Shaping our kids

Who is socializing kids these days?  If parents don't take care of their own kids, who will?  Do some parents think that the world will take care of their kids?  Do they think that their kids will somehow, magically develop into good citizens without an ounce of guidance?  Is it the responsibility of our schools to shape our kids?

NO

When did this happen?  When did parents forget that they are responsible for their kids?  Who turned over the shaping of our future to strangers?

The reason I am on this rant stems from an event I attended with my children this weekend.  It was a family event for a class my kids are taking.  The organizers had put together a great program of crafts and snacks and about 25 children moved from table to table, enjoying the activities.

At one of the tables, the kids could make candied apples using honey, frosting, sprinkles, chocolate chips and more.  As you can imagine, this was a popular table.

I watched with horror as a 10 year old girl took a spoon to stab a hole in the plastic seal on a container of sprinkles.  She did not have the patience to pause to ask an adult for help.  She jabbed at the seal 4 times before the plastic gave way and sprinkles burst out all over the table.  She then took the spoon, poured sprinkles over her apple and into her mouth, spilling more over the table and onto the floor.  She then looked up and laughed, "I'd hate to be the one to have to clean that up!"

Her mother watched as it all transpired.  In response to her daughter's comment, she giggled back, "maybe YOU should."  But, it was clear she did not mean it.  She just turned and continued her conversation.

WHAT???

How can a mother let this happen and even condone the behavior?

In what universe is this behavior ok?  Am I the only one disturbed by this kind of conduct?

I really had to restrain myself.  I wanted to walk over to the 10 year old.  Look her in the eye and tell her to put the apple down, clean up the mess and leave the room.

Why did her mother not do this?  When did parents stop parenting?  Do they want to be their kids' friends?  Are they afraid that their kids won't like them if they set rules and insist their kids think of people other than themselves?

Yes, it's hard to be the bad guy sometimes and it's hard to listen to our kids cry because they want things, but we are parents.  We have to teach our kids right from wrong.  We have to teach our kids to be patient and to work for things they want.  It is our responsibility to shape our kids and when they turn out to be whiny, rude, messy and without motivation, the mirror is the only place to look for whom to blame.

what to expect?

Do we expect too little of our kids? 

I was just reading a parenting magazine article about manners.  The thing that most got my attention was that the article said that it is too much to expect a 5 year old to smile and say thank you for a gift he does not like.
 
Specifically, the article told of a child who got an elmo toy and said, "I wanted a transformer."  The writer of the article said it is appropriate for the child to do that at age 5.  She said it is a teachable moment, which, of course it is, but we need to take responsibility for raising our kids right.  Sure, making sure they are well mannered adults is the ultimate goal, but not expecting it sooner is a cop out. 

You can start teaching a child manners as soon as they are upright and engaging with you.  You give the child a toy to play with, you say, "here you go."  The child gives it back and you say, "Thank you!"  You can even ask for the child to give you the toy, "please may I have it?"   It is as simple as that.  It really should come naturally to you and will come naturally to your child if you are consistent. 

When it is the child's birthday and family and friends are bringing gifts, prepare your child with the proper way to behave.  Model the behavior before the party.

"When Aunt Agnes gives you a gift, you say, 'thank you so much for the gift.  I am so glad you came to my party."

Remind the child, several times, that even if it is socks, he should say something nice like what you told him to say. 

For a young child, tell him or her that her behavior will be appreciated and that if they don't like the gift, most likely you can exchange it but that if she acts happy to have the gift, the giver will be very happy and if she shows the gift giver that she does not like it, the gift giver will be very sad.

It may take some practice and takes good prep work on your part, but will be successful.

The bottom line is it is irresponsible for a parenting magazine to excuse inexcusable, preventable behavior.

If you have high expectations for the behavior of your children, they will meet your expectations, but the opposite is also true.