Notes From The Been There Done That Mom... No nonsense parenting tips and stories from a Parenting Coach, Navy Wife, Special Needs Mom, Academic Writing Coach and Teacher... Also see www.DeploymentDiatribes.com for our adventures as a military family.
19 April 2010
Life with an Aspie
I recently learned that people with Aspergers Syndrome often refer to themselves as Aspies. While having Aspergers can often make life more challenging, it is, at least, one of the lesser of the disorders on the Autism spectrum. Some even say it is not a disability, but rather something that makes people special in a great way.
I have to agree with this classification. Yes, it can be very hard to be the parent of an Aspie. Knowing your child doesn't really have any close friends, knowing that each day at school can be lonely and a constant battle to keep his emotions in check might be as stressful for the mom as it is for the child. We want our kids to be happy all the time.
But, the good thing about Aspies, many times, is that they are not unhappy in their less-than-social circumstances. For instance, my Aspie son thinks of himself as quite popular at school. He knows that kids think he is a nice guy, so he assumes this makes him popular.
My Aspie is really bright. This works for him in more than one way. First of all, he does very well in school. This is great because it is one less thing for him to worry about. He often gets overwhelmed by the amount of homework he has, but the work itself is usually not a problem for him.
He is also absentminded, though. Every since he was 3 and started to read, I've called him my absentminded professor. I didn't know then that he had Aspergers, but I knew he was crazy smart and more than a little spacey! Zack can get 100% on a history test, but cannot remember to put the ice cream back in the freezer after he scoops some into his bowl.
The other thing that being bright helps my Aspie with is his social skills. While being appropriately social does not come naturally to him, he can learn social skills. When I notice a situation that he doesn't handle quite right, like when he used to walk up to another child and start right into a fact about reptiles, I take the opportunity to model the correct behavior for him. He can then internalize the behavior and act appropriately next time. This process has helped my Aspie son fit in at school and helped make him a happier kid.
My Aspie has learned so much from the modelling that when tested, he can answer the questions in a way that makes it difficult to accurately diagnose him.
I highly recommend that parents of Aspie kids work gently, but hard with their kids to help them be more comfortable in the "real world." I think our son will be more equipped for his future because of all the work he's done to learn the social skills.
I have to agree with this classification. Yes, it can be very hard to be the parent of an Aspie. Knowing your child doesn't really have any close friends, knowing that each day at school can be lonely and a constant battle to keep his emotions in check might be as stressful for the mom as it is for the child. We want our kids to be happy all the time.
But, the good thing about Aspies, many times, is that they are not unhappy in their less-than-social circumstances. For instance, my Aspie son thinks of himself as quite popular at school. He knows that kids think he is a nice guy, so he assumes this makes him popular.
My Aspie is really bright. This works for him in more than one way. First of all, he does very well in school. This is great because it is one less thing for him to worry about. He often gets overwhelmed by the amount of homework he has, but the work itself is usually not a problem for him.
He is also absentminded, though. Every since he was 3 and started to read, I've called him my absentminded professor. I didn't know then that he had Aspergers, but I knew he was crazy smart and more than a little spacey! Zack can get 100% on a history test, but cannot remember to put the ice cream back in the freezer after he scoops some into his bowl.
The other thing that being bright helps my Aspie with is his social skills. While being appropriately social does not come naturally to him, he can learn social skills. When I notice a situation that he doesn't handle quite right, like when he used to walk up to another child and start right into a fact about reptiles, I take the opportunity to model the correct behavior for him. He can then internalize the behavior and act appropriately next time. This process has helped my Aspie son fit in at school and helped make him a happier kid.
My Aspie has learned so much from the modelling that when tested, he can answer the questions in a way that makes it difficult to accurately diagnose him.
I highly recommend that parents of Aspie kids work gently, but hard with their kids to help them be more comfortable in the "real world." I think our son will be more equipped for his future because of all the work he's done to learn the social skills.
22 March 2010
Will they melt?
I am sitting in my warm, dry house, two of my four children are happily eating lunch at the table 15 feet away, and, I admit, watching Dora.
In about 15 minutes, my two older children will be released from school and into the rain; probably pausing to look out from the school entrance at the downpour over the 1/3 mile walk ahead of them.
Throughout the morning, as the rain has gotten heavier and lighter, I've considered whether or not I should drive to the school to pick up the boys. I picture them walking home, umbrellas in hand, one pulling his backpack, soaking it as it rolls along... So, I debate, in my head... pack up the little ones into the car, find a parking spot, walk to the entrance, find the boys and shuffle everyone back to the car, everyone getting a bit wet in the process. Or, let the boys trudge home, getting wet, to varying degrees.
I was feeling guilty as I leaned toward just meeting them at the door, greeting their drippy backpacks and clothes, muddy shoes and glum faces at our door. Then, I thought back to my own elementary school days. What would my mother do?
I don't ever remember being picked up from school unless I had an appointment of some kind. I am sure I got soaked on more than one occasion and I don't even remember it. Did I melt? No. Did I catch a cold? Probably not. Did I have to change my socks? Maybe. Did I dwell on it? I doubt it.
Do we, as parents, bring more guilt onto ourselves than necessary? Probably. I think it is good to have a little guilt wavering around us, to keep us in check, but I also think it is good to know when to push it aside and let the kids walk home in the rain.
As it turns out, it stopped raining just before dismissal, so all the worry was for naught.
In about 15 minutes, my two older children will be released from school and into the rain; probably pausing to look out from the school entrance at the downpour over the 1/3 mile walk ahead of them.
Throughout the morning, as the rain has gotten heavier and lighter, I've considered whether or not I should drive to the school to pick up the boys. I picture them walking home, umbrellas in hand, one pulling his backpack, soaking it as it rolls along... So, I debate, in my head... pack up the little ones into the car, find a parking spot, walk to the entrance, find the boys and shuffle everyone back to the car, everyone getting a bit wet in the process. Or, let the boys trudge home, getting wet, to varying degrees. I was feeling guilty as I leaned toward just meeting them at the door, greeting their drippy backpacks and clothes, muddy shoes and glum faces at our door. Then, I thought back to my own elementary school days. What would my mother do?
I don't ever remember being picked up from school unless I had an appointment of some kind. I am sure I got soaked on more than one occasion and I don't even remember it. Did I melt? No. Did I catch a cold? Probably not. Did I have to change my socks? Maybe. Did I dwell on it? I doubt it.
Do we, as parents, bring more guilt onto ourselves than necessary? Probably. I think it is good to have a little guilt wavering around us, to keep us in check, but I also think it is good to know when to push it aside and let the kids walk home in the rain.
As it turns out, it stopped raining just before dismissal, so all the worry was for naught.
Sinking in...
Failure to thrive? I understand the name but I really think they (whoever "they" are) should come up with a better name for the ailment that is keeping my 2 year old from growing. I find it hard to look at my running, happy, chatterbox of a two year old as failing to thrive, but that is the diagnosis he has and has been undergoing testing for since February.
The doctor became concerned at Harold's 2 year well check, which did not happen until he was 26 months old. Our family definitely does not have great height genes, but our oldest son, Zack, has growth hormone deficiency, so I just assumed that might also be the cause of Harold's issues. As it turns out, though, his weight is the bigger issue.
This fact really surprised and puzzled me. In my eyes, Harold was perfectly proportioned. I love his little limbs and tiny belly but now that the doctors have impressed their concern upon me, I can see that he lacks the normal toddler squeezable chubbiness. He is still squeezable, but the pudge isn't there.
Now that I see it, it feels horrible, as a mother, to have not noticed it before. But I realize that this is like many other problems our kids have. As parents, we don't want to see the problems of our perfect offspring. We don't want to hear that something is wrong and can't even see it until we are ready. Often, outsiders can see the problems before we, as parents, can.
My oldest son had speech delay as a two year old. He had started saying a few words around age 1 but stopped talking and I had him evaluated at 19 months. The first speech therapist who evaluated him at age 2 suggested he might have pervasive developmental disorder (PDD).
I immediately went to the internet and researched and came to the conclusion that my baby did not have PDD. He was fine, he just had speech issues, but I went ahead and met with a counselor and went through the process of filling out all the surveys for the evaluation. This process is severely flawed, though. A parent can see things much differently than the counselor and interpret them differently. What I saw as a great attention span for playing with a toy car, actually was an early sign of autism but I couldn't see it. I filled out the parent questionnaires accordingly and Zack went without a diagnosis for 8 more years. After all, Zack started reading at age 3, could tell time and multiply and divide at age 5, and memorize pages of text in one reading. How could he have learning disabilities?
But, Zack continued to struggle. While he is a charismatic and charming kid with adults, he has trouble identifying with and interacting with his peers. He would sit with his nose in a book and then spew facts about snakes or dinosaurs and though he had the aptitude for the work, homework would often overwhelm him to the point of near panic.
Over time, I came to the realization that it was very likely he had PDD or ASD but didn't want to take him for an evaluation because I did not want him labeled. I finally took Zack for an educational psychology evaluation when he was 10 years old so that I could have a name for what was causing his daily struggles. I knew in my heart that he had some form of autism but having a name from a professional would help us get help for him. After three sessions of several hours of testing, Zack was diagnosed with mild autism/PDD, dyslexia, dysgraphia and anxiety disorder.
When I told certain people about Zack's diagnosis, such as his speech therapist from ages 3 to 5, and a former neighbor who is a special education teacher, they said they suspected it years ago. I realize that an outsider can't make a parent see more clearly by pointing out their suspicions outright, but I think that friends and educators can gently help guide the parent toward seeing what is there. If nothing else, it can ease the transition once the diagnosis is made.
In second grade, a speech therapist at Zack's school suggested that Zack had characteristics of aspergers syndrome. Again, I went straight to the internet and did not see that Zack had aspergers. Yes, I could see similarities in Zack and the symptoms but did not think he really had it. Yet, as time went on, I could see signs pointing toward aspergers or some other type of autism and eventually took the step of getting Zack tested.
Once we got names for things causing him problems, we could get him better help, both at home and at school. I had to get over MY problem of not wanting to see, then not wanting a label, for him to be able to get help.
Now I find myself in the midst of a challenge again. I did not want to put Harold through invasive medical tests when, in my mind, his issue was similar to Zack's growth hormone deficiency, which could be detected by less invasive blood tests. It took an email from the chief of pediatric endocrinology at a major children's hospital, saying Harold's problem was less in his height and that he is "quite underweight" for me to see how very skinny Harold is. What I saw, before, as adorably tiny limbs, I can now see as sadly skinny toddler limbs and am eager to do whatever tests are necessary to find the cause of his "failure to thrive" and make him better. Harold is scheduled for endoscopy and sigmoidoscopy tests and a biopsy on May 14. I hate the thought of him being under anesthesia but I am now eager to find what is causing his problem and get him well.
Overlooking our children's flaws is good but overlooking struggles that we can help them overcome is not. It is a challenge, but as parents we have to see our kids more clearly to help them grow, no matter how we get there or how long it takes.
The doctor became concerned at Harold's 2 year well check, which did not happen until he was 26 months old. Our family definitely does not have great height genes, but our oldest son, Zack, has growth hormone deficiency, so I just assumed that might also be the cause of Harold's issues. As it turns out, though, his weight is the bigger issue.
This fact really surprised and puzzled me. In my eyes, Harold was perfectly proportioned. I love his little limbs and tiny belly but now that the doctors have impressed their concern upon me, I can see that he lacks the normal toddler squeezable chubbiness. He is still squeezable, but the pudge isn't there.
Now that I see it, it feels horrible, as a mother, to have not noticed it before. But I realize that this is like many other problems our kids have. As parents, we don't want to see the problems of our perfect offspring. We don't want to hear that something is wrong and can't even see it until we are ready. Often, outsiders can see the problems before we, as parents, can.
My oldest son had speech delay as a two year old. He had started saying a few words around age 1 but stopped talking and I had him evaluated at 19 months. The first speech therapist who evaluated him at age 2 suggested he might have pervasive developmental disorder (PDD).
I immediately went to the internet and researched and came to the conclusion that my baby did not have PDD. He was fine, he just had speech issues, but I went ahead and met with a counselor and went through the process of filling out all the surveys for the evaluation. This process is severely flawed, though. A parent can see things much differently than the counselor and interpret them differently. What I saw as a great attention span for playing with a toy car, actually was an early sign of autism but I couldn't see it. I filled out the parent questionnaires accordingly and Zack went without a diagnosis for 8 more years. After all, Zack started reading at age 3, could tell time and multiply and divide at age 5, and memorize pages of text in one reading. How could he have learning disabilities?
But, Zack continued to struggle. While he is a charismatic and charming kid with adults, he has trouble identifying with and interacting with his peers. He would sit with his nose in a book and then spew facts about snakes or dinosaurs and though he had the aptitude for the work, homework would often overwhelm him to the point of near panic.
Over time, I came to the realization that it was very likely he had PDD or ASD but didn't want to take him for an evaluation because I did not want him labeled. I finally took Zack for an educational psychology evaluation when he was 10 years old so that I could have a name for what was causing his daily struggles. I knew in my heart that he had some form of autism but having a name from a professional would help us get help for him. After three sessions of several hours of testing, Zack was diagnosed with mild autism/PDD, dyslexia, dysgraphia and anxiety disorder.
When I told certain people about Zack's diagnosis, such as his speech therapist from ages 3 to 5, and a former neighbor who is a special education teacher, they said they suspected it years ago. I realize that an outsider can't make a parent see more clearly by pointing out their suspicions outright, but I think that friends and educators can gently help guide the parent toward seeing what is there. If nothing else, it can ease the transition once the diagnosis is made.
In second grade, a speech therapist at Zack's school suggested that Zack had characteristics of aspergers syndrome. Again, I went straight to the internet and did not see that Zack had aspergers. Yes, I could see similarities in Zack and the symptoms but did not think he really had it. Yet, as time went on, I could see signs pointing toward aspergers or some other type of autism and eventually took the step of getting Zack tested.
Once we got names for things causing him problems, we could get him better help, both at home and at school. I had to get over MY problem of not wanting to see, then not wanting a label, for him to be able to get help.
Now I find myself in the midst of a challenge again. I did not want to put Harold through invasive medical tests when, in my mind, his issue was similar to Zack's growth hormone deficiency, which could be detected by less invasive blood tests. It took an email from the chief of pediatric endocrinology at a major children's hospital, saying Harold's problem was less in his height and that he is "quite underweight" for me to see how very skinny Harold is. What I saw, before, as adorably tiny limbs, I can now see as sadly skinny toddler limbs and am eager to do whatever tests are necessary to find the cause of his "failure to thrive" and make him better. Harold is scheduled for endoscopy and sigmoidoscopy tests and a biopsy on May 14. I hate the thought of him being under anesthesia but I am now eager to find what is causing his problem and get him well.
Overlooking our children's flaws is good but overlooking struggles that we can help them overcome is not. It is a challenge, but as parents we have to see our kids more clearly to help them grow, no matter how we get there or how long it takes.
04 March 2010
what to expect?
Do we expect too little of our kids?
I was just reading a parenting magazine article about manners. The thing that most got my attention was that the article said that it is too much to expect a 5 year old to smile and say thank you for a gift he does not like.
Specifically, the article told of a child who got an elmo toy and said, "I wanted a transformer." The writer of the article said it is appropriate for the child to do that at age 5. She said it is a teachable moment, which, of course it is, but we need to take responsibility for raising our kids right. Sure, making sure they are well mannered adults is the ultimate goal, but not expecting it sooner is a cop out.
You can start teaching a child manners as soon as they are upright and engaging with you. You give the child a toy to play with, you say, "here you go." The child gives it back and you say, "Thank you!" You can even ask for the child to give you the toy, "please may I have it?" It is as simple as that. It really should come naturally to you and will come naturally to your child if you are consistent.
When it is the child's birthday and family and friends are bringing gifts, prepare your child with the proper way to behave. Model the behavior before the party.
"When Aunt Agnes gives you a gift, you say, 'thank you so much for the gift. I am so glad you came to my party."
Remind the child, several times, that even if it is socks, he should say something nice like what you told him to say.
For a young child, tell him or her that her behavior will be appreciated and that if they don't like the gift, most likely you can exchange it but that if she acts happy to have the gift, the giver will be very happy and if she shows the gift giver that she does not like it, the gift giver will be very sad.
It may take some practice and takes good prep work on your part, but will be successful.
The bottom line is it is irresponsible for a parenting magazine to excuse inexcusable, preventable behavior.
If you have high expectations for the behavior of your children, they will meet your expectations, but the opposite is also true.
I was just reading a parenting magazine article about manners. The thing that most got my attention was that the article said that it is too much to expect a 5 year old to smile and say thank you for a gift he does not like.
Specifically, the article told of a child who got an elmo toy and said, "I wanted a transformer." The writer of the article said it is appropriate for the child to do that at age 5. She said it is a teachable moment, which, of course it is, but we need to take responsibility for raising our kids right. Sure, making sure they are well mannered adults is the ultimate goal, but not expecting it sooner is a cop out.
You can start teaching a child manners as soon as they are upright and engaging with you. You give the child a toy to play with, you say, "here you go." The child gives it back and you say, "Thank you!" You can even ask for the child to give you the toy, "please may I have it?" It is as simple as that. It really should come naturally to you and will come naturally to your child if you are consistent.
When it is the child's birthday and family and friends are bringing gifts, prepare your child with the proper way to behave. Model the behavior before the party.
"When Aunt Agnes gives you a gift, you say, 'thank you so much for the gift. I am so glad you came to my party."
Remind the child, several times, that even if it is socks, he should say something nice like what you told him to say.
For a young child, tell him or her that her behavior will be appreciated and that if they don't like the gift, most likely you can exchange it but that if she acts happy to have the gift, the giver will be very happy and if she shows the gift giver that she does not like it, the gift giver will be very sad.
It may take some practice and takes good prep work on your part, but will be successful.
The bottom line is it is irresponsible for a parenting magazine to excuse inexcusable, preventable behavior.
If you have high expectations for the behavior of your children, they will meet your expectations, but the opposite is also true.
24 February 2010
25 January 2010
To wean or not to wean
There is a lesson here, if you have time to read though this...
I have breastfed all four of my boys. I feel passionate that it is the best thing to do for my children, but I also know that it is not always possible for everyone and do not judge others for their choices. That said, I do think a mother owes it to her kids to at least give it a try before making a decision not to do it.
My four experiences have all been different from start to finish. When I was expecting my first son, I was sure I would breastfeed him and did not expect any problems. After he was born, via c-section, he latched on and nursed well during his first day.
Being a new mom, I had no idea what I was doing. I had been told two things... that babies basically set their own schedules and that I should never wake a sleeping baby. These two issues set me up for failure. Zack slept 6 hours and when he awoke, he would not nurse. He screamed and arched his back and refused to latch on. In hind-sight, I assume he was starving and was impatient for the immediate satisfaction that came from a bottle that the nurses quickly gave him, after chastising me for letting him sleep too long. He also turned out to be colicky and extremely sensitive to sensory stimulation, so it could have been anything and that is another issue entirely.
This was not the best start to motherhood. I quickly insisted on leaving the hospital 48 hours after my c-section, hoping that once we were home, I could quietly nurse my baby without the pressure of the nurses. Zack continued to refuse the breast, though. Every time I tried to feed him, we both ended up frustrated and in tears. I persisted, though. I could not give up, so I continued to pump and bottle feed Zack. Each feeding lasted twice as long as it should have because I would pump each time I bottle fed him, even through the night, to keep up with the need. After 3 weeks, I was ready to call it quits. I was exhausted and emotionally drained.
One day, though, we were sitting on the sofa, Zack drifting in and out of a nap in my arms. I decided to see if I could get him to nurse while he was in that drowsy state, not so hungry. Sure enough, he latched on and continued to happily do so for the next 14 months.
When he was 14 months, I decided he was old enough to do without the breastmilk and wanted to have some time before we started trying for number two. The weaning process was a challenge, he was pretty attached to the experience, but I thought it was best for him to move on, so I persisted and after a few weeks, he was weaned.
When Dwight was born, he latched on and nursed very well, despite starting out with two days in the NICU and taking a bottle. I was elated to have such an easy nursing experience and I learned that nipple confusion is a myth. I was ready to nurse as long as he wanted. When he was about 15 months, he weaned himself gradually. I was not quite ready for it to happen, but he did it on his own and I followed his lead.
I always wanted four children, but I assumed that number three would be our last, so before Bob was even born, I was bound and determined to let him nurse until he was at least two. We were moving overseas just after he turned two and I figured that the nursing would be great for transitioning him to the new surroundings (and 12 hour time difference.) When he was born the first thing the nurse said to me when she brought him to me in recovery, after my third c-section, was "he is not going to be able to nurse. He is very tongue tied." I was shocked. However, he did nurse pretty well. I could tell he had to work hard at it, though, so we consulted an ENT and at six weeks of age, Bob had a frenulectomy. (They clipped his frenulum, releasing the "tongue tie.") He immediately nursed more easily and I thought my plan was full speed ahead...
Ah, but he had other plans. When he turned one, he tossed the pacifier out of the crib, on his own, and two weeks later, he refused to nurse. He weaned himself, cold turkey, and I was devastated. I pumped and kept up my supply and continued to try to return him to the breast for 6 weeks, to no avail. He had moved on. I could not believe it.
Finally, while living overseas, we decided that our family needed a fourth child. Harold was born while we were living in Beijing. I could see, immediately, that he was tongue tied just like Bob had been. I informed the OB and pediatrician that we would not leave the hospital until they had fixed the problem. On day two of life, Harold had his frenulectomy and he nursed well.
We knew we would be moving again when he was 18 months so I was hoping to be able to breastfeed him through the move. By this time, though, I had wised up enough to know better than to count on it, but he worked with me and was still going strong when we moved. Two separations did not even sway him. I pumped during the absences and he took a bottle until I returned and he latched on without incident.
Harold turned two in December and showed no sign of weaning. I began to wonder if this was the time to guide him through the weaning process but did not feel great about it. He was so happy and I really hated to take that away from him. I figured, though, that two was old enough and much past that might be too old. So, we went from three feedings per day (wake-up, nap and bedtime) down to zero in about a month. Last Tuesday was his last morning feeding. He even gave it up on his own, much to my relief. I wondered how I would ever give it up since it gave us an extra bit of time resting in the morning, but he woke up on Wednesday and said "Hi Mommy, we go downstairs now." So, that was it! Of course I had mixed feelings but I knew it was a good thing for both of us.
He asked to breastfeed once in a while over the next several days, but it was a quiet, half-hearted, request that he quickly moved on from each time. Today, however, he awoke with a fever and stuffy nose and cough. When he asked to nurse, I decided to let him. The comfort and the nourishment it provides is like none other and withholding it seemed unnecessary. So, here we are, back to the drawing board.
The lesson I am hoping to provide in this very long, stream of consciousness, post is that it is great to have goals and a plan but try to keep them loose. If you have a firm parenting plan, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration. Children come with their own plans and it is up to us to figure them out and work with them. We can learn lessons from our children, but each child is different so we have to be flexible. This lesson is true for most aspects of parenting- sleep schedules, feeding, discipline and more.
When it comes to breastfeeding, I am a big advocate, but I always reassure my clients, friends and anyone who asks... Give it a try. If it is a struggle at first, try hard to get through the first six weeks and most likely it will get considerably easier. If not, evaluate the situation, give it a lot of thought and then make a choice. It is your choice. You have to decide what is the best path for both you and your baby.
So, we will see what tomorrow brings us...
Good luck!
I have breastfed all four of my boys. I feel passionate that it is the best thing to do for my children, but I also know that it is not always possible for everyone and do not judge others for their choices. That said, I do think a mother owes it to her kids to at least give it a try before making a decision not to do it.
My four experiences have all been different from start to finish. When I was expecting my first son, I was sure I would breastfeed him and did not expect any problems. After he was born, via c-section, he latched on and nursed well during his first day.
Being a new mom, I had no idea what I was doing. I had been told two things... that babies basically set their own schedules and that I should never wake a sleeping baby. These two issues set me up for failure. Zack slept 6 hours and when he awoke, he would not nurse. He screamed and arched his back and refused to latch on. In hind-sight, I assume he was starving and was impatient for the immediate satisfaction that came from a bottle that the nurses quickly gave him, after chastising me for letting him sleep too long. He also turned out to be colicky and extremely sensitive to sensory stimulation, so it could have been anything and that is another issue entirely.
This was not the best start to motherhood. I quickly insisted on leaving the hospital 48 hours after my c-section, hoping that once we were home, I could quietly nurse my baby without the pressure of the nurses. Zack continued to refuse the breast, though. Every time I tried to feed him, we both ended up frustrated and in tears. I persisted, though. I could not give up, so I continued to pump and bottle feed Zack. Each feeding lasted twice as long as it should have because I would pump each time I bottle fed him, even through the night, to keep up with the need. After 3 weeks, I was ready to call it quits. I was exhausted and emotionally drained.
One day, though, we were sitting on the sofa, Zack drifting in and out of a nap in my arms. I decided to see if I could get him to nurse while he was in that drowsy state, not so hungry. Sure enough, he latched on and continued to happily do so for the next 14 months.
When he was 14 months, I decided he was old enough to do without the breastmilk and wanted to have some time before we started trying for number two. The weaning process was a challenge, he was pretty attached to the experience, but I thought it was best for him to move on, so I persisted and after a few weeks, he was weaned.
When Dwight was born, he latched on and nursed very well, despite starting out with two days in the NICU and taking a bottle. I was elated to have such an easy nursing experience and I learned that nipple confusion is a myth. I was ready to nurse as long as he wanted. When he was about 15 months, he weaned himself gradually. I was not quite ready for it to happen, but he did it on his own and I followed his lead.
I always wanted four children, but I assumed that number three would be our last, so before Bob was even born, I was bound and determined to let him nurse until he was at least two. We were moving overseas just after he turned two and I figured that the nursing would be great for transitioning him to the new surroundings (and 12 hour time difference.) When he was born the first thing the nurse said to me when she brought him to me in recovery, after my third c-section, was "he is not going to be able to nurse. He is very tongue tied." I was shocked. However, he did nurse pretty well. I could tell he had to work hard at it, though, so we consulted an ENT and at six weeks of age, Bob had a frenulectomy. (They clipped his frenulum, releasing the "tongue tie.") He immediately nursed more easily and I thought my plan was full speed ahead...
Ah, but he had other plans. When he turned one, he tossed the pacifier out of the crib, on his own, and two weeks later, he refused to nurse. He weaned himself, cold turkey, and I was devastated. I pumped and kept up my supply and continued to try to return him to the breast for 6 weeks, to no avail. He had moved on. I could not believe it.
Finally, while living overseas, we decided that our family needed a fourth child. Harold was born while we were living in Beijing. I could see, immediately, that he was tongue tied just like Bob had been. I informed the OB and pediatrician that we would not leave the hospital until they had fixed the problem. On day two of life, Harold had his frenulectomy and he nursed well.
We knew we would be moving again when he was 18 months so I was hoping to be able to breastfeed him through the move. By this time, though, I had wised up enough to know better than to count on it, but he worked with me and was still going strong when we moved. Two separations did not even sway him. I pumped during the absences and he took a bottle until I returned and he latched on without incident.
Harold turned two in December and showed no sign of weaning. I began to wonder if this was the time to guide him through the weaning process but did not feel great about it. He was so happy and I really hated to take that away from him. I figured, though, that two was old enough and much past that might be too old. So, we went from three feedings per day (wake-up, nap and bedtime) down to zero in about a month. Last Tuesday was his last morning feeding. He even gave it up on his own, much to my relief. I wondered how I would ever give it up since it gave us an extra bit of time resting in the morning, but he woke up on Wednesday and said "Hi Mommy, we go downstairs now." So, that was it! Of course I had mixed feelings but I knew it was a good thing for both of us.
He asked to breastfeed once in a while over the next several days, but it was a quiet, half-hearted, request that he quickly moved on from each time. Today, however, he awoke with a fever and stuffy nose and cough. When he asked to nurse, I decided to let him. The comfort and the nourishment it provides is like none other and withholding it seemed unnecessary. So, here we are, back to the drawing board.
The lesson I am hoping to provide in this very long, stream of consciousness, post is that it is great to have goals and a plan but try to keep them loose. If you have a firm parenting plan, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration. Children come with their own plans and it is up to us to figure them out and work with them. We can learn lessons from our children, but each child is different so we have to be flexible. This lesson is true for most aspects of parenting- sleep schedules, feeding, discipline and more.
When it comes to breastfeeding, I am a big advocate, but I always reassure my clients, friends and anyone who asks... Give it a try. If it is a struggle at first, try hard to get through the first six weeks and most likely it will get considerably easier. If not, evaluate the situation, give it a lot of thought and then make a choice. It is your choice. You have to decide what is the best path for both you and your baby.
So, we will see what tomorrow brings us...
Good luck!
19 January 2010
What I am Reading Now
Don't Swear With Your Mouth Full. By Cary S. Chugh, PhD. It is a great book for parents of children who don't respond to traditional discipline methods. Stay tuned for highlights...
07 January 2010
Miscarriage
At least 30% of pregnancies end in miscarriage but many losses are so early that women may just think their period is late and not even know they have lost a pregnancy. Today, though, with the easy availability of home pregnancy tests that can detect a pregnancy even before a missed period, more and more women are aware of the loss.
When I was pregnant with my first son, I was ultra conservative and careful about every aspect of my life. I ate carefully, did not take any medication whatsoever, exercised moderately- not too little and not too much, etc. My baby was born healthy. The next time I was pregnant, I decided that I should relax a little and not be so paranoid. I really did not do anything differently but at 7 weeks, I miscarried. So, I reverted back to my old thinking and was uber-cautious.
I knew that the miscarriage was not caused by anything I did but making sure I followed all the "rules" made me feel like I had more control over the situation. I knew that by eating well, avoiding medications and alcohol, avoiding any chemical known to be harmful- including caffeine, I was doing the best I could for my baby. I conceived the second month after my miscarriage and delivered a healthy baby 9 months later.
As it turns out, for some reason, I lost a baby before each of my four healthy pregnancies. In hindsight, I now know that I had a miscarriage before my first baby as well. Like many other women, I thought I was just late, but I'm never late. My OB told me that, while there is no way to know for sure, it is most likely that I had a miscarriage the month before I conceived my first son, making the total 4 losses. After a moderate level of testing, no cause was found for the miscarriages. My theory is that the babies I lost were girls and for some reason my body cannot carry girl babies. It is only a theory, though, my doctor did not dismiss the idea, nor did she confirm it.
I know there was nothing I could do to prevent the miscarriages. I did everything I could to make sure my body was healthy before I conceived and continued to do so until my babies were born. Each pregnancy was different. Each one brought different complications but in the end, all the boys are healthy.
Having been there and done that, I would advise every woman who wants to get pregnant to prepare her body by living like she is already pregnant when she starts trying to conceive and continue the clean living throughout the pregnancy. Doing this will help you know that, no matter what happens, you have done absolutely everything you can for your baby. If, G-d forbid, you have a miscarriage, you will know that nothing you did caused it.
If you have 2 consecutive losses, ask your doctor to do some simple blood tests. One simple and often overlooked test is: Factor V Leiden Mutation. Progesterone levels could be low. It could have been a random chromosomal abnormality. Your doctor can help you, so don't be shy. Be your own advocate. If you have more than one loss, and you have to have a D&C, ask the doctor to test the material for abnormalities. If you have a feeling about a problem, don't be shy, you know your body and should ask the doctor any and all questions you have.
If you have any questions or concerns, contact me at Erin@EveryBabyBook.com
07 December 2009
Letting it all go
Sometimes, the best way to be a good mom is to be a little laissez faire.
For most moms, the natural instinct is to hover. We want to protect our kids from any accident that might find them as they make their way in the world. I learned early on in my mothering career that while it was my instinct to try to protect Zack from the world, the best thing for him would be to let him "run" free.
As a toddler, this meant letting him explore the playground equipment without me trailing him up and down the slides. As a preschooler, this meant letting him do his own art projects, no matter what the finished product might look like. I saw parents drive themselves crazy with worry following their kids around the playground, up the ladders, around the sandbox, all around the obstacles. The kids learned to fear the challenges that are intended to be fun for them. Seeing their parents' fear led to reluctance to explore and try things.
Like any mother, I hate to do laundry and clean up after everyone, but I have forced myself to let that hang-up go. Letting the kids run and play and get dirty lets them grow up as independent confident kids.
Years ago, I heard a teacher say that if the day ends with the child needing a bath, it must have been a great day. I took that to heart and just take a deep breath as the four boys head outside to the mud.
See the pictures of Dwight, above, as an example. What should I do? Make him stay in? He had a wonderful time and will probably remember these days when he's older. What does a stained coat mean in the scheme of things when a child makes memories like these?
11 November 2009
Are you a helicoptor parent raising a tea cup kid???
think about it... leave a comment...
more later...
more later...
10 November 2009
How do they do it?
Last night, Horatio was tired. He'd had a long day at work and when he came home, it didn't get much better. The boys were a little wired and Zack had a loose tooth, which always creates chaos in his life. Horatio even commented that it's a good thing he is not the stay at home parent because he thought he'd have lost it by dinner time.
So, he went to sleep at 9 and by the time I went upstairs, at 9:20, he was asleep. I heard Dwight coughing so I asked Dwight been coughing a lot or had just started. Horatio said he had not been coughing but it soon became clear that the coughing would not stop any time soon so I took the inhaler and went to give it to Dwight.
In the process of climbing the bunk bed ladder, I shook the nearby dresser a little and a pottery robot that Dwight had painted in 2005 fell, hit a wooden chair and crashed into 100s of pieces. I expected to see Horatio running in to make sure everything was ok, but the hallway remained quiet. I picked up the big pieces of pottery and then went to get the vacuum cleaner and vacuumed up the small bits so no one would step on the shards in the morning. Everyone slept through it, including my darling husband.
What I want to know is, how does he do it? I wake up if one of the kids sneezes. I can practically hear when they stir in their sleep and there lies my husband, sound asleep from the moment his head hits the pillow.
I always remember to check the door and window locks and put the bar behind the sliding door and set the alarm when Horatio travels. Perhaps I ought to be as careful when he is here, now that I know that an intruder could come in and practically take the pillow from under his head without him knowing!
So, he went to sleep at 9 and by the time I went upstairs, at 9:20, he was asleep. I heard Dwight coughing so I asked Dwight been coughing a lot or had just started. Horatio said he had not been coughing but it soon became clear that the coughing would not stop any time soon so I took the inhaler and went to give it to Dwight.
In the process of climbing the bunk bed ladder, I shook the nearby dresser a little and a pottery robot that Dwight had painted in 2005 fell, hit a wooden chair and crashed into 100s of pieces. I expected to see Horatio running in to make sure everything was ok, but the hallway remained quiet. I picked up the big pieces of pottery and then went to get the vacuum cleaner and vacuumed up the small bits so no one would step on the shards in the morning. Everyone slept through it, including my darling husband.
What I want to know is, how does he do it? I wake up if one of the kids sneezes. I can practically hear when they stir in their sleep and there lies my husband, sound asleep from the moment his head hits the pillow.
I always remember to check the door and window locks and put the bar behind the sliding door and set the alarm when Horatio travels. Perhaps I ought to be as careful when he is here, now that I know that an intruder could come in and practically take the pillow from under his head without him knowing!
05 November 2009
Time management?
Sometimes a mom doesn't have time to go to the bathroom. When my "non mom" friends hear this, they shudder and shake their heads in disbelief but, sadly, it is true.
When the washing machine buzzes at 8 in the morning and the wash is soaking wet, indicating the machine is broken, a mother's whole day is thrown off completely. What was once a day filled with leisurely run errands to Target and Trader Joes becomes a scramble to find a repairman, a neighbor's machine to spin the clothes, a plan B for dinner and other ways to occupy an almost 2 year old.
When the repairman comes at 10:30 and stays until it is time to pick up the kindergartner at the bus stop, lunch needs to be made and a toddler must be settled for a nap, a mother knows what she must do...
When leaves are all over the floor from 4 boys and their friends going in and out of the house 45 times per day and they need to be vacuumed up, it must be done...
The laundry must be folded, towels replaced on the bars. Playdates have to be scheduled. The cake you promised the kids has to be baked and iced and when the spatula you used to put the icing on the cake falls on the floor you have to clean it up. By then, it's time for dinner to be made so everything else must stop even if it can be made in the microwave.
The trash and recycling have to be taken to the curb and the compost container is starting to smell, so it has to be emptied and cleaned.
Homework has to be dealt with and diapers have to be changed and baths must be given. Teeth must be brushed (mom's own, too, if there's time), books must be read.
Sometimes, these things all run together and a mom forgets to stop and take a break and sometimes she forgets to eat or take her vitamins or even take a shower. But, in the end of the day, she knows she's done her job and done it well and has the hugs and kisses to prove it.
When the washing machine buzzes at 8 in the morning and the wash is soaking wet, indicating the machine is broken, a mother's whole day is thrown off completely. What was once a day filled with leisurely run errands to Target and Trader Joes becomes a scramble to find a repairman, a neighbor's machine to spin the clothes, a plan B for dinner and other ways to occupy an almost 2 year old.
When the repairman comes at 10:30 and stays until it is time to pick up the kindergartner at the bus stop, lunch needs to be made and a toddler must be settled for a nap, a mother knows what she must do...
When leaves are all over the floor from 4 boys and their friends going in and out of the house 45 times per day and they need to be vacuumed up, it must be done...
The laundry must be folded, towels replaced on the bars. Playdates have to be scheduled. The cake you promised the kids has to be baked and iced and when the spatula you used to put the icing on the cake falls on the floor you have to clean it up. By then, it's time for dinner to be made so everything else must stop even if it can be made in the microwave.
The trash and recycling have to be taken to the curb and the compost container is starting to smell, so it has to be emptied and cleaned.
Homework has to be dealt with and diapers have to be changed and baths must be given. Teeth must be brushed (mom's own, too, if there's time), books must be read.
Sometimes, these things all run together and a mom forgets to stop and take a break and sometimes she forgets to eat or take her vitamins or even take a shower. But, in the end of the day, she knows she's done her job and done it well and has the hugs and kisses to prove it.
02 November 2009
What are they thinking?
Several people have forwarded the stories about the refund offer from Baby Einstein. My first reaction was excitement about the prospect of getting $15.99 for each of the dvds I purchased over the past 5 years, but that thought was fleeting. I quickly reconsidered and here is why...
I, like countless other moms, have purchased and let my children watch these dvds. The kids love them and I, like many others, enjoy the few minutes the little one sits quietly watching so I can get things accomplished around the house.
Depending on my child's mood, I will put in a Baby Einstein video, Blue's Clues, Ni Hao Kai Lan, or something else. Do I like the educational value these programs offer? Yes. Do I think they will make my child smarter? No.
Maybe I should rephrase that statement... No, of course not. It seems ridiculous to me that parents would think that watching a video would make their children smarter. It might help a child learn colors or letters or numbers sooner than if he or she was watching Spongebob, but the child will eventually learn these things. An early reader is not necessarily a smarter child. Does listening to classical music make a baby smarter? Perhaps. The jury is still out on that one. Listening to Mozart might help children (and adults, for that matter) focus on a task, but a rise in IQ is questionable.
Another issue is whether watching tv does harm to our kids. My personal opinion... No.
The most important thing to do with our children is expose them to lots of things and provide them with the opportunities to learn and explore things that interest them. These actions help our kids become eager learners and enthusiastic school children.
I have three school aged children. Each one has learned to read at a different age and by a different method because each is motivated by different things. My oldest son is now 11 years old. He started reading fluently before he turned four. He watched shows like "Between the Lions" and dvds like "So Smart" because he liked them. One of his favorite activities was to play with foam letters and numbers. He learned to read because he loved the game it was to him.
My second son knew all his letters and their sounds when he was 18 months. He learned them from me, he dad, his brother and from videos and loved the fun he had with them. He did not read well until the end of kindergarten and is a great reader now, as a third grader. He has a wide range of interests and isn't afraid to try any of them.
My third son knew all his letters and sounds as a preschooler and started reading simple words before starting kindergarten. He watched plenty of videos and got plenty of input from me and from others. His teachers say he is doing great as a first term kindergartner. He has many interests and I'm sure he'll do just fine in school.
All three boys watched plenty of tv from toddlerhood on up to the present. I think the programs have enriched their development because they offer reinforcement to the other fun ways they learn and grow under our direction. I do not think the programs made them smarter, and I don't think they have stunted the boys' development. Just like any other element in our lives, tv is a tool and a toy and can be a healthy part of our kids' lives.
The Baby Einstein franchise is just one of the many great ones in the many choices out there. Perhaps it was irresponsible of them to claim that their videos are educational but aren't we, as parents, responsible for knowing what is best for our kids? Our kids all have potential, we'll always have to work hard to help them make the most of that potential. Let's not hold an entertainment company responsible when parents shirk the responsibility of raising their kids themselves. Don't expect a video of any kind to do your work for you.
The bottom line is, if you have a kid? Be a parent. Perhaps The Baby Einstein company could lower their prices as a gesture to parents who take the high road and do not take advantage of the offered refund. I leave that up to them. I will not be sending in my dvds and I will continue to let my 22 month old enjoy them as part of his fun path through childhood.
I, like countless other moms, have purchased and let my children watch these dvds. The kids love them and I, like many others, enjoy the few minutes the little one sits quietly watching so I can get things accomplished around the house.
Depending on my child's mood, I will put in a Baby Einstein video, Blue's Clues, Ni Hao Kai Lan, or something else. Do I like the educational value these programs offer? Yes. Do I think they will make my child smarter? No.
Maybe I should rephrase that statement... No, of course not. It seems ridiculous to me that parents would think that watching a video would make their children smarter. It might help a child learn colors or letters or numbers sooner than if he or she was watching Spongebob, but the child will eventually learn these things. An early reader is not necessarily a smarter child. Does listening to classical music make a baby smarter? Perhaps. The jury is still out on that one. Listening to Mozart might help children (and adults, for that matter) focus on a task, but a rise in IQ is questionable.
Another issue is whether watching tv does harm to our kids. My personal opinion... No.
The most important thing to do with our children is expose them to lots of things and provide them with the opportunities to learn and explore things that interest them. These actions help our kids become eager learners and enthusiastic school children.
I have three school aged children. Each one has learned to read at a different age and by a different method because each is motivated by different things. My oldest son is now 11 years old. He started reading fluently before he turned four. He watched shows like "Between the Lions" and dvds like "So Smart" because he liked them. One of his favorite activities was to play with foam letters and numbers. He learned to read because he loved the game it was to him.
My second son knew all his letters and their sounds when he was 18 months. He learned them from me, he dad, his brother and from videos and loved the fun he had with them. He did not read well until the end of kindergarten and is a great reader now, as a third grader. He has a wide range of interests and isn't afraid to try any of them.
My third son knew all his letters and sounds as a preschooler and started reading simple words before starting kindergarten. He watched plenty of videos and got plenty of input from me and from others. His teachers say he is doing great as a first term kindergartner. He has many interests and I'm sure he'll do just fine in school.
All three boys watched plenty of tv from toddlerhood on up to the present. I think the programs have enriched their development because they offer reinforcement to the other fun ways they learn and grow under our direction. I do not think the programs made them smarter, and I don't think they have stunted the boys' development. Just like any other element in our lives, tv is a tool and a toy and can be a healthy part of our kids' lives.
The Baby Einstein franchise is just one of the many great ones in the many choices out there. Perhaps it was irresponsible of them to claim that their videos are educational but aren't we, as parents, responsible for knowing what is best for our kids? Our kids all have potential, we'll always have to work hard to help them make the most of that potential. Let's not hold an entertainment company responsible when parents shirk the responsibility of raising their kids themselves. Don't expect a video of any kind to do your work for you.
The bottom line is, if you have a kid? Be a parent. Perhaps The Baby Einstein company could lower their prices as a gesture to parents who take the high road and do not take advantage of the offered refund. I leave that up to them. I will not be sending in my dvds and I will continue to let my 22 month old enjoy them as part of his fun path through childhood.
06 October 2009
Sleep Begets Sleep
I guardedly say that we are headed in the right direction. I decided to get serious with the sleep begets sleep idea. I put Harold to bed 45 minutes earlier than usual and... miracle of miracles... he slept about thirty 30 minutes later in the morning. I did the same thing last night and it happened again. So, we'll see if it stays this way. Of course, 5:00 is still too early but at least it's later.
02 October 2009
Hurray
This morning, Harold called for me at 4:09. The first thought in my mind was "are you kidding me?" So, I went in to his room and without saying a word, I checked to see if his diaper had leaked. It hadn't. I laid him back down in the bed and walked out. He screamed and cried. Five minutes later I went back in and, from the door, told him it was still night time, the moon was still up, and to go back to sleep. He cried for another 2 minutes or so and then stopped and was quiet until 5:30. Yes, this is still early but MUCH more acceptable.
01 October 2009
on the bright side
Harold is still waking at 4:30. My latest tactic is to drop the morning nursing session. He usually nurses as soon as he wakes up, so I'm hoping that if he does not have that to wake up to, he might just stay in his cozy bed.
I've tried a later bedtime, earlier bedtime, shorter nap, longer nap, and all combinations of these. I thought it would be a short phase but we are going on more than a month now, so I am ready for a longer night's sleep.
On the bright side, I can get a lot accomplished when my day starts at 4:30. This is particularly key since we are buried in boxes from our shipment of our household goods. I dream that one day before 2010 our house will be free of boxes and clutter.
I've tried a later bedtime, earlier bedtime, shorter nap, longer nap, and all combinations of these. I thought it would be a short phase but we are going on more than a month now, so I am ready for a longer night's sleep.
On the bright side, I can get a lot accomplished when my day starts at 4:30. This is particularly key since we are buried in boxes from our shipment of our household goods. I dream that one day before 2010 our house will be free of boxes and clutter.
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