his face and stick their fingers in his mouth, would not have ended well for anyone. 

I'm the mom.  I have to try to make my boy's world as inviting as possible.  I try to help him avoid hostile environments of all kinds and to him, today, the dentist office would have been a battlefield, so I sent him off to school. 

Who'd have ever thought that middle school would be the lesser of two evils???

Controlling the Clutter

When I had only one child, keeping the playroom tidy was no problem.  Fast forward to today and, often, I can't walk a straight line through our playroom, or man cave, as my sons prefer to call it.  I have to meander through the strewn toys, books, remotes, dvds, legos (ouch)...  well, you get the picture.  That is, until I decide I've enough and take control of the clutter.

Here's how I do it, and you can too...

1-  As I have mentioned on this blog before, every few days I call for a 10 minute tidy.

What is a 10 minute tidy?  It's how I get my boys to keep the playroom from getting overrun by the mass of clutter.  10 minutes is a manageable amount of time for the boys to clean up without getting overwhelmed.  By doing this every couple of days, it truly does control the mess.

2-  Location Location Location.  Every category of toys has it's place in the playroom.  Wii games belong in the cabinet, neatly stacked.  Legos belong in large bins and we have smaller plastic drawers for the special Lego items.  Books belong on the shelves, obviously.  Larger toys and games have places in the closets and in large buckets (purchased at Walmart) that line the walls.

3-  Assign responsibility.  Each of my four sons has his own area of responsibility.  Just like the Navy has numbered fleets that control different theaters of operation, each kid in our family takes control over a region of the playroom.  This is very effective because it often prevents mess in the first place.  If Dwight sees Zack leaving remotes and Wii games on the floor of his domicile, he will immediately complain and make Zack put them away so that it is not left for him to take care of in the 10 minute tidy.



These three steps can go a long way toward keeping your clutter under control.  They have saved my sanity, the boys know what I expect from them and how to make it happen.

The Forever Moments

I just received a beautiful piece of art from The Forever Moments.  The photo was taken when Horatio visited us last month.

My days are filled from 0' dark thirty until way past sundown.

I often forget to capture the fun moments on the camera, but even when I remember to snap a photo, the pictures rarely leave the hard drive on my computer.  I know I'm not the only one who has this problem.

Of course I wish I had time to make scrapbooks, I've even been to some of those scrapbook parties where an organized mom teaches us barely put together moms how to put together detailed scrapbooks with our kids' pictures, making the rest of us feel wholly inadequate.

Sometimes I find time to stick a favorite picture of my adorable (yes, I am biased, of course) kids into a frame, but that's about the most ambitious I get.  I barely have time to shower some days, so creating works of art is WAY down on the To Do list.

So I am very happy to have found this great site where someone will do it for me!

You can send your favorite images to The Forever Moments and they will do all the work!  They have dozens of templates to choose from and you can personalize them all.  They personalized the dog tags on my template.  (I've edited the boys' names for privacy, the writing actually looks just like the "Daddy" on the other dog tag.)  They will use whatever names you request, no matter how silly, and will even change colors for you.

Each template is cut out by hand, not printed out like you see on other sites.

You can order the templates with or without the frame.

Prices range from $9.95 to $19.99 depending on the intricacy of the design, and they donate $1 of each military themed template order to Blue Star Families, which I love!

I received my art over the weekend and the boys and I immediately found prominent wall space on which to hang it.  Then, the next time we skyped with Horatio, we took the camera over to the wall so he could see it.

It brought tears to his eyes.

The best part, readers, is that we have one to give away and you can enter several times.
The giveaway will run through November 3rd.

For your 1st Entry: Head over to The Forever Moments website and then come back here and leave a comment telling me which layout is your favorite.

For your 2nd Entry: Head over to facebook and "Like" their page.  Leave a comment there saying BeenThereDoneThatMom sent you and come back here to tell me you did so.

For your 3rd Entry: Become a Follower of this blog and comment here to tell me you've done so.
 
For your 4th Entry: "Like" Been There Done That Mom on facebook and leave a comment here telling me you did so.

For a 5th and Final Entry: Follow @BTDTmom on twitter and leave a comment here telling me you have done so.

I will choose a winner on November 3rd and the winner will be contacted by the great women at The Forever Moments within 2 business days to choose a layout and get the ball rolling!
I received my template as a gift from The Forever Moments but the opinions I've expressed are solely mine.

10 Time-Saving Tips to Make Your Life As A Busy Mom Easier

Let's face it.  As I've said many times before, right here in this blog, parenting is hard.  One of my goals, as the Been There Done That Mom, is to help my fellow moms' lives easier.  Over the past 13 years of my parenting life, I've had game plans, adjusted them, re-adjusted them and polished them.  Now, in particular, I have to be organized.  I am temporarily a single mom because my husband is deployed for at least 18 months.  He's been gone for 6 months already, so I'm getting pretty good at staying organized.  (I hope my friends and family who read this don't laugh out loud.  I'm trying.)  It's an ongoing process, but in many areas, I've got it down...  For now, anyway.

So, here is a list of 10 ways you can make your life easier.

1.  Keep a Calendar and Actually Use it.
Sure, it seems obvious.  What family doesn't have a calendar hanging on a wall somewhere in the house?  The problem arises when appointments, meetings, field trips, strings concerts, etc., don't make it from the email messages and newsletters to the calendar.  I find that as soon as a new date pops up in my email or in a phone call, I have to walk immediately to the calendar and write it down or it floats out of my brain, never to be found again.  Even better than having just the paper calendar or white board, is one of the online calendars.  Google has one, Mac has one, there are several out there and if you put an appointment on a specific date, then anyone who has access to the calendar can see it.  This is very handy for busy families.

2.  Plan Meals
One of my least favorite things to do is plan what is for dinner.  It's definitely one of my weak areas.  Once I know what we are having, though, I can go into auto mode and cook the meal and put it out without incident.  So, I find that if we sit down and decide what we will have for dinner each night of the week, on Sunday, for instance, I don't have to think as much and the evening goes much more smoothly.  Sometimes I let one child or another plan the meals for a week.  Or, I give each child a day of the week to select the menu.  Giving the kids input helps them have some ownership of the plan and makes for less whining at dinner, and less need for wine at dinner for me!  A second point in this step to making your life easier is, when making your shopping list, you should try to write the list in the order the items appear in the aisles of your store.  I, personally, prefer to do my shopping at Target, if possible.  The prices are good, I can get my groceries AND my every day items, AND I can stop at Starbucks on my way out of the store.  It's the trifecta of shopping trips.

3.  Set Homework Time
If left to their own devices, I think most kids would wait until just before bedtime to do their homework.  This is not a good plan.  I also think that making kids do their homework as soon as they get home leaves a lot to be desired.  Kids need some down time, just like we do.  At our house, we set an alarm to go off at the same time each day.  When the alarm goes off, about 45 minutes after the boys get home from school, they know it is homework time.  No arguing.  45 minutes gives them time to wash up (very important after a day at school), get a snack, run around or watch TV or whatever helps them relax and refresh.  By the time the alarm goes off, they should be ready to get to work.

4.  Set Expectations
This idea is less concrete than the others on the list so far.  But, it is probably the most important for helping to make your home life easier.  If kids don't know what you expect of them, you can expect them to fail to live up to your expectations.  Be clear.  Explain what you expect of them when you say, "clean your room."  Or if you say, "clear the table," but you really want the dishes, napkins, serving dishes, condiments- EVERYTHING, off the table, then make it clear that that is what you expect.  Setting the expectations ahead of time will save you a lot of time either doing the task yourself or explaining what you meant in the heat of the moment.

5.  Let the Kids Sort the Laundry
In our house, with 4 boys, I realized early on that having separate hampers for the different laundry loads would save enough time to make it worthwhile.  I bought a sorter with three separate sections.  The boys, including 3 year old Harold, know to put darks on the right, lights in middle and whites on the left.  All I have to do on laundry day (pretty much every day is laundry day around here) is take the clothes from one section, drop it into a basket, carry it to the laundry room and wash.

6.  Keep Socks Separate
I have to give credit where credit is due.  My husband, Horatio, came up with this idea when he saw me struggling to sort through about 100 white socks.  Each son has a different brand of socks, which is a start in helping to make the pairing up process easier.  Horatio came up with an ingenious way to make it even more simple, though.  I bought 4 lingerie bags and labeled each with our boys' names.  When the boys go to put their laundry in the proper section, they also put their socks in their own bag.  Then, when the socks are clean and dry, I can quickly pair them up and put them away.  I've even gone further with the older two boys, ages 13 and 10 1/2.  I take the bags and dump the socks into their underwear drawers and let them do the pairing up each day.  Let's face it, a white sock is a white sock and since each kid has his own brand, they all match.

7.  10 Minute Tidy
I have to admit that I stole this idea from a children's show on PBS.  The clown character used to have a 10 minute tidy in each show.  I applied this idea to my kids.  If I tell the boys to "clean up the playroom," they get overwhelmed and annoyed and the whining begins almost immediately.  If I set a timer, turn off the tv, turn on music and proclaim that it is time for a 10 minute tidy, the whining is minimized and you'd be surprised how much can get put away in 10 minutes.  I should get back to the Set Expectations point, though.  Explain that tidying up means putting toys/video games/books/etc. in their proper places.  Sticking everything under the sofa or in a drawer is not really cleaning up.  Doing this will just make the job harder next time.

8.  Make Good Use of a Coat Rack
I'm pretty sure some readers might have read that line and said, "huh?"  So, I'll explain what I mean.  Last summer I was overwhelmed by our family's pool outings.  We have a membership to our neighborhood pool and the boys like to go every day.  But, when the boys started asking to go to the pool, all I could think of was the 4 wet suits, the 4 wet towels, the goggles, the swim shoes, the snacks, the MESS!  After a lot of thinking, I came up with the idea of a coat rack.  I went online and searched for a relatively sturdy one.  I wanted one I could use in the summer for swimming gear and in the winter for coats and hats.  Now, when we get home from the pool, the boys hang their suits and towels on the coat rack in the entry way.  Sure, it's not the most attractive thing to have near the front door, but people who come to our house know we actually live there.  It's not a show house, after all.  At least this keeps the stuff from sitting in a pile collecting mildew!  The rest of the gear goes into a cute pool bag that I ordered from Lands End, and the bag stays in my car.  Now, when it's time to go to the pool we just grab our stuff and go.  We know where it is, the suits and towels are dry and the goggles haven't gotten lost somewhere!

9.  Labels
No, I'm not talking about deciding which of your children is the smart one or the silly one or the trouble maker.  That would be wrong... right?  A few weeks ago, I was finally fed up with finding more drink ware than we have family members on the kitchen counter and table.  The boys would take a cup, drink from it, and then leave it on the counter or table.  Then when they were thirsty again, they'd forget which one was theirs and just take another one.  By the end of each day, there were at least 6 or 7 kids' cups in various positions around the kitchen.  So, I took out a sharpie and labeled cups with the boys' names on them.  Now, not only do they know which cup was theirs, if someone leaves one out at the end of the day, I know which kid to "remind" to put it away.  There's no room for error OR denial!

10.  Don't Put it Down, Put it Away
I'm as guilty as the next mom when it comes to clutter.  It makes me crazy, though.  I turned over a new leaf this year- at least I'm making an effort at doing so.  My new philosophy is, "don't put it down, put it away."  This way of thinking and doing helps everyone in the family.  I try to remember to put things away the first time, so I don't have to do it later.  It basically saves half the time.  If you are carrying something in your hand, take the extra minute to put it in its proper place and you won't have to move it later.  If I carry one of my 3 year old's toys in from the car and set it on a chair in the living room, on my way to the kitchen, I'll eventually have to go back and pick up the toy and put it somewhere it belongs, which will take at least a minute.  If I put it in its place the first time, it will probably take an extra 20 seconds than just setting it down on my way through the house.  Doing it the right way every time would really add up to a lot of time saved.

11.  Bonus! Hire a Professional Cleaner
Yes, it will cost some money, but it will save you SO much time it is probably worth it.  Let's face it, cleaning your house is time consuming and with our busy lives, we probably don't do a great job at a thorough cleaning.  I find that hiring someone great to clean my house not only saves time, but it keeps my house cleaner and neater.  Every two weeks, a fabulous woman comes to my house and cleans it from top to bottom.  I have to tidy up before she comes, so it keeps me motivated to keep the house less cluttered in the first place.  Of course I have to spot clean in between.  I have to clean the toilets practically every day- I do have 4 boys, after all.  But the house is spotless once every two weeks, even if it's just for a few hours before the kids track in the leaves or spill pretzels or drop their school papers in a trail from the door to the kitchen.  I cherish those few hours and you probably will too.

“I wrote this blog post while participating in the SocialMoms and Starbucks blogging program, for a gift card worth $30. For more information on how you can participate, click here.”

Parenting is Hard

Parenting is hard. If it seems easy to you, no offense, but there’s a good chance you aren’t doing it right.

We are not supposed to be our kids’ friends. We are their parents. Sometimes, more often than not, that means telling them things they don’t want to hear. Good parents lay down the law at home. Kids need rules and structure.

No one can prepare us for the difficulty of the job, or for the rewards of it.
One of the best ways to restore order and happiness in your home is to have a list of house rules. Write the list on a white board or poster board. Having the rules spelled out in black and white will make it easier to stick to them, both for you, the parent and for your child.

My boys are enthusiastic about our new family success game. My sister sent us Dr. Susan Lipkins’ Be a Star! Be A Star and we have implemented the system. The chart allows the parent to give points for good behavior or take away points for negative behavior. You can move the star up to give points or down to deduct points. At the top is a “happy” star and the child gets a reward when he reaches the top. At the bottom is a “sad” star and the child gets a punishment if he reaches the sad star.

I think the “Be A Star” concept is a good place to start for a family in need of some structure. The Be a Star method, coupled with concrete rules, will help you restore order to your home.

In regard to the rules, engage the children in writing them down. When kids have input in the drafting of the rules, they have ownership in them and will be more apt to follow them.

Written rules can really help parents who are wishy washy, and by that, I mean weak. You know who you are… You tell your child to stop (fill in the blank- making a mess, messing around, whatever) but they don’t stop. You say it again and again and then finally give up. It’s too much work to get him to stop, so you leave the room or throw up your arms in defeat. Not only does this not change the immediate behavior, it reinforces the idea that you are not the boss in the house and that the child can do what he wants. With a rules chart, you can point to the list, tell the child to stop, and if he does not stop, state the consequence- end of story. After a few of these episodes, it is highly likely that your child will start to follow the rules, without being told.

In my opinion, the most important concrete rule that belongs near the top of the list is “no violence.” In our home, we have a no tolerance policy for violence. If any of the boys hits, kicks, bites (toddlers bite, let’s face it), pushes- you get the picture; there are immediate consequences. The boys know this and they rarely use aggression with each other. They don’t like the penalties, but they do know they are inevitable and when I intervene and dole out the punishment, they accept it without argument. Consequences vary, from time-outs to loss of privileges, depending on the severity of the violence and the age of the child.
If you use the Be a Star chart, you would move the star straight to the bottom.

What ideas do you have for rules? Rewards? Punishments?
Leave a comment here and let me know.

Line Up

When people learn that I have four boys, they usually give me a look that says something along the lines of, 'I feel sorry for you,' or 'oh boy, I wouldn't want to be in your house, I bet it's noisy all the time.'  (Don't even get me started on the comments like, "oh, never got the girl, huh?"  I can write about that one later.

I get it, I've been in plenty of situations with all boys and the chaos can be intolerable.  However, my boys are usually calm, relatively quiet and sweet.  Of course we have moments (or days) when I look at them or listen to them and think that this is what people think my house is like every day and thank G-d it isn't!

They are still boys, though, and like all children, they like to play and run around, so sometimes I have to resort to extreme measures to get them to focus on what I want to tell them.  When I am trying to get them to listen to something and can tell that it is highly likely that they are not focused on what I am saying, I'll say, in a serious voice, "line up." 

All four boys will line up in front of me, arms at their sides.  When all eight eyes are on my face, I proceed to to convey my message.  Peace is restored.  Everyone is happy... REALLY!

Lately, though, these instances are more frequent than ever.  Perhaps it is because they are getting older and have their own agendas.

Whatever the reason, I realize it is time to bring them back into line.  I'm not sure how we got to this point, but the straw that broke the camel's back came a few nights ago.

The three older boys share a room and sleep in bunk beds.  When I went into their room to kiss them good night, I was bombarded with requests for me to switch their beds.  First, Dwight and Bob said they wanted to switch beds, (Bob to the top, Dwight to the bottom.)  Then Zack said he wanted to sleep in the other top bunk, across from his, where Dwight is now.

They've asked this before.  I used to let them switch frequently, when we lived in China.  But here, their beds have shelves and the boys have stashed books, legos, piggy banks, and much, much, more, in the shelves.  So, the job is significantly more involved. 

I've told them that if they want to switch beds, they have to move all of their stuff.  I'll change the sheets, but they are responsible for the transfer of their "stuff".  They said they'll do this but wanted me to change the sheets in the morning.  They are impatient to get started with the new arrangement. 

When I explained to them that I was not going to do it the next day but that I'd do it when I could fit it into my schedule, they began to whine and complain and ask when I last changed the sheets, when I would do it again and why couldn't it be sooner.

It had been a particularly long day and I had had enough.  So, I said I would do it when they moved all their stuff and showed me they were willing to work for it like I work for them.  They agreed.

Here we are, though, several days later, and everything is still in place.  Not a word about the move since the night of the incident.

Sure, I'll let them trade beds.  I'm happy to do it.  But kids need to know that a family is a team and everyone has to do their share of the work (sort of).

It has been better since that night.  They are back in line but still having fun, enjoying being kids.  It's a fine line, making sure our kids do their share, but also making sure to let them have fun and be kids.

I'm walking the tightrope, for sure.

legos legos legos- what to do about the "I wants"

Kids are dreamers, right?  So, it makes sense for them to think about the things they want- a lot.  Where is the line, though?

Three of my boys love legos.  It's pretty much all they think about right now.  They build the sets they have, they dissect the sets and build new inventions.  They build huge lego "bases" and have battles and adventures.  They involve their friends, it goes on and on and it's great.

BUT, they also want more legos.  No matter how many we have, and we have PLENTY, (we have thousands) they want more.  They browse the catalogs, surf amazon.com and have recently discovered ebay.  These practices are fine with me.  I know it is natural for them to want things.  They are kids, after-all. 

But, where do we draw the line?  How much do I listen to "I want this set," and "I want this mini figure," and "maybe I'll get this set," before I put a stop to it?

They earn allowance for being "good family citizens" and can earn extra money by doing extra chores, so they can spend their own money as they choose.  I think it is OK for them to think of what they want, spend their money, and see what it is like to have no money left to buy more or other things.  But after listening to the "I wants" for a few days in a row now, I am growing tired of it. 

Sure, I tell them to keep a list so they can ask for the sets they want at holiday and birthday time, but the talk continues.

We have 9  more days before school starts and I'd prefer to not have to listen to the retail talk for that long.  So, I came up with a solution I hope will work.

Today I will tell them they can tell one another about the things they want.  If they want me to know about specific items, they can write them down and show me the list at the end of the day.

I hope this strategy works.

Welcome

Hello. Now that we have moved from China, I am starting a new blog to go along with the Every Baby Book site.

My site is www.EveryBabyBook.com. Prenatal to Preteen, I Read Every Baby Book... So You Don't Have To...

I've been reading books about pregnancy, childbirth, babies and kids ever since I was expecting my first child. There is a lot of great information out there. Unfortunately, each book only has bits of the great information and lots of other stuff to sort through to get to it. So, I decided to be the source to put all the good information together.

In addition to all the reading I do, I have 4 children, I'm a Navy wife, a special needs Mom, and a teacher. I have all the experience from these roles, plus written resources, in my head and I love to help other parents. Not a day goes by that I don't have some kind of issue to deal with at home. Our house is by no means perfect but I try to put what I know to use and I am always available to help any parent who needs help.

I answer questions by email: Erin(at)EveryBabyBook.com and I will answer questions left as comments on the blog.

I do parent coaching in your home or mine and I conduct "Parenting with Poise" seminars.

Send me an email for further information.

I look forward to hearing from you.