Bullying hits the homefront

My middle schooler son’s proclamation, on a Friday afternoon, many months ago, caught me off guard but did not completely surprise me. 

Zack came home from school and told me that another eighth grade boy slammed his locker shut as soon as he opened it and then another boy tried to trip him as he got off the bus. It really did feel like my boy had been attacked by two armies.

RED FLAG, RED FLAG! 

I was immediately on high alert.

"They" say that marijuana and alcohol are gateway drugs, I say that locker slamming and tripping are gateway actions to bigger bullying.





We deal with a lot on the homefront: absence of a father on deployment overseas and a child with Asperger’s Syndrome for instance, but I have felt lucky to have dodged the bullying bullet thus far. 
I've read the articles and the blog posts, watched the tv stories and thought, "thank G-d, at least we don't have to deal with that." 

So, that Friday felt like D Day to me.  The bomb had hit our home and I was not going to crawl into a bunker (my bed) and ignore it.

I have a lot of practice taking strategic action because I am a military wife and am used to fighting my way through rough terrain.

Thankfully, we have great counselors and support at our local schools.  I immediately emailed the counselor and alerted her to what happened and asked what we should do.  She told me to come to school the next school day so we could talk in person. 

So, I met with her and the school Resource Security Officer.  They both assured me, leaving no doubt in my mind, that they take bullying very seriously and presented the three options of the next step for us to take:

•  1  Do nothing and see what happens (they discouraged this approach, of course.)

• 2  The counselor has a chat with the offenders, telling them that the teachers in the area observed the bullying (so that my boy does not come across as a tattle tale), stress the gravity of the actions and that if it ever happens again, even once, specific actions will be taken and consequences will be given.  Charges of assault and court action can result.

•  3  Immediately resort to the legal process by having the children meet with the school Resource Security Officer and other administrators and proceed from there.

I opted for number 2.  The counselor, officer and I agreed that we wanted to give the kids the chance to do the right thing.

So, we set plan in action.  After I left the school, the counselor pulled the locker bully out of class.  She told him what had been seen "by teachers near the lockers" and what the consequences would be if it happened again, even once.  She also talked with my son so that he would know that the adults at the school are on his side.  For an Asperger’s kid especially, this is probably one of the most important parts of the “story.”  My Aspie needs to know that the adults in the situation are on his side and will be there for him, knowing adults are approachable and receptive helps him feel safe in school.  

The counselor and my son teamed up to try to figure out the name of the "tripper" on the bus, and then she took the same steps with the bus bully.


The Next Day…

Zack returned home from school with shoulders slumped.  I asked him what happened and listened to him tell me that the locker kid held his locker shut while my boy tried to open it at the end of the day and that the bus boy had tried to trip him again.  To make matters worse, locker boy rides my boy’s bus and continually blocks his way from sitting at the back of the bus.

I called the school counselor who took the next step with the bullies.  I was not told what the step was but was assured the proper consequences were given.


Day 3

No bullying.


Fast forward, months later.

A few weeks ago, my son came home from school to tell me of a funny interaction with a child in his class.  He and the boy are working together and having fun doing it.  I asked my son to repeat the name of the boy he was talking about.  I asked him, isn’t that the boy who was bullying you?  His response was the best.  Better than I could have ever imagined: “Yes, Mom, but that was months ago.  We are over it and are friends now.”

Another Day in Autism Land

The laws in Autism Land are different from the laws in Neurotypical Land and anyone with a kid who earned the family the right to live in A.L. can tell you this is true.  Sometimes the A.L. laws contradict the N.T. laws but in the end of the day, no matter how the N.T. world feels about it, the A.L. laws take precedent.

Sometimes you just have to cancel a dentist appointment. 

Is it considered illness, a legitimate reason for cancellation, when the reason, summed up, is Autism?

I've had dentist appointments for all four boys on the calendar for 6 months.  The office assistant called on Tuesday to confirm said appointments.  All was well, so I said we'd see her there, 9:00 Thursday morning.

Well, then Autism roared it's kooky head.

Zack has a week full of long term assignments (some past due), meetings for high school preparation, and tests.  He entered the house last night in a fog of frustration.  On top of it all, the school bus keeps getting more crowded and he never gets a seat to himself.  This probably sounds silly to anyone not affected by the sensory storm of Autism, but in our world, sitting smooshed against someone, other than family or a close friend, on a small bus seat, would be like having your seat-mate lick your cheek.  Really.  It's hard to understand, but kids with sensory integration disorder can feel "creepy crawly," crowded and confused, when strangers get too close.  At the end of a chaotic middle school day, Zack just wants his space and there's nothing I can do about it except understand how it ends his day with a boot kick to the brain. 

So, as we meandered carefully through the maze of homework, dinner and de-stressing, I mentioned that he could sleep in the next morning because he and his brothers had a dentist appointment.  You'd have thought I told him he had four more science projects and he'd have to sit with not one, but two, kids on the bus. 

It was an utter meltdown. 

Sometimes you just have to cancel a dentist appointment. 

It's a judgement call.  I hope the dentist office assistant understands, but it's the right call.  Taking Zack to the dentist today would have been bad for everyone.  Taking an already wound up sensory confused, frustrated kid with autism, to a place where they strap a paper bib to his chest, touch his face and stick their fingers in his mouth, would not have ended well for anyone. 

I'm the mom.  I have to try to make my boy's world as inviting as possible.  I try to help him avoid hostile environments of all kinds and to him, today, the dentist office would have been a battlefield, so I sent him off to school. 

Who'd have ever thought that middle school would be the lesser of two evils???

Aspie quote of the day

12 year old Aspie to 3 year old younger brother:

"Hey buddy, want to see me defy friction?"

Then he slides across the floor in his socks.

Life with an Aspie

I recently learned that people with Aspergers Syndrome often refer to themselves as Aspies.  While having Aspergers can often make life more challenging, it is, at least, one of the lesser of the disorders on the Autism spectrum.  Some even say it is not a disability, but rather something that makes people special in a great way.

I have to agree with this classification.  Yes, it can be very hard to be the parent of an Aspie.  Knowing your child doesn't really have any close friends, knowing that each day at school can be lonely and a constant battle to keep his emotions in check might be as stressful for the mom as it is for the child.  We want our kids to be happy all the time.

But, the good thing about Aspies, many times, is that they are not unhappy in their less-than-social circumstances.  For instance, my Aspie son thinks of himself as quite popular at school.  He knows that kids think he is a nice guy, so he assumes this makes him popular.

My Aspie is really bright.  This works for him in more than one way.  First of all, he does very well in school.  This is great because it is one less thing for him to worry about.  He often gets overwhelmed by the amount of homework he has, but the work itself is usually not a problem for him.

He is also absentminded, though.  Every since he was 3 and started to read, I've called him my absentminded professor.  I didn't know then that he had Aspergers, but I knew he was crazy smart and more than a little spacey! Zack can get 100% on a history test, but cannot remember to put the ice cream back in the freezer after he scoops some into his bowl.

The other thing that being bright helps my Aspie with is his social skills.  While being appropriately social does not come naturally to him, he can learn social skills.  When I notice a situation that he doesn't handle quite right, like when he used to walk up to another child and start right into a fact about reptiles, I take the opportunity to model the correct behavior for him.  He can then internalize the behavior and act appropriately next time.  This process has helped my Aspie son fit in at school and helped make him a happier kid.

My Aspie has learned so much from the modelling that when tested, he can answer the questions in a way that makes it difficult to accurately diagnose him.


I highly recommend that parents of Aspie kids work gently, but hard with their kids to help them be more comfortable in the "real world."  I think our son will be more equipped for his future because of all the work he's done to learn the social skills.

Sinking in...

Failure to thrive?  I understand the name but I really think they (whoever "they" are) should come up with a better name for the ailment that is keeping my 2 year old from growing.  I find it hard to look at my running, happy, chatterbox of a two year old as failing to thrive, but that is the diagnosis he has and has been undergoing testing for since February.

The doctor became concerned at Harold's 2 year well check, which did not happen until he was 26 months old.  Our family definitely does not have great height genes, but our oldest son, Zack, has growth hormone deficiency, so I just assumed that might also be the cause of Harold's issues.  As it turns out, though, his weight is the bigger issue.

This fact really surprised and puzzled me.  In my eyes, Harold was perfectly proportioned.  I love his little limbs and tiny belly but now that the doctors have impressed their concern upon me, I can see that he lacks the normal toddler squeezable chubbiness.  He is still squeezable, but the pudge isn't there.

Now that I see it, it feels horrible, as a mother, to have not noticed it before.  But I realize that this is like many other problems our kids have.  As parents, we don't want to see the problems of our perfect offspring.  We don't want to hear that something is wrong and can't even see it until we are ready.  Often, outsiders can see the problems before we, as parents, can.

My oldest son had speech delay as a two year old.  He had started saying a few words around age 1 but stopped talking and I had him evaluated at 19 months.  The first speech therapist who evaluated him at age 2 suggested he might have pervasive developmental disorder (PDD).

I immediately went to the internet and researched and came to the conclusion that my baby did not have PDD.  He was fine, he just had speech issues, but I went ahead and met with a counselor and went through the process of filling out all the surveys for the evaluation.  This process is severely flawed, though.  A parent can see things much differently than the counselor and interpret them differently.  What I saw as a great attention span for playing with a toy car, actually was an early sign of autism but I couldn't see it.   I filled out the parent questionnaires accordingly and Zack went without a diagnosis for 8 more years.  After all, Zack started reading at age 3, could tell time and multiply and divide at age 5, and memorize pages of text in one reading.  How could he have learning disabilities?

But, Zack continued to struggle.  While he is a charismatic and charming kid with adults, he has trouble identifying with and interacting with his peers.  He would sit with his nose in a book and then spew facts about snakes or dinosaurs and though he had the aptitude for the work, homework would often overwhelm him to the point of near panic.

Over time, I came to the realization that it was very likely he had PDD or ASD but didn't want to take him for an evaluation because I did not want him labeled.  I finally took Zack for an educational psychology evaluation when he was 10 years old so that I could have a name for what was causing his daily struggles.  I knew in my heart that he had some form of autism but having a name from a professional would help us get help for him.  After three sessions of several hours of testing, Zack was diagnosed with mild autism/PDD, dyslexia, dysgraphia and anxiety disorder.

When I told certain people about Zack's diagnosis, such as his speech therapist from ages 3 to 5, and a former neighbor who is a special education teacher, they said they suspected it years ago.  I realize that an outsider can't make a parent see more clearly by pointing out their suspicions outright, but I think that friends and educators can gently help guide the parent toward seeing what is there.  If nothing else, it can ease the transition once the diagnosis is made.

In second grade, a speech therapist at Zack's school suggested that Zack had characteristics of aspergers syndrome.  Again, I went straight to the internet and did not see that Zack had aspergers.  Yes, I could see similarities in Zack and the symptoms but did not think he really had it.  Yet, as time went on, I could see signs pointing toward aspergers or some other type of autism and eventually took the step of getting Zack tested.

Once we got names for things causing him problems, we could get him better help, both at home and at school.  I had to get over MY problem of not wanting to see, then not wanting a label, for him to be able to get help.

Now I find myself in the midst of a challenge again.  I did not want to put Harold through invasive medical tests when, in my mind, his issue was similar to Zack's growth hormone deficiency, which could be detected by less invasive blood tests.  It took an email from the chief of pediatric endocrinology at a major children's hospital, saying Harold's problem was less in his height and that he is "quite underweight" for me to see how very skinny Harold is.  What I saw, before, as adorably tiny limbs, I can now see as sadly skinny toddler limbs and am eager to do whatever tests are necessary to find the cause of his "failure to thrive" and make him better.  Harold is scheduled for endoscopy and sigmoidoscopy tests and a biopsy on May 14.  I hate the thought of him being under anesthesia but I am now eager to find what is causing his problem and get him well.

Overlooking our children's flaws is good but overlooking struggles that we can help them overcome is not.  It is a challenge, but as parents we have to see our kids more clearly to help them grow, no matter how we get there or how long it takes.