No Use Crying

It's all fun and games until something upsets the apple cart, so to speak.


Single parenting is not easy, nor is it complicated.  The hardest part, for me, besides having to do absolutely everything- every day, is the logistics of getting the boys to their various appointments and activities, all at the same time.  It's not rocket science, though, all it takes is for me to swallow my pride and ask for help.  Thanks to supportive friends, we work it out.

What throws me off my game is anything that goes wrong.  One little thing that adds extra work to my day can really knock me off track.

Today I really did feel like crying over spilt milk.  Here's what happened...
Dwight poured himself a glass of milk this morning.  He had a few sips and then put it in the fridge.  Yes, I've told him not to do this what feels like a thousand times.  I reminded him two days ago.  He is 11 years old, though, so my expectations only reach so high.  In his mind, thanks to our philosophy of minimizing waste, he was doing the right thing.


Tonight, during the tiresome, yet necessary task of making dinner for the boys, I knocked the glass of milk over- in the fridge.  Insert exasperated sigh here...

My initial instinct was to yell, growl, find someone else to clean it up.  Facts are facts, however annoying, it was my fault and no one else would, or should, clean it up.  So, slightly dramatically, I admit, I cleaned it up.  Bounty paper towels are a staple in our house for a reason.  Spills happen.  In the end of the day, it truly isn't worth crying or yelling over spilt milk.


It's just a bit of a mess.  No one was hurt.  The fridge was due for a little cleaning anyway.  I soaked up the milk, sprayed it down with a water/white vinegar solution and wiped it again.  A half roll of Bounty in the trash and the job was done.  I poured myself a drink, sat down and watched my boys calmly watching The Amazing Race. 

After 14+ months at this job of single parenting, I'm happy to say that that I am still not a yeller.  It's not always easy and is a big relief to know.  An incident like the refrigerator milk spill is a cliche reminder.  It really isn't worth crying/yelling over spilt milk.  Only a handful of things warrant a parent yelling.  It's a hard habit to break, but the kids REALLY appreciate it and actually listen better when parents don't yell.


We are 75% finished with this deployment.  I can almost see the end of the road where I know Horatio will be home and it won't be as much of a struggle to keep my patience in tact.   When Horatio is home, he often helps with the milk spills or pours the drink.  For that, I am thankful.

Writing Contest

Staying connected during deployment can be a challenge, so when MilitaryBases.com ran a writing contest called, "you're the expert," I knew this would be a great topic.

Turned out I was right because they chose my piece as the 1st prize winner!

Thank you MilitaryBases.com

http://militarybases.com/blog/staying-connected-during-deployment/

Another Day in Autism Land

The laws in Autism Land are different from the laws in Neurotypical Land and anyone with a kid who earned the family the right to live in A.L. can tell you this is true.  Sometimes the A.L. laws contradict the N.T. laws but in the end of the day, no matter how the N.T. world feels about it, the A.L. laws take precedent.

Sometimes you just have to cancel a dentist appointment. 

Is it considered illness, a legitimate reason for cancellation, when the reason, summed up, is Autism?

I've had dentist appointments for all four boys on the calendar for 6 months.  The office assistant called on Tuesday to confirm said appointments.  All was well, so I said we'd see her there, 9:00 Thursday morning.

Well, then Autism roared it's kooky head.

Zack has a week full of long term assignments (some past due), meetings for high school preparation, and tests.  He entered the house last night in a fog of frustration.  On top of it all, the school bus keeps getting more crowded and he never gets a seat to himself.  This probably sounds silly to anyone not affected by the sensory storm of Autism, but in our world, sitting smooshed against someone, other than family or a close friend, on a small bus seat, would be like having your seat-mate lick your cheek.  Really.  It's hard to understand, but kids with sensory integration disorder can feel "creepy crawly," crowded and confused, when strangers get too close.  At the end of a chaotic middle school day, Zack just wants his space and there's nothing I can do about it except understand how it ends his day with a boot kick to the brain. 

So, as we meandered carefully through the maze of homework, dinner and de-stressing, I mentioned that he could sleep in the next morning because he and his brothers had a dentist appointment.  You'd have thought I told him he had four more science projects and he'd have to sit with not one, but two, kids on the bus. 

It was an utter meltdown. 

Sometimes you just have to cancel a dentist appointment. 

It's a judgement call.  I hope the dentist office assistant understands, but it's the right call.  Taking Zack to the dentist today would have been bad for everyone.  Taking an already wound up sensory confused, frustrated kid with autism, to a place where they strap a paper bib to his chest, touch his face and stick their fingers in his mouth, would not have ended well for anyone. 

I'm the mom.  I have to try to make my boy's world as inviting as possible.  I try to help him avoid hostile environments of all kinds and to him, today, the dentist office would have been a battlefield, so I sent him off to school. 

Who'd have ever thought that middle school would be the lesser of two evils???

One thing I've always done, every since Horatio first started traveling for extended periods of time, 20 years ago, is redecorate to pass the time.

It all started when we lived in Scotland.  Newly married and isolated in a small town on the west coast of Scotland, I was bored and lonely and watched whatever American television I could find.  I watched Oprah every day.  She was my link back to the U.S.

She had decorating tips on the show even back then and I used to try to implement them.  I'd move pictures around, move furniture around, buy accents.  Horatio never knew what he might find when he returned from a trip to Brussels, Amsterdam, The Hebrides, etc.

As time has passed, my redecorating efforts have increased.  I've progressed to moving large furniture, with the help of Dwight, my muscle man 11 year old son.  I plant flowers and bushes and seed the grass.  Once, I painted a bathroom.

Horatio left on Friday after a great two week visit.  While he was here we talked about painting the off white/yellow family room.

I dropped Horatio at the airport at 9:30 and by 10:00 I was at Home Depot buying paint, rollers, brushes, tape and more.  (We'd already chosen the color we'd seen at our friends' house on Christmas Eve.)

I drove home, moved furniture away from the walls, climbed up on a ladder and started taping up the trim and ceiling.

The taping took 2 hours, requiring some precarious balancing for the peaks of the vaulted ceilings, and was tiring, but I probably would have started to paint at that point had I not had 4 children asking when we could have dinner.  They have a tendency to need to eat a few times per day.



The next morning I was painting by 8 am.  I banished the kids to the playroom/rec room in the basement and they were pretty good about giving me the time to paint. 

Once, Dwight came up to talk with me and put his hand on the wet wall.  He learned his lesson.  Surprisingly, Harold was pretty good about it.  He came up to talk to me several times, but kept his hands off the walls.

The painting took 3 1/2 hours.  (Thank you Behr for making paint and primer in one step a possibility!)

Later in the afternoon, I took the tape down and moved the furniture back, and that took another hour.
I love the results.  I rearranged the furniture while I was at it, of course, and love the new arrangement, too.

The thing of it is that when there is no spouse around for conversation, or, let's face it, needing meals, help, or other such attention, things get done a lot faster!  Of course, in most ways it would be easier to have a spouse around during big projects to take care of the rest of the chores around the house, but the projects keep me busy and I love to see the immediate results.

So, I'll probably keep changing things around and Horatio will worry about the changes while he's gone, but love it when he returns, as always.

That's the way things go...

Hot Pants- Yes they are

I received my HotPants, for review, from the company Zaggora over a month ago.  I really had no idea what to expect but when I opened the package I found what look a bit like black bicycle pants lined in bright yellow, made from wet suit material.

HotPants were born from the idea that the appearance of cellulite can be reduced by Celu-Lite technology which increases perspiration by up to 80%, reduces the appearance of cellulite and body fat.

You can wear the HotPants to increase the intensity of your work out or just wear them as you do housework and go about your business. 


I have been running on my treadmill at least 4 days per week (most weeks) for the past year and eagerly put them on for my next morning's run.  I've lost about 10 pounds since I started this work out regimen and had been stuck at there for a while, so I had high hopes, but realistic expectations.

I mean, really,  pants that can help you reduce your dress size?

What I found:

The HotPants increase perspiration for sure!  They are super comfortable, though tight to pull on the first time and I was drenched in sweat after my workout, the pants themselves did not feel wet, nor stinky.  I was completely comfortable during my workout.  I did not feel sweaty under the pants at all, but I had definitely perspired more than usual during my 30 minute run.

I have not worn the HotPants around the house, only to work out.

I've run 20-30 minutes 3 to five days per week, wearing the HotPants for about 6 weeks. 

I have dropped an additional 3 pounds since starting the wear the HotPants!  I've also dropped a pant size.  I like to think that it is in part due to my great work out, but I must give credit where credit is due:

Thank you HotPants.

My one complaint is that the seam on one side of the pants became un sewn.  I quickly sewed the 2 inch gap on my sewing machine and they are as good as new.

I recommend the HotPants to anyone looking to increase the power of their workout.  I will continue to wear them and hope to continue the trend of weight loss.

The product will be released officially next month.

Disclaimer: I received the HotPants  free from the company for my review.  The opinions are mine and are honest.

Book Review: Silver Smoke (Seven Halos Series #1)

Silver Smoke a great book for fans of fantasy and the supernatural. Monica Leonelle's first book was fabulous. She is a great writer.

The story is addictive and the book was hard to put down. The characters are complex and have flaws, that make them complicated and very realistic.  It is easy to connect to the characters and to root for them all the way to the end.

I found the story to be complex and unpredictable, which I love.

The author has crafted a tale of myth, legend and lore which suck the reader in from the beginning. There are the classic story conflicts of good vs evil, as well as more subtle conflicts woven throughout the story.


You'll find yourself rooting for the unlikeliest of heros and will not be disappointed.

The book can be found here: Silver Smoke

Great Gift Giveaway- Hickory Farms

It feels like Hickory Farms  has been around forever.  60 years, to be exact.  They have been around so long because they are a great company and offer a quality product and fabulous customer service.  Of particular interest to many of my readers, and to me, is the fact that many of their products ship free to military addresses. 

CELEBRATING 60 YEARS OF HICKORY FARMS®
When Hickory Farms was founded in 1951 in the pastoral farm country of Ohio, the products quickly became a hallmark gift for those who appreciate rich and savory foods. For the past 60 years, Hickory Farms’ commitment to personalized service and the legendary quality of its products have kept the company popular on gift lists everywhere.

Hickory Farms brings the best of Midwest values and unwavering quality to consumers in North America and the U.S. Armed Forces all over the world. Customers can find Hickory Farms’ award winning sausage, cheese and other specialty items at 750+ Hickory Farms holiday stores, online at hickoryfarms.com, in catalogs, and at leading retailers throughout the holiday
season.

Hickory Farms has a great tradition of giving.

THE TRADITION OF GIVING BACK
Hickory Farms is committed to giving back through its partnership with Share Our Strength®, a leading national not-for profit organization working to end childhood hunger in North America. This holiday season, when customers purchase a Party Planner gift box, Hickory Farms will contribute $5 to Share Our Strength’s No Kid Hungry® Campaign*. Customers will also have the opportunity to include a $1 donation to the campaign with their purchase at a Hickory Farms store or at hickoryfarms.com. Hickory Farms’ passion for fighting childhood hunger has generated more than $1.1M in contributions to Share Our Strength since 2008. The company is looking to raise and/or donate an additional $700,000 this coming holiday season. 

Beyond Share Our Strength, Hickory Farms is a strong supporter of the U.S. Armed Forces serving across the globe. All year long, Hickory Farms offers free shipping on select products to military addresses to ensure that families can send loved ones much needed food gifts and warm wishes.

These items, and more, are shipped free to military addresses:

PARTY PLANNER GIFT BOX, $45

Supports Share Our Strength’s No Kid Hungry ® Campaign 

This gift is a flavorful array of our savory Summer Sausage and smooth and creamy cheeses with all the trimmings. With every one sold this year, we will donate $5 to Share Our Strength’s No Kid Hungry ® Campaign. Maximum donation $500,000, offer valid thru 1/31/12.

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS GIFT BOX, $55

Free shipping to APO/FPO military addresses. 

Enjoy the favorite gift sent to loved ones serving overseas, featuring the award winning flavor of Our Signature Beef Summer Sausage and Italian Recipe Summer Sausages. The combination pairs perfectly with our deliciously creamy cheeses, Sweet Hot and Honey Pineapple Mustards and savory crackers.

SUMMER SAUSAGE & CHEESE, $40

Free shipping to APO/FPO military addresses. 

As favorite for over half a century, this classic gift features Our Signature Beef Summer Sausage complemented by our new Farmhouse Cheddar, Smoked Gouda and Smoked Cheddar Cheeses.

ORCHARD’S BOUNTY BASKET, $78

The fresh fruit lover will adore the Orchard’s Bounty Basket filled with hand packed-to-order assortment of Fuji Apples, Mandarin Oranges, luscious Red D’Anjou and Crown Comice® Pears. Includes Our Signature Beef Summer Sausage, Farmhouse Cheddar and roasted mix nuts in a keepsake Peterboro® Basket.

WARM AND HEARTY WELCOME, $30

Free shipping to APO/FPO military addresses. 

This collection of classics includes both beef and turkey Summer Sausages, as well as Hickory Farms’ new, smooth and creamy Farmhouse Cheddar.

 One Lucky Reader will win a gift box from Hickory Farms. 
To Enter, 

1st Entry:  Become a follower of the blog and leave a comment here telling me you did so.

2nd Entry:   Become a follower of The Deployment Diatribes and leave a comment here telling me you did so. 

3rd Entry: "Like" Been There Done That Mom on Facebook and leave a comment here telling me you did so.

4th Entry:  Follow @BTDTmom on Twitter and leave a comment here telling me you did so. 

The giveaway will close Sunday night at 11:59 pm.

After Verification, the winner will be contacted via email and will receive the product directly from Hickory Farms.

Breastfeeding and Pregnancy- It must be said...

In my opinion, I should not have to say this, but I just heard from a friend who is pregnant with her second child, in less than a year, because "breastfeeding did not serve as adequate birth control." 

Seriously?  

In this day and age, with information so readily available, I don't know why people still don't know that breastfeeding will not prevent ovulation in most women.  If ovulation isn't prevented, pregnancy is possible.

If you want to prevent another pregnancy after you've had a baby, you need to use actual birth control methods.  If you are breastfeeding, the best option is a barrier method, such as condoms.  Any hormonal contraceptive has the chance of changing your milk supply, no matter how much your doctor tries to reassure you that it won't.

If you want to continue to breastfeed your baby, exclusively or not, be very wary of putting any hormones into your body.  The potential for your milk to be at least partially dried up is high.

I repeat, condoms are your best bet to prevent an unwanted, untimely, pregnancy after the birth of your child- until you wean your baby.

"But it took me two years to conceive this baby with clomid and IUI.  There's no way I'm just going to get pregnant without help this time."  Except that you might!  Many people find that their fertility is much higher the second time around and "find themselves pregnant" only months after the birth of their first baby.

So, I repeat, if you want to plan your family, spacing your children according to your schedule, use birth control.

Breastfeeding is best for baby, having a sibling born in the same year might not be.  

It's Time to Shop

Let's face it.  No matter what holiday you celebrate in your home at this time of year, for the kids, a big part, if not the biggest part, is about the presents. 

So, we parents must do our best to fulfill our kids' wishes.  We hear all about Black Friday, Cyber Monday, etc.  How are we supposed to know if we are getting a good deal?  I found a great site for my Canadian followers.  At this toy site for kids games online, you can shop and compare deals on toys of all sorts! 

The site will tell you the price history of the item and will show you similar items. 

I have 4 kids to shop for and 2 holidays to cover, not to mention 2 birthdays... no small feat.  It's exhausting to think about, let alone make it all happen. I do almost all of my shopping online.  I can't face the stores at this time of year.  The only time I shop in the stores for gifts at this time of year is if I already have to make a trip there and I can just add the items to my existing list.

I find everything online and it only takes a little work to find the best price at the time I am shopping.  With a little work, I can often find a code for free shipping, or have the item shipped to a store nearby where I can pick it up, free of charge. 

I find it helpful to have a game plan, otherwise I end up buying and buying, forgetting what I've already bought for each of the boys.  I've even misplaced gifts in years past, there were too many to keep track of, it was ridiculous.

So, this year I am keeping track of it all on my phone... At least that's what I plan to do. I just have to find the time to go through everything and make the list.  I'm sure I'll get around to it.  In the meantime, it's fun just to shop for the kids, as long as I stick to a budget.

In the end, make sure you are having fun.  Do whatever works best for you.  If you like to get out of the house and shop in the stores, do it.  Go to the mall, go to Target, wherever you feel most comfortable.  I'm most comfortable sitting on my stability ball (better for my back) at my computer, so that's where I do my shopping.  I'm certainly not going to take 4 antsy boys to a store!

Empty nest

Thanks to Lemuel Craft

Our last child has recently left for college, and my husband and I could not be happier. In many ways it feels like it did when we were first married. We have several close friends who have recently become empty nesters, and they all have raved about it. Now I know why. Our evenings our back to just being the two of us. We live along a lake, and we have spent the last several nights sitting on the dock and watching the sun set. I love our children dearly, but when they lived at home, they brought an added level of stress that is no longer here. However, with two still in college, we have been watching how we spend our money. We recently switched to fixed-rate energy through www.texaselectricityproviders.com in order to have a more predictable bill, and we have dipped into our short-term savings to pay for tuition. Luckily my husband set up a fund a number of years ago to pay for our children’s college education. I am so thankful for our children, but it is nice to be in a new stage of life with just my husband and me.

Easy Money for Autism Speaks. Please Help!

Get a simple quote from Allstate between now and December 14 and they'll donate $10 to Autism Speaks! 

 

Allstate “Quotes for Autism Speaks” Aims to Raise $500,000

Initiative to support research for causes, prevention and treatment of autism

NORTHBROOK, Ill., Nov. 15, 2011 – According to autism statistics from the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, an estimated one in 110 children in the U.S. are diagnosed with autism – a 600 percent increase in the past two decades. To help address this trend and support autism research and advocacy efforts, Allstate Insurance Company (NYSE: ALL) announced the launch of the “Quotes for Autism Speaks” program. As part of the program, Allstate will donate $10 to Autism Speaks for every insurance quote that is completed between November 14 and December 14, 2011, with the goal of raising $500,000 for the cause.

Individuals who receive an insurance quote will help Allstate reach the $500,000 goal and help change the future for those who struggle with autism. Quotes may be obtained online at AutismSpeaks.org/Allstate or by calling 866-998-4488.

“As a father of twin boys with autism, I recognize the magnitude of autism research, advocacy and outreach and the need to support families and individuals impacted by this disorder every day,” said Mark LaNeve, Allstate executive vice president, marketing & sales operations, who also serves on the board of directors for Autism Speaks. “Through Allstate’s support of this cause, we look forward to engaging families and communities to bring a stronger voice to Autism Speaks and support their mission.”

An estimated 1.5 million individuals in the U.S. and tens of millions worldwide are affected by autism. This year, more children will be diagnosed with autism than with childhood cancer, juvenile diabetes and pediatric AIDS combined.

“We are extremely grateful to Allstate for its commitment to raise awareness and funds for the autism community,” said Mark Roithmayr, president of Autism Speaks. “’Quotes for Autism Speaks’ is a wonderful program that has the potential to touch the lives of countless families affected by autism. We encourage everyone to show their support and contact Allstate for their free quote.”

About Allstate

The Allstate Corporation (NYSE: ALL) is the nation’s largest publicly held personal lines insurer known for its “You’re In Good Hands With Allstate^®” slogan. Now celebrating its 80th anniversary as an insurer, Allstate is reinventing protection and retirement to help nearly 16 million households insure what they have today and better prepare for tomorrow. Consumers access Allstate insurance products (auto, home, life and retirement) and services through Allstate agencies, independent agencies, and Allstate exclusive financial representatives in the U.S. and Canada, as well as via www.allstate.com and 1-800 Allstate^®.

About Autism Speaks

Autism Speaks is the world’s largest autism science and advocacy organization. Since its inception in 2005, Autism Speaks has made enormous strides, committing over $160 million to research and developing innovative new resources for families. The organization is dedicated to funding research into the causes, prevention, treatments and a cure for autism; increasing awareness of autism spectrum disorders; and advocating for the needs of individuals with autism and their families. In addition to funding research, Autism Speaks has created resources and programs including the Autism Speaks Autism Treatment Network, Autism Speaks’ Autism Genetic Resource Exchange and several other scientific and clinical programs. Notable awareness initiatives include the establishment of the annual United Nations-sanctioned World Autism Awareness Day on April 2, which Autism Speaks celebrates through its Light it Up Blue initiative. Also, Autism Speaks award-winning “Learn the Signs” campaign with the Ad Council has received over $300 million in donated media. Autism Speaks’ family resources include the Autism Video Glossary, a 100 Day Kit for newly-diagnosed families, a School Community Tool Kit, a Grandparent’s Guide to Autism, and a community grant program. Autism Speaks has played a critical role in securing federal legislation to advance the government’s response to autism, and has successfully advocated for insurance reform to cover behavioral treatments in 29 states thus far, with bills pending in an additional 10 states. Each year Walk Now for Autism Speaks events are held in more than 80 cities across North America. To learn more about Autism Speaks, please visit www.autismspeaks.org.

 

When things go wrong

With four children and a deployed husband, I live to avoid Mrs. Murphy's Law.

Everyone knows Murphy's Law:  "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong," but it is wives of men who travel or are deployed who best know Mrs. Murphy's Law: "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong when Mr. Murphy is away."

Of course, though, things are bound to go wrong and one of the most challenging examples is something on the car breaks.

The stereotype is for a woman to wait for her man to come home to help fix the problem, but women whose husbands are not available, or who just want to be independent, can learn to fix these problems themselves. 

Developing a good relationship with a good auto parts store can make all the difference.

If something on your car breaks, or a light comes on, visit a shop near you and ask for help.  People in these stores are usually friendly and are almost always very knowledgeable and eager to help. 

Relationships are an important key in many situations.  Whether you need help replacing an old windshield wiper or want to know the right oil to replace the oil in your car, the guys in auto parts stores are a plethora of knowledge.  I've found them to be incredibly helpful and by going back to the same helpful store each time, I establish a friendly relationship and am more apt to get more help with my task, something for which I am very grateful. 

By fixing things around the house and maintaining my car, I show my kids I can do these things and keep the house running smoothly for them even when their Dad is away for long periods.  Kids need to feel  safe and certain that life will continue as they know it.  By being a strong adult, capable of taking care of anything that comes my way, I help my boys feel secure in our home and our life. 

Set Expectations

Running a chaos free household is not hard.  It might seem overwhelming, but it is an achievable goal, even if you think it's too late to change your kids.  It is NEVER too late.

The first thing you have to do is change yourself.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine, who happens to be a family counselor.  We were discussing this issue and she pointed out that, for the most part, unless we make a concerted effort to change, our parenting styles come from how we were parented.  Our parents are our models.

So, if you remember chaos in your childhood, you probably have it in your life now, too.

Here's how you can change things...

1.  Make up your mind to make the changes.

2.  Decide what the changes you desire are.
     -  Be specific.
              -If you want to yell less., that's a goal.
              -If you want your kids to listen the first time you tell them something, that's a goal. 

3.  Don't be overwhelmed by the thought of the work it will take. By taking small steps and being certain of your goal, you can make changes.

Let's say you want your kids to listen to what you say and do what you tell them to do, here's how you get there...

1.  Call a family meeting.
      State your concerns and your goals and tell your kids how you all are going to make the home a happier place.

     Be honest.

     Tell your kids that you haven't been doing your job of setting rules and following through with them but that those days are over and you are all moving forward.
     Tell them that this isn't a punishment, but that it just hasn't been working well the way it is and you want everyone to be more happy and calm at home and having set ways the house will run is the way to get there.

     State the "new" rules.  For instance, no yelling (yourself included), following parents' directions, doing chores, respecting siblings and parents, etc.

     List the consequences for not following the new rules.  Consequences should be clearly stated so there is no room for argument.

     I do not recommend stating rewards.  The kids should follow the rules because that is how families work.  The reward is the smooth and happy family life.   
         

2.  Start right away.  Easing into the rules will not help.  You have to show the kids you say what you mean and mean what you say.  This is critical to the success of the plan.  If the kids see you wavering, even a little, they will walk all over you and it will be even harder to make changes.

     If your son is antagonizing your daughter, tell him to stop: hitting, kicking, poking, whatever, right now.

     Hopefully he will stop, but if he does not, say, "I've told you to stop, do it now or I will take away your (fill in the blank) for the rest of the day."
     Then do it.
     Don't raise your voice, don't show your agitation, just do it casually.  It is the rule, the rule was broken, consequence is not up for argument.  If the child continues to commit the infraction or protests, tell him that he needs to stop or the further consequence will be (fill in the blank.)

     Then follow through and stick to it.  Do not give the item back until the end of the day no matter how great the child's behavior is as the day goes on.  A consequence is set in stone.  That is the only way you will make changes.

As I've said time and again, you have to say what you mean and mean what you say.  If you back down even once, you shoot yourself in the foot and your kids will slip further into the pattern of undesirable behavior. 

Small children who don't follow rules become teenagers who rebel, break rules and slip into dangerous patterns of behavior.

Now is the time to fix these patterns.  Even if you have a teenager you can change the patterns.  It just takes effort and stick-to-it-iveness on your part.

I cannot be more clear about this issue.

I see families struggling wherever I go.  At the grocery store, I see families with young children barely getting through their shopping because kids are yelling and whining and causing a raucous the entire time.  The parents look exhausted and beaten down and without hope.  The trip could be made so much more pleasent if the parent set expectations from the start and stated the consequences for not meeting the expectations.

What I see, though, is kids whining and throwing a fit to get something, parents trying to fend off the requests but giving in in the end.

Remember, kids will always ask one more time than you can refuse if you are in the habit of giving in.  They know you are weak and will prey on the weakness in order to meet their goal.

You have to reset the process.

You need to persist in order to meet YOUR goal.  YOU are in charge, as long as you remember that and keep your goal in sight, you will be successful.  Your kids will argue but in the end, everyone will be happier because your household will run more smoothly.


I see families with teenagers whose parents have given up trying to get them to conform to the family rules.  These kids have been successful at being in charge in their families for so long, it's the norm.

Of all things, remember, as parents, you run the family.  You are in charge.  Set the rules, set guidelines and stick to them.  Say what you mean and mean what you say EVERY TIME and things will get better, probably a lot more quickly than you think.  Don't be "bossy."  You are the boss, but you'll achieve your goal more easily if you are calm and nonchelant about it. 
    

1.  Set your goals.
2.  State them to your kids.
3.  Implement the changes.

It is as simple as 1-2-3.  Really.

Controlling the Clutter

When I had only one child, keeping the playroom tidy was no problem.  Fast forward to today and, often, I can't walk a straight line through our playroom, or man cave, as my sons prefer to call it.  I have to meander through the strewn toys, books, remotes, dvds, legos (ouch)...  well, you get the picture.  That is, until I decide I've enough and take control of the clutter.

Here's how I do it, and you can too...

1-  As I have mentioned on this blog before, every few days I call for a 10 minute tidy.

What is a 10 minute tidy?  It's how I get my boys to keep the playroom from getting overrun by the mass of clutter.  10 minutes is a manageable amount of time for the boys to clean up without getting overwhelmed.  By doing this every couple of days, it truly does control the mess.

2-  Location Location Location.  Every category of toys has it's place in the playroom.  Wii games belong in the cabinet, neatly stacked.  Legos belong in large bins and we have smaller plastic drawers for the special Lego items.  Books belong on the shelves, obviously.  Larger toys and games have places in the closets and in large buckets (purchased at Walmart) that line the walls.

3-  Assign responsibility.  Each of my four sons has his own area of responsibility.  Just like the Navy has numbered fleets that control different theaters of operation, each kid in our family takes control over a region of the playroom.  This is very effective because it often prevents mess in the first place.  If Dwight sees Zack leaving remotes and Wii games on the floor of his domicile, he will immediately complain and make Zack put them away so that it is not left for him to take care of in the 10 minute tidy.



These three steps can go a long way toward keeping your clutter under control.  They have saved my sanity, the boys know what I expect from them and how to make it happen.

The Forever Moments

I just received a beautiful piece of art from The Forever Moments.  The photo was taken when Horatio visited us last month.

My days are filled from 0' dark thirty until way past sundown.

I often forget to capture the fun moments on the camera, but even when I remember to snap a photo, the pictures rarely leave the hard drive on my computer.  I know I'm not the only one who has this problem.

Of course I wish I had time to make scrapbooks, I've even been to some of those scrapbook parties where an organized mom teaches us barely put together moms how to put together detailed scrapbooks with our kids' pictures, making the rest of us feel wholly inadequate.

Sometimes I find time to stick a favorite picture of my adorable (yes, I am biased, of course) kids into a frame, but that's about the most ambitious I get.  I barely have time to shower some days, so creating works of art is WAY down on the To Do list.

So I am very happy to have found this great site where someone will do it for me!

You can send your favorite images to The Forever Moments and they will do all the work!  They have dozens of templates to choose from and you can personalize them all.  They personalized the dog tags on my template.  (I've edited the boys' names for privacy, the writing actually looks just like the "Daddy" on the other dog tag.)  They will use whatever names you request, no matter how silly, and will even change colors for you.

Each template is cut out by hand, not printed out like you see on other sites.

You can order the templates with or without the frame.

Prices range from $9.95 to $19.99 depending on the intricacy of the design, and they donate $1 of each military themed template order to Blue Star Families, which I love!

I received my art over the weekend and the boys and I immediately found prominent wall space on which to hang it.  Then, the next time we skyped with Horatio, we took the camera over to the wall so he could see it.

It brought tears to his eyes.

The best part, readers, is that we have one to give away and you can enter several times.
The giveaway will run through November 3rd.

For your 1st Entry: Head over to The Forever Moments website and then come back here and leave a comment telling me which layout is your favorite.

For your 2nd Entry: Head over to facebook and "Like" their page.  Leave a comment there saying BeenThereDoneThatMom sent you and come back here to tell me you did so.

For your 3rd Entry: Become a Follower of this blog and comment here to tell me you've done so.
 
For your 4th Entry: "Like" Been There Done That Mom on facebook and leave a comment here telling me you did so.

For a 5th and Final Entry: Follow @BTDTmom on twitter and leave a comment here telling me you have done so.

I will choose a winner on November 3rd and the winner will be contacted by the great women at The Forever Moments within 2 business days to choose a layout and get the ball rolling!
I received my template as a gift from The Forever Moments but the opinions I've expressed are solely mine.

Get Playing!

The Worldwide Day of Play is September 24th this year.

What is the Worldwide Day of Play, you ask?  It is the one day per year that everyone, everywhere, is encouraged to join together, shut off the television and get outside to play together as a family.


The Day of Play is a great opportunity to get your family going in the right direction toward being active and healthy. It's easy to get stuck in the routine of watching tv every day before and after homework and dinner, but, in my experience, once we get the kids outside and playing, they want to do it day after day.  Playing comes naturally to kids and when parents join in, it is even better.

We try to get outside in the evenings whenever the weather is clear.  We are lucky to live in something similar to a cul-de-sac so the kids can play without fear of traffic and they can play with the 10 other cul-de-sac kids.

We get games of four square going that last for two hours or more.  I just love watching the kids play games I enjoyed when I was a child.  We keep endless supplies of sidewalk chalk on hand so the kids can draw hopscotch paths and other artwork.  They once did a hopscotch path with 100 squares!  They had fun AND taught the preschool aged siblings more numbers.

When the sun goes down, the flashlights come out for rounds of flashlight tag.  With sunset times getting earlier and earlier these days, the flashlight games can begin sooner and the kids run themselves ragged before having to go inside and shower or bathe before getting straight to bed.  By getting active, they burn their pent up energy from long days of school and homework and are able to get to sleep more easily.  It's win-win!

When I was a newer parent, I did not want my kids to get dirty when they played.  Getting dirty meant more laundry and more time spent in the bath.  I then realized that the dirtier they were, the more fun they'd had, and laundry is going to pile up no matter what.  It's nothing a bar of soap and some Clorox bleach can't easily fix.

With four boys, I was destined to have a constant stream of kids in and out the front door.  Getting outside to play is the best thing we can do to keep our kids healthy and active and ready to learn at school the next day.

I signed the Pledge to Play Outside at http://clorox2play2day.com and I encourage you to do the same.

Let's Play!

I wrote this blog post while participating in the SocialMoms and Clorox2® blogging program, for a gift card worth $40. For more information on how you can participate, click here.

Read Together

It's tempting to give up reading to your kid as soon as he can read independently.  Every minute a parent gets back to herself counts, but did you know that by continuing to read to your child you can greatly increase his vocabulary, reading aptitude, and therefor, increase his test scores later in life? 

Even when your child is reading "chapter books" you should sit down with him and read a book to him. 

I can hear you saying, "what the heck am I supposed to do?  I have three kids.  I can't read to each one of them.  I'll never get time to myself."  What you can do is select a book that is slightly above your younger child's level, but not too 'over his head'.  You will be surprised how much he will pick up from your reading and your oldest won't get bored, even if he says he will. 

In our family, we especially like the Great Illustrated Classics and Classic Starts books.  The stories are timeless and reading them can help our kids on many levels.  They hear words they can add to their vocabularies, they learn stories that they will hear referenced again and again throughout their school years, and they learn lessons from the stories themselves. 

At our house, we are currently reading the Harry Potter Books.  The stories keep the boys' attentions and we are spending time together each night.  All four boys look forward to the next chapter.  Of course we don't read together every night, and sometimes one of the boys has too much homework to listen or one is too tired, but we keep it up because it's great on so many levels and I encourage you to do the same.  You won't be sorry.

IEPs and 504 Plans- Be Ready

504 Plans and Individualized Education Plans (IEPs) are the source of angst for many parents of school aged children.  I’m here to tell you that these plans work for kids, and they are worth the hard work required by parents and educators to get them right.  

I'm not going to beat around the bush, though, you have to work the system to get them and work even harder to get the plan to work for your child.  I’m definitely not here to bash the system, I want to arm you with the tools to get through the process and come out on top.

One of my sons has Asperger’s Syndrome, dyslexia and dysgraphia, and I suspect that one of my other sons has dyslexia as well. I’ve been attending IEP and 504 Plan meetings for eight years, so in this case, I really am a been there- done that mom. 

The most important thing that I’ve learned, and it’s been a hard lesson to learn, is do not let yourself be intimidated at the meetings.  It is easy to let yourself get overwhelmed by the sheer number of administrators, educators, counselors and specialists sitting at the table.  It has happened to me on more than one occasion and is very frustrating to walk out of the school building and suddenly realize that I did not succeed in getting my child what he needs.  

Here’s how to make sure each meeting is successful:

Know what you want.  Before you go to the meeting, decide what your objective is.  Do you want a 504 Plan for your child or an Individualized Education Plan for him?  504 Plans are simply educational and environmental accommodations for your child.  Teachers and administrators are obligated to follow the plan in every way possible to help your child be as successful in school as his or her peers.  An IEP is a list of goals and a timeline stating how and by when the goals will be reached.  Good information can be found online at sites like this: 504 Plan vs. IEP and this: IEP Goals.    

Lay the Groundwork. Start by contacting the teacher directly.  Sending an email is effective because it gives you a record of all contact.  Once you have made your inquiry, the teacher is obligated to follow up and get you the information you need and set up a meeting, if warranted.  

Be Prepared.  Now that you know what type of plan you want for your child and have a meeting set up, revisit the key websites and write a list of accommodations or goals for your child.  Be specific so that you can make yourself clear in the midst of all the voices at the meeting, which can be an emotional setting.  

Anytime a parent is working hard to help her child, emotions can take over, and levelheadedness is crucial to success at these meetings.  Showing emotion is perfectly fine, of course, but you have a clear mission and need to keep a clear head so that the desired end result is always in sight. 

Stay on Track.  Once you are in the meeting, keep your eye on the prize.  Unfortunately, oftentimes, the teachers, counselors and administrators see your goal of getting an IEP or 504 plan as just one more thing to do in their already busy week.  An IEP or 504 Plan creates more work for many people at the school.  If your child is getting by, they might try to talk you out of your plan.  DO NOT LET THEM DO THIS.  You spent a lot of time and energy getting your plan together.  You know what is best for your child’s education.  Stay the course, but do so nicely.  Keep a smile on your face and kindly refute their efforts to dismiss your concerns.  Getting your child a Franklin Speller is not the answer to helping him learn to deal with his dyslexia. (This was actually suggested to me at a recent meeting!)  If you know that your child needs real help to get an equal education, then be assertive.  Remember, you catch more bees with honey, so smile when you assert yourself, but show them you mean what you say and that you have no intention of backing down from your goal.

If you follow these steps, you will get your child what he or she needs.  It might seem like an insurmountable objective, but the system is set up to work for you, you just have to learn how to work your way through it.  

It is definitely a learning process, but hopefully the course will be easier now that you are ready for action.

Good Luck.