I took Dwight to the doctor and as I suspected, both ears are severely blocked by fluid. The doctor put him on antibiotics, zyrtec (continued), singulair and gave him nasonex to use if it did not start to get better.
He is still not hearing well at all, so we will start the nasonex today. I had his teacher move his seat so that he can be near to where she stands. He told me that when they had their initial spell check at the start of the week, one of the spelling words was "eagle" and he thought she said "evil." Who knows how much information he has missed.
I hope it gets better soon.
Notes From The Been There Done That Mom... No nonsense parenting tips and stories from a Parenting Coach, Navy Wife, Special Needs Mom, Academic Writing Coach and Teacher... Also see www.DeploymentDiatribes.com for our adventures as a military family.
19 February 2011
12 February 2011
What to do...
My 10 year old can't hear. At least I think he can't. A few weeks ago he told me his ears were stuffy. They didn't hurt, except maybe a little now and then, but for the most part, it was just annoying him. I gave him zyrtec and sudafed and after a few days, it got better.
Lately, though, he is not hearing well. He noticed it and told me about it, but he says it's fine now. I can't ignore the fact, though, that when I talk to him he does not hear me the first time. Could it be selective hearing? Maybe, but I don't think so. He isn't that sort of kid. He doesn't space out or tune me out.
He says he's fine. He does not want to go to the doctor. This is a kid who had four sets of tympanostomy tubes and had his adenoids removed. He is afraid of having to have more surgery. I've told him that is highly unlikely, given his age, but he still doesn't want to go to the doctor. He insists he is fine. I am pretty sure he is not fine, though.
He's a worrier, that's for sure. So, I haven't told him yet, but he will be going to the doctor on Monday afternoon. I've been giving him Zyrtec and Sudafed for a week and he still doesn't hear me or mis-hears me. For instance, the 3 older boys are watching a movie right now and I said, from about 10 feet away, "Is this a good movie, guys?" And Dwight answered, "I'm fine, Mom." Hmmm.
We'll see what the doctor says. I think he got so used to ear pain from having so many infections, he doesn't even realize when he has one now.
Lately, though, he is not hearing well. He noticed it and told me about it, but he says it's fine now. I can't ignore the fact, though, that when I talk to him he does not hear me the first time. Could it be selective hearing? Maybe, but I don't think so. He isn't that sort of kid. He doesn't space out or tune me out.
He says he's fine. He does not want to go to the doctor. This is a kid who had four sets of tympanostomy tubes and had his adenoids removed. He is afraid of having to have more surgery. I've told him that is highly unlikely, given his age, but he still doesn't want to go to the doctor. He insists he is fine. I am pretty sure he is not fine, though.
He's a worrier, that's for sure. So, I haven't told him yet, but he will be going to the doctor on Monday afternoon. I've been giving him Zyrtec and Sudafed for a week and he still doesn't hear me or mis-hears me. For instance, the 3 older boys are watching a movie right now and I said, from about 10 feet away, "Is this a good movie, guys?" And Dwight answered, "I'm fine, Mom." Hmmm.
We'll see what the doctor says. I think he got so used to ear pain from having so many infections, he doesn't even realize when he has one now.
09 February 2011
Private Parts- keeping the lines of communication open
Sometimes my husband's absence is more glaring than others. Last night was one of those nights. I walked into my bedroom, having settled the three year old in his bed. I found the three older boys sitting on my bed, talking about Pokemon.
I walked over to the bed and the conversation took a turn... to the uncomfortable side...
6 1/2 year old- "Mom why do private parts sometimes stick out... like mine is now?"
12 1/2 year old- "Oh, that's called an erection."
10 year old- "Isn't it an irection?"
12 1/2 year old- "No, it's erection, or sometimes people call it a boner."
6 1/2 year old- "a boner?"
10 year old- "Yep."
12 1/2 year old- "Cause it's like there's a bone in it."
10 year old- "What if it snaps?"
39 year old mom- "You have to make sure that doesn't happen."
10 year old- "But what if it does?"
39 year old mom- "Sweetheart, you just have to make sure it doesn't because that is a very serious injury... OK, everyone into bed now. It's reading time."
6 1/2 year old- "Mom, when will it go away, it's very uncomfortable."
39 year old mom- "Soon, sweet pea, soon. Let's brush your teeth and you'll probably forget all about it."
And thank heaven for small favors, he did.
It's times like these that the temporary long-term absence of my husband is more obvious. Of course, when I sent him an email to tell him to get himself home so HE could deal with this conversation, rather than I, he said, "that's ok, you go ahead."
I've been the facts of life teacher in the family ever since the first question surfaced 3+ years ago. I don't shy away from it because I'd rather they get the information from me than from classmates. After last night's conversation, though, I am reminded that they get information from their peers no matter what. It just makes it more clear that my input is very important and I have to ensure they get the facts at home before they get them at school.
I bought a book back when the questions first came up. It is called, It's So Amazing. It is a great resource for kids to get questions answered about everything from the basics of reproduction to HIV, sexual abuses and more. I highly recommend it. The creators of It's So Amazing also wrote the book It's Perfectly Normal for pre-adolescent kids. That will be my next purchase.
It would be easy to cower from these topics while my husband is deployed, but the truth is, the more open I am and the more information they get from me, the more comfortable they will be talking about these important issues with me.
Clearly, when they are throwing the B word around with me in the room, it is a sign they feel at ease talking with me. It's important now, but it's even more important when they are teenagers. I'm happy the lines of communication are open.
It's not always easy to talk about the birds and the bees with our kids, but parenting isn't easy, you just have to buck up and do it!
I walked over to the bed and the conversation took a turn... to the uncomfortable side...
6 1/2 year old- "Mom why do private parts sometimes stick out... like mine is now?"
12 1/2 year old- "Oh, that's called an erection."
10 year old- "Isn't it an irection?"
12 1/2 year old- "No, it's erection, or sometimes people call it a boner."
6 1/2 year old- "a boner?"
10 year old- "Yep."
12 1/2 year old- "Cause it's like there's a bone in it."
10 year old- "What if it snaps?"
39 year old mom- "You have to make sure that doesn't happen."
10 year old- "But what if it does?"
39 year old mom- "Sweetheart, you just have to make sure it doesn't because that is a very serious injury... OK, everyone into bed now. It's reading time."
6 1/2 year old- "Mom, when will it go away, it's very uncomfortable."
39 year old mom- "Soon, sweet pea, soon. Let's brush your teeth and you'll probably forget all about it."
And thank heaven for small favors, he did.
It's times like these that the temporary long-term absence of my husband is more obvious. Of course, when I sent him an email to tell him to get himself home so HE could deal with this conversation, rather than I, he said, "that's ok, you go ahead."
I've been the facts of life teacher in the family ever since the first question surfaced 3+ years ago. I don't shy away from it because I'd rather they get the information from me than from classmates. After last night's conversation, though, I am reminded that they get information from their peers no matter what. It just makes it more clear that my input is very important and I have to ensure they get the facts at home before they get them at school.
I bought a book back when the questions first came up. It is called, It's So Amazing. It is a great resource for kids to get questions answered about everything from the basics of reproduction to HIV, sexual abuses and more. I highly recommend it. The creators of It's So Amazing also wrote the book It's Perfectly Normal for pre-adolescent kids. That will be my next purchase.
It would be easy to cower from these topics while my husband is deployed, but the truth is, the more open I am and the more information they get from me, the more comfortable they will be talking about these important issues with me.
Clearly, when they are throwing the B word around with me in the room, it is a sign they feel at ease talking with me. It's important now, but it's even more important when they are teenagers. I'm happy the lines of communication are open.
It's not always easy to talk about the birds and the bees with our kids, but parenting isn't easy, you just have to buck up and do it!
18 January 2011
Parenting is Hard
Parenting is hard. If it seems easy to you, no offense, but there’s a good chance you aren’t doing it right.
We are not supposed to be our kids’ friends. We are their parents. Sometimes, more often than not, that means telling them things they don’t want to hear. Good parents lay down the law at home. Kids need rules and structure.
No one can prepare us for the difficulty of the job, or for the rewards of it.
One of the best ways to restore order and happiness in your home is to have a list of house rules. Write the list on a white board or poster board. Having the rules spelled out in black and white will make it easier to stick to them, both for you, the parent and for your child.
My boys are enthusiastic about our new family success game. My sister sent us Dr. Susan Lipkins’ Be a Star! Be A Star and we have implemented the system. The chart allows the parent to give points for good behavior or take away points for negative behavior. You can move the star up to give points or down to deduct points. At the top is a “happy” star and the child gets a reward when he reaches the top. At the bottom is a “sad” star and the child gets a punishment if he reaches the sad star.
I think the “Be A Star” concept is a good place to start for a family in need of some structure. The Be a Star method, coupled with concrete rules, will help you restore order to your home.
In regard to the rules, engage the children in writing them down. When kids have input in the drafting of the rules, they have ownership in them and will be more apt to follow them.
Written rules can really help parents who are wishy washy, and by that, I mean weak. You know who you are… You tell your child to stop (fill in the blank- making a mess, messing around, whatever) but they don’t stop. You say it again and again and then finally give up. It’s too much work to get him to stop, so you leave the room or throw up your arms in defeat. Not only does this not change the immediate behavior, it reinforces the idea that you are not the boss in the house and that the child can do what he wants. With a rules chart, you can point to the list, tell the child to stop, and if he does not stop, state the consequence- end of story. After a few of these episodes, it is highly likely that your child will start to follow the rules, without being told.
In my opinion, the most important concrete rule that belongs near the top of the list is “no violence.” In our home, we have a no tolerance policy for violence. If any of the boys hits, kicks, bites (toddlers bite, let’s face it), pushes- you get the picture; there are immediate consequences. The boys know this and they rarely use aggression with each other. They don’t like the penalties, but they do know they are inevitable and when I intervene and dole out the punishment, they accept it without argument. Consequences vary, from time-outs to loss of privileges, depending on the severity of the violence and the age of the child.
If you use the Be a Star chart, you would move the star straight to the bottom.
What ideas do you have for rules? Rewards? Punishments?
Leave a comment here and let me know.
We are not supposed to be our kids’ friends. We are their parents. Sometimes, more often than not, that means telling them things they don’t want to hear. Good parents lay down the law at home. Kids need rules and structure.
No one can prepare us for the difficulty of the job, or for the rewards of it.
One of the best ways to restore order and happiness in your home is to have a list of house rules. Write the list on a white board or poster board. Having the rules spelled out in black and white will make it easier to stick to them, both for you, the parent and for your child.
My boys are enthusiastic about our new family success game. My sister sent us Dr. Susan Lipkins’ Be a Star! Be A Star and we have implemented the system. The chart allows the parent to give points for good behavior or take away points for negative behavior. You can move the star up to give points or down to deduct points. At the top is a “happy” star and the child gets a reward when he reaches the top. At the bottom is a “sad” star and the child gets a punishment if he reaches the sad star.
I think the “Be A Star” concept is a good place to start for a family in need of some structure. The Be a Star method, coupled with concrete rules, will help you restore order to your home.
In regard to the rules, engage the children in writing them down. When kids have input in the drafting of the rules, they have ownership in them and will be more apt to follow them.
Written rules can really help parents who are wishy washy, and by that, I mean weak. You know who you are… You tell your child to stop (fill in the blank- making a mess, messing around, whatever) but they don’t stop. You say it again and again and then finally give up. It’s too much work to get him to stop, so you leave the room or throw up your arms in defeat. Not only does this not change the immediate behavior, it reinforces the idea that you are not the boss in the house and that the child can do what he wants. With a rules chart, you can point to the list, tell the child to stop, and if he does not stop, state the consequence- end of story. After a few of these episodes, it is highly likely that your child will start to follow the rules, without being told.
In my opinion, the most important concrete rule that belongs near the top of the list is “no violence.” In our home, we have a no tolerance policy for violence. If any of the boys hits, kicks, bites (toddlers bite, let’s face it), pushes- you get the picture; there are immediate consequences. The boys know this and they rarely use aggression with each other. They don’t like the penalties, but they do know they are inevitable and when I intervene and dole out the punishment, they accept it without argument. Consequences vary, from time-outs to loss of privileges, depending on the severity of the violence and the age of the child.
If you use the Be a Star chart, you would move the star straight to the bottom.
What ideas do you have for rules? Rewards? Punishments?
Leave a comment here and let me know.
10 December 2010
Aspie quote of the day
12 year old Aspie to 3 year old younger brother:
"Hey buddy, want to see me defy friction?"
Then he slides across the floor in his socks.
"Hey buddy, want to see me defy friction?"
Then he slides across the floor in his socks.
Is TV Bad for your baby's brain
According to a just released study, exposing your baby to just 60 minutes of TV per day can cause cognitive delays. This latest study adds more fuel to a recommendation from the American Academy of Pediatrics that babies under age 2 watch no TV at all.
In my opinion, based on my experience, though, as a parent of four, this is not the whole story. Yes, if you put your baby in front of the TV for much of the day, or even just a short time, and then don't spend any time engaging him in interactive play or talking to him, you are likely to see significant delays.
However, if you let your baby watch a little TV when you need a few minutes to shower, tidy up, or just have a cup of coffee, but you spend the majority of the day playing with him and talking to him and reading books to him, I think it is unlikely that you will see any problems.
As I've said before, I'm not a doctor, so my opinion has little merit, but I have a lot of experience with this topic, so I do feel I can speak to it with some authority. As a Navy wife and mom of four sons, including one with high functioning autism, I have used TV as a babysitter more than I'd care to admit. But, I do engage my kids- constantly. Like I said, I'm a Navy wife, my husband is away a lot, I've got to talk to someone! I am kidding, of course, but the point is, that while I permit my children to watch television regularly, I really do spend a lot of time in positive interactions with them.
Though they all have watched quite a bit of TV, they've all read before their fifth birthdays. One read at age 3 and one at age 4. They have excellent math skills and have been able to make simple computations from very early ages. Yes, my eldest son, who has autism, had speech delays, but cognitively, he has tested as gifted from the age of three.
The point of this post is not to say how great my kids are (though they are, of course) but to put your minds at ease. In my opinion it is OK for little ones to have TV exposure, but you must couple the TV watching with positive interactions with your child.
Run a constant dialog with him. If you are making dinner, tell him, "I'm taking the pasta off the shelf and now I'm going to put into this water. The water is very hot, so we have to be careful." etc... For older kids, have them do their homework in kitchen while you cook so that you can have some back and forth conversation throughout the process.
It isn't hard to enrich your child's brain and you do not have to deny yourself a shower because your baby will cry. In the "old days" we all lived close to our families. We could depend on our parents or siblings or other extended family members to lend us a hand with our kids. Now most of us live far from family and are basically on our own. If we spend every waking moment personally entertaining our kids, they will never learn to be independent and find ways to entertain themselves.
I should make a point of saying that you should only let your kids watch age appropriate shows. You can most definitely cause harm by letting them watch programs that are too mature for their psyches. But letting your one year old watch Ni Hao Kai Lan or your preschooler watch Super Why is not going to hurt.
Beware of visually stimulating shows with your younger kids. Shows that have rapidly changing images and loud noises, including loud music, have been shown to lead to attention issues later.
So, when you need to get something accomplished, don't feel too bad about letting baby watch a little TV. Put him in a safe place with the TV not too close. Give him a toy to hold, so he is engaged in more than one way. Then do what you need to do. Give yourself a break. It's OK.
In my opinion, based on my experience, though, as a parent of four, this is not the whole story. Yes, if you put your baby in front of the TV for much of the day, or even just a short time, and then don't spend any time engaging him in interactive play or talking to him, you are likely to see significant delays.
However, if you let your baby watch a little TV when you need a few minutes to shower, tidy up, or just have a cup of coffee, but you spend the majority of the day playing with him and talking to him and reading books to him, I think it is unlikely that you will see any problems.
As I've said before, I'm not a doctor, so my opinion has little merit, but I have a lot of experience with this topic, so I do feel I can speak to it with some authority. As a Navy wife and mom of four sons, including one with high functioning autism, I have used TV as a babysitter more than I'd care to admit. But, I do engage my kids- constantly. Like I said, I'm a Navy wife, my husband is away a lot, I've got to talk to someone! I am kidding, of course, but the point is, that while I permit my children to watch television regularly, I really do spend a lot of time in positive interactions with them.
Though they all have watched quite a bit of TV, they've all read before their fifth birthdays. One read at age 3 and one at age 4. They have excellent math skills and have been able to make simple computations from very early ages. Yes, my eldest son, who has autism, had speech delays, but cognitively, he has tested as gifted from the age of three.
The point of this post is not to say how great my kids are (though they are, of course) but to put your minds at ease. In my opinion it is OK for little ones to have TV exposure, but you must couple the TV watching with positive interactions with your child.
Run a constant dialog with him. If you are making dinner, tell him, "I'm taking the pasta off the shelf and now I'm going to put into this water. The water is very hot, so we have to be careful." etc... For older kids, have them do their homework in kitchen while you cook so that you can have some back and forth conversation throughout the process.
It isn't hard to enrich your child's brain and you do not have to deny yourself a shower because your baby will cry. In the "old days" we all lived close to our families. We could depend on our parents or siblings or other extended family members to lend us a hand with our kids. Now most of us live far from family and are basically on our own. If we spend every waking moment personally entertaining our kids, they will never learn to be independent and find ways to entertain themselves.
I should make a point of saying that you should only let your kids watch age appropriate shows. You can most definitely cause harm by letting them watch programs that are too mature for their psyches. But letting your one year old watch Ni Hao Kai Lan or your preschooler watch Super Why is not going to hurt.
Beware of visually stimulating shows with your younger kids. Shows that have rapidly changing images and loud noises, including loud music, have been shown to lead to attention issues later.
So, when you need to get something accomplished, don't feel too bad about letting baby watch a little TV. Put him in a safe place with the TV not too close. Give him a toy to hold, so he is engaged in more than one way. Then do what you need to do. Give yourself a break. It's OK.
03 December 2010
Two Ways
Also seen at http://deploymentdiatribes.wordpress.com/
2 Ways
I have a lot of patience. I’m not bragging, it’s just a fact. I wasn’t always this way but, long ago, I decided that it was easier to have patience with our children than to get upset again and again.
Lately, though, I find myself with less patience. I am sure it has a lot (everything) to do with the stress in our house right now. Horatio is leaving in 5 days.
Every time one of the children challenges me, lately, I find myself wanting to just put a stop to the whining or complaining or misbehaving. I don’t have the patience to wait it out.
I’ve been a bit more stern and am putting a stop to the negative behaviors quickly, but a thought occurred to me. Being tough is tiring.
The past week, and the 5 days to come, have been and will be, very stressful. It is draining to deal with everything that is going on. I realized that it would be much easier to let the kids just have what they want and get on with it.
I have up to two years of these days ahead of me. Which kids will I have at the end of the deployment? Spoiled brats who get everything they want? Or timid, well behaved kids who cower when I walk into the room?
Hopefully neither. I will make a conscious effort to be a good single mother. Keep them in line but with a soft touch.
One thing I am pretty sure of is that I'll end up with at least one of the boys sharing my bed much of the time. The littlest one sleeps much longer when he is in bed with me. More sleep is something I find hard to pass up.
Time will tell.
Lately, though, I find myself with less patience. I am sure it has a lot (everything) to do with the stress in our house right now. Horatio is leaving in 5 days.
Every time one of the children challenges me, lately, I find myself wanting to just put a stop to the whining or complaining or misbehaving. I don’t have the patience to wait it out.
I’ve been a bit more stern and am putting a stop to the negative behaviors quickly, but a thought occurred to me. Being tough is tiring.
The past week, and the 5 days to come, have been and will be, very stressful. It is draining to deal with everything that is going on. I realized that it would be much easier to let the kids just have what they want and get on with it.
I have up to two years of these days ahead of me. Which kids will I have at the end of the deployment? Spoiled brats who get everything they want? Or timid, well behaved kids who cower when I walk into the room?
Hopefully neither. I will make a conscious effort to be a good single mother. Keep them in line but with a soft touch.
One thing I am pretty sure of is that I'll end up with at least one of the boys sharing my bed much of the time. The littlest one sleeps much longer when he is in bed with me. More sleep is something I find hard to pass up.
Time will tell.
17 November 2010
Line Up
When people learn that I have four boys, they usually give me a look that says something along the lines of, 'I feel sorry for you,' or 'oh boy, I wouldn't want to be in your house, I bet it's noisy all the time.' (Don't even get me started on the comments like, "oh, never got the girl, huh?" I can write about that one later.
I get it, I've been in plenty of situations with all boys and the chaos can be intolerable. However, my boys are usually calm, relatively quiet and sweet. Of course we have moments (or days) when I look at them or listen to them and think that this is what people think my house is like every day and thank G-d it isn't!
They are still boys, though, and like all children, they like to play and run around, so sometimes I have to resort to extreme measures to get them to focus on what I want to tell them. When I am trying to get them to listen to something and can tell that it is highly likely that they are not focused on what I am saying, I'll say, in a serious voice, "line up."
All four boys will line up in front of me, arms at their sides. When all eight eyes are on my face, I proceed to to convey my message. Peace is restored. Everyone is happy... REALLY!
Lately, though, these instances are more frequent than ever. Perhaps it is because they are getting older and have their own agendas.
Whatever the reason, I realize it is time to bring them back into line. I'm not sure how we got to this point, but the straw that broke the camel's back came a few nights ago.
The three older boys share a room and sleep in bunk beds. When I went into their room to kiss them good night, I was bombarded with requests for me to switch their beds. First, Dwight and Bob said they wanted to switch beds, (Bob to the top, Dwight to the bottom.) Then Zack said he wanted to sleep in the other top bunk, across from his, where Dwight is now.
They've asked this before. I used to let them switch frequently, when we lived in China. But here, their beds have shelves and the boys have stashed books, legos, piggy banks, and much, much, more, in the shelves. So, the job is significantly more involved.
I've told them that if they want to switch beds, they have to move all of their stuff. I'll change the sheets, but they are responsible for the transfer of their "stuff". They said they'll do this but wanted me to change the sheets in the morning. They are impatient to get started with the new arrangement.
When I explained to them that I was not going to do it the next day but that I'd do it when I could fit it into my schedule, they began to whine and complain and ask when I last changed the sheets, when I would do it again and why couldn't it be sooner.
It had been a particularly long day and I had had enough. So, I said I would do it when they moved all their stuff and showed me they were willing to work for it like I work for them. They agreed.
Here we are, though, several days later, and everything is still in place. Not a word about the move since the night of the incident.
Sure, I'll let them trade beds. I'm happy to do it. But kids need to know that a family is a team and everyone has to do their share of the work (sort of).
It has been better since that night. They are back in line but still having fun, enjoying being kids. It's a fine line, making sure our kids do their share, but also making sure to let them have fun and be kids.
I'm walking the tightrope, for sure.
09 November 2010
Crazy busy nights
Tuesdays are always busy. The boys come home from school at about 3:40. Bob (6 1/2) has volleyball club at the school from 6-6:40 and Dwight (9 1/2) has volleyball club from 6:45 until 7:30. The kids usually get in bed at about 7:30, so it gets a bit complicated.
The first few weeks of this schedule had us juggling homework, dinners, bedtimes and more. It was not fun. This week, I threw in a focus group that I have to attend from 8:00-10:00, so I decided it was time to get serious about making Tuesday nights run more smoothly.
I started making dinner at 4:30. I cooked a pot of pasta and put olive oil and garlic on it for the boys and pesto for Horatio and me. I sauteed some fish for a scampi of sorts and baked some garlic bread. I put out some carrots and there's dinner- done. We sat down to eat at about 5:15 and were finished by 5:45, Tom took Dwight and Bob to the school while I am home with Zack, helping with homework, and Harold, playing with boats.
Horatio will bring Bob home when Dwight starts volleyball and then go back to watch Dwight. I will get Harold ready for bed but Horatio will put him to bed while I am at the meeting.
I'm going to go clean up from dinner and think about how all this will go down next month when I'm on my own in all of this...
The first few weeks of this schedule had us juggling homework, dinners, bedtimes and more. It was not fun. This week, I threw in a focus group that I have to attend from 8:00-10:00, so I decided it was time to get serious about making Tuesday nights run more smoothly.
I started making dinner at 4:30. I cooked a pot of pasta and put olive oil and garlic on it for the boys and pesto for Horatio and me. I sauteed some fish for a scampi of sorts and baked some garlic bread. I put out some carrots and there's dinner- done. We sat down to eat at about 5:15 and were finished by 5:45, Tom took Dwight and Bob to the school while I am home with Zack, helping with homework, and Harold, playing with boats.
Horatio will bring Bob home when Dwight starts volleyball and then go back to watch Dwight. I will get Harold ready for bed but Horatio will put him to bed while I am at the meeting.
18 October 2010
Deployment Diatribes Installment #1
After today, you can find the Deployment Diatribes at: www.DeploymentDiatribes.wordpress.com
Horatio is leaving home for an unknown period of time, at least 18 months. We've told the boys this would happen. They've known ever since we departed Beijing 15 months ago.
Now, though, we have a departure date and reality has begun to set in. My way of handling this with the boys is to make sure they are kept "in the know" but also that we don't dwell on it. We tell them things as we learn them but then drop the subject unless they have questions.
About two weeks ago we learned that Horatio would be departing soon, so we shared this information in a matter of fact way. I dropped it into our afternoon banter after the boys returned from school.
"Do you want a snack?"
"How about popcorn?"
"OK. Oh, by the way, today we found out that Daddy will be leaving on deployment on (x date). I just wanted to let you know."
"Oh. OK. Why does he have to go? I don't want him to go."
"Well, it is a part of his job. He does not want to leave us, but the Navy has asked him to do this very important job, so he has to. But as soon as he can, he's going to come home."
"OK."
And, life went on... Snack, Homework, Dinner, Bike riding, Basketball, Bedtime.
All was quiet on the subject for a week or so and then Horatio brought up an idea to the boys. We were going through the bedtime routine, the three older boys were tucked into their bunk beds. I was reading Harry Potter to the 6 year old and the Horatio walked in to say good night.
He told the boys he had come up with an idea of a way to make the deployment a more exciting time for the boys. He said he would let each of them choose a new Lego figure (HUGE Lego fans in our house.) He will take the four Lego figures with him and every time he goes somewhere new and exciting, he will take a picture of the Lego guys on location. Then he will email the photos home and the boys can share the experience with him.
Great idea!
BAD TIMING.
The next morning, the 9 year old was crying when he woke up and came downstairs. He said, "Why does Dad have to leave? I don't want him to go."
Not a great start to a day. It took me a while to realize what had prompted the sadness. I'd forgotten that the last thing he heard before he went to bed was a foretelling of his Dad's long absence. I tend to block out the sadness and focus on the logistics of being a single parent. It might not be the healthiest way to deal with it but it works for me. It may be cliche, but I have to be strong for the kids, and in reality, strong for Horatio, too. It would not be good if everyone in the house dissolved into tears whenever the subject of Horatio's departure came up.
So, I arm myself with all the minute details. I deal with the boys' tears, grumpiness and confusion as it comes and try to be a supportive wife in the weeks leading up to the departure.
Don't get me wrong, I'm no martyr. I have my moments of feeling sorry for myself but I try to keep them to a minimum. We have a good support network set up here and I know it helps Horatio to know he's leaving us in good hands. We will both deal with the home-front fallout of the deployment as it comes and look forward to the happy reunion down the road.
Horatio is leaving home for an unknown period of time, at least 18 months. We've told the boys this would happen. They've known ever since we departed Beijing 15 months ago.
Now, though, we have a departure date and reality has begun to set in. My way of handling this with the boys is to make sure they are kept "in the know" but also that we don't dwell on it. We tell them things as we learn them but then drop the subject unless they have questions.
About two weeks ago we learned that Horatio would be departing soon, so we shared this information in a matter of fact way. I dropped it into our afternoon banter after the boys returned from school.
"Do you want a snack?"
"How about popcorn?"
"OK. Oh, by the way, today we found out that Daddy will be leaving on deployment on (x date). I just wanted to let you know."
"Oh. OK. Why does he have to go? I don't want him to go."
"Well, it is a part of his job. He does not want to leave us, but the Navy has asked him to do this very important job, so he has to. But as soon as he can, he's going to come home."
"OK."
And, life went on... Snack, Homework, Dinner, Bike riding, Basketball, Bedtime.
All was quiet on the subject for a week or so and then Horatio brought up an idea to the boys. We were going through the bedtime routine, the three older boys were tucked into their bunk beds. I was reading Harry Potter to the 6 year old and the Horatio walked in to say good night.
He told the boys he had come up with an idea of a way to make the deployment a more exciting time for the boys. He said he would let each of them choose a new Lego figure (HUGE Lego fans in our house.) He will take the four Lego figures with him and every time he goes somewhere new and exciting, he will take a picture of the Lego guys on location. Then he will email the photos home and the boys can share the experience with him.
Great idea!
BAD TIMING.
The next morning, the 9 year old was crying when he woke up and came downstairs. He said, "Why does Dad have to leave? I don't want him to go."
Not a great start to a day. It took me a while to realize what had prompted the sadness. I'd forgotten that the last thing he heard before he went to bed was a foretelling of his Dad's long absence. I tend to block out the sadness and focus on the logistics of being a single parent. It might not be the healthiest way to deal with it but it works for me. It may be cliche, but I have to be strong for the kids, and in reality, strong for Horatio, too. It would not be good if everyone in the house dissolved into tears whenever the subject of Horatio's departure came up.
So, I arm myself with all the minute details. I deal with the boys' tears, grumpiness and confusion as it comes and try to be a supportive wife in the weeks leading up to the departure.
02 October 2010
it's not fair
He does not like to have limitations put on him. He wants a lot of freedom. Lately the complaining centers on the afternoon and evening routines. We have always had pretty early "in bed" times. The three older boys share a room, so we like them to all get in bed at the same time. With ages 12, 9 1/2 and 6, the lights out times vary quite a bit, they end up with a lot of reading time, which they enjoy, but the 9 year old frets over the fact that he has to get in bed earlier than his friends. When the weather is nice, time permitting, the boys can go outside after dinner and get into bed a bit later, but there are lots of times when we start the bedtime routine not long after dinner.
We endure a lot of whining over these nights especially. We've tried predictable consequences, but the debate continues. So, I decided to ask him what he envisions as the ideal afternoon and evening routine.
Our standard routine goes like this:
Boys get home from school between 3:15 and 3:30. They have a snack and play and begin homework at about 4:00. Homework is done with little input from me. I highly encourage the boys to do their work independently. I help when asked but each boy has his personal working space and Harold is encouraged to play quietly or watch a dvd at this time. I usually fold laundry or work on dinner during homework time.
They finish their homework, tidy up a little, and then play until dinner is ready. We usually eat dinner around 5:30 or 6:00. After dinner, if everything has gone smoothly during the day, the boys can go outside to play or have dessert outside. We have them come inside to get ready for bed at 7ish on school nights, later on the weekends. Lights out is 8:00 for the 6 year old, 9:00 for the 9 year old and around 9:30 for the 12 year old.
We are flexible, though. If someone is having trouble falling asleep, they are free to keep reading until they feel sleepy.
Mr. It's Not Fair proposed this routine:
Come home from school, play until dinner. Do homework after dinner, then go outside until 8:00. Shower, get ready for bed, lights out at 9:00.
I am pretty confident that he will see that this is not a feasible routine. If he waits to do homework until after dinner, I might be too busy cleaning up and getting my youngest son into bed to give help if he needs it. Also, it is not likely he will have time to go outside after his homework is finished, especially since the sun is setting earlier these days.
I think the freedom to try his own routine will give my son some piece of mind. I see compromise in our future.
28 September 2010
Aspie quote of the day
quote of the day from our beloved eldest, the boy with no filter: (thank you, Asperger Syndrome)
"Mom, are we having these hamburgers for dinner tonight because you are too lazy to cook something else for us?"
Nice.
In his defense, he amended his comment a moment or two later, "what I mean is, that since you are sick, this is what you decided to make."
Ok, so he's learning.
"Mom, are we having these hamburgers for dinner tonight because you are too lazy to cook something else for us?"
Nice.
In his defense, he amended his comment a moment or two later, "what I mean is, that since you are sick, this is what you decided to make."
Ok, so he's learning.
24 September 2010
Mealtime ordeals averted, sort of
In our house, after many years of setting mealtime rules and adjusting and readjusting them, I think we've settled on something that works.
Our philosophy comes from experience and books. What we do is this:
I prepare dinner. I make sure there is at least one item on the table that each person will eat, whether it is rice or pasta or even just bread and butter, I know that the kids will not go hungry.
If one of the boys does not want to eat the meal I have provided, he can pour himself a bowl of cereal (nothing sweetened) and have as much of that for dinner as he wants, but no dessert. We always have a dessert option and if they at least try each item on the table, they get dessert.
There is no clean plate club here. We want to encourage the boys to try new things and old things again and again, reminding them that their tastes will change as they grow. But, we don't want to make meal time a battleground.
The rules are set, there is no debate. If they argue, they get one chance to stop and after that, they suffer some kind of consequence. The main thing we stress at this point is respect. We remind them that when they are rude and complain about dinner, it hurts my feelings since I worked hard (sometimes not so hard) to prepare the meal.
We also don't want sweets to seem like a forbidden item. So, they can have dessert each night, assuming all the rules have been followed.
Of course the rules are tested from time to time. One of the boys argues over dinner any night the offering is not one of his favorites but he usually backs down when I remind him of the rules.
We had a big battle a few nights ago. One of the boys began whining when he learned we were having Chinese dumplings, rice and stir fried veggies. I want to remind you that he could have had a small taste of the veggies and dumplings, filled up on rice and still had dessert, but he whined and whined. I reminded him he could have cereal, and he asked for a sweetened cereal. I reminded him that that is not an option. He then announced he was just going to go to bed hungry.
This all was probably caused by the fact that he was already in a bad mood due to a large amount of math homework, but reasoning with him got me nowhere. I put an end to the discussion quickly and continued with the meal preparations and then the meal. About mid way through dinner, he caved in and ate a bowl of cereal, then another and another. Then he showered and had time to play before bed.
I find that if we just don't make a big deal about the issue and we don't fall into the trap of the debate, things eventually go our way- the right way!
Tonight's dinner is a fish with spicy sauce over rice, salad and Challah bread. One of the boys will eat the fish, salad and rice without the spicy sauce, one of the boys will eat the spicy sauce over the rice, with no fish or salad, one of the boys will eat it all and one of the boys will just eat rice and salad. Everyone will enjoy the bread and, barring any unforeseen hiccups when the boys are reminded about the small taste of everything, we will have a lovely family dinner.
We also set the tone of the meal by asking each child, first, the best part of their day, and then the worst. This keeps communication open and gives us a peek at their day. I highly recommend it.
Bon appetite!
Our philosophy comes from experience and books. What we do is this:
I prepare dinner. I make sure there is at least one item on the table that each person will eat, whether it is rice or pasta or even just bread and butter, I know that the kids will not go hungry.
If one of the boys does not want to eat the meal I have provided, he can pour himself a bowl of cereal (nothing sweetened) and have as much of that for dinner as he wants, but no dessert. We always have a dessert option and if they at least try each item on the table, they get dessert.
There is no clean plate club here. We want to encourage the boys to try new things and old things again and again, reminding them that their tastes will change as they grow. But, we don't want to make meal time a battleground.
The rules are set, there is no debate. If they argue, they get one chance to stop and after that, they suffer some kind of consequence. The main thing we stress at this point is respect. We remind them that when they are rude and complain about dinner, it hurts my feelings since I worked hard (sometimes not so hard) to prepare the meal.
We also don't want sweets to seem like a forbidden item. So, they can have dessert each night, assuming all the rules have been followed.
Of course the rules are tested from time to time. One of the boys argues over dinner any night the offering is not one of his favorites but he usually backs down when I remind him of the rules.
We had a big battle a few nights ago. One of the boys began whining when he learned we were having Chinese dumplings, rice and stir fried veggies. I want to remind you that he could have had a small taste of the veggies and dumplings, filled up on rice and still had dessert, but he whined and whined. I reminded him he could have cereal, and he asked for a sweetened cereal. I reminded him that that is not an option. He then announced he was just going to go to bed hungry.
This all was probably caused by the fact that he was already in a bad mood due to a large amount of math homework, but reasoning with him got me nowhere. I put an end to the discussion quickly and continued with the meal preparations and then the meal. About mid way through dinner, he caved in and ate a bowl of cereal, then another and another. Then he showered and had time to play before bed.
I find that if we just don't make a big deal about the issue and we don't fall into the trap of the debate, things eventually go our way- the right way!
Tonight's dinner is a fish with spicy sauce over rice, salad and Challah bread. One of the boys will eat the fish, salad and rice without the spicy sauce, one of the boys will eat the spicy sauce over the rice, with no fish or salad, one of the boys will eat it all and one of the boys will just eat rice and salad. Everyone will enjoy the bread and, barring any unforeseen hiccups when the boys are reminded about the small taste of everything, we will have a lovely family dinner.
We also set the tone of the meal by asking each child, first, the best part of their day, and then the worst. This keeps communication open and gives us a peek at their day. I highly recommend it.
Bon appetite!
20 September 2010
Terrible horrible no good very bad day
Did anyone else read that book when they were kids?
Well, yesterday was one such day for me. It didn't start out that way. It started nicely enough, despite some of the boys complaining about going to religious school. They went off to school and I watched the children of the teacher. It was fun to get my baby fix.
The boys came home and we all had lunch together and then set off for Cox Farms, which has a fall festival every year. They have huge slides set up on hay, hay "mountains" to climb, rope swings, hay rides, baby animals and more. The kids love it, and we won tickets via the great site: http://www.dullesmoms.com.
When we got out of our car, though, we realized we had a nearly flat tire. So, we took the boys around the festival together for a while and then Horatio headed out to the car to change the tire. Unfortunately, the dealer put the lug nuts on so tight, he could not get them off. Roadside assistance took 45 minutes to arrive and they couldn't remove the lug nuts either! So, they called a tow truck. I called a dear friend, who came to the rescue of the 4 tired, sweaty, cranky boys and me, while Tom waited for what ended up being about 4 hours for the truck to arrive.
I took the boys home, got them showered and fed and off to bed. Then, just before going to bed, I remembered I'd put my ID in my pocket, so I went down to the laundry room to get it, only to find it wasn't there. I looked everywhere and could not find it. SO, I can add that to my list.
I have to take the car in to the shop to get the tire fixed or replaced and get myself to a military base to replace my ID.
It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, but it could have been worse if I'd been there alone with the boys and Horatio had already left on his pending deployment.
SO, I can be thankful for life's little favors, no matter how hard they are to spot.
Well, yesterday was one such day for me. It didn't start out that way. It started nicely enough, despite some of the boys complaining about going to religious school. They went off to school and I watched the children of the teacher. It was fun to get my baby fix.
The boys came home and we all had lunch together and then set off for Cox Farms, which has a fall festival every year. They have huge slides set up on hay, hay "mountains" to climb, rope swings, hay rides, baby animals and more. The kids love it, and we won tickets via the great site: http://www.dullesmoms.com.
When we got out of our car, though, we realized we had a nearly flat tire. So, we took the boys around the festival together for a while and then Horatio headed out to the car to change the tire. Unfortunately, the dealer put the lug nuts on so tight, he could not get them off. Roadside assistance took 45 minutes to arrive and they couldn't remove the lug nuts either! So, they called a tow truck. I called a dear friend, who came to the rescue of the 4 tired, sweaty, cranky boys and me, while Tom waited for what ended up being about 4 hours for the truck to arrive.
I took the boys home, got them showered and fed and off to bed. Then, just before going to bed, I remembered I'd put my ID in my pocket, so I went down to the laundry room to get it, only to find it wasn't there. I looked everywhere and could not find it. SO, I can add that to my list.
I have to take the car in to the shop to get the tire fixed or replaced and get myself to a military base to replace my ID.
It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, but it could have been worse if I'd been there alone with the boys and Horatio had already left on his pending deployment.
SO, I can be thankful for life's little favors, no matter how hard they are to spot.
16 September 2010
The trouble with potty training
Potty training is trouble, no matter when you start or how eager the child is.
My first son had many developmental delays, so it did not even occur to me to train him until he was over 3 years old. Then, over winter break, we took away the diapers, let him run around with no pants on, and in a couple of days he was completely trained. Done and Done.
Many of my friends had begun training their same aged kids a year before and were still battling messes and puddles. Their job was complete at around the same time as mine was, but it took them many months, rather than a few days.
I took this lesson with me as I planned to train number 2. He threw me for a loop, though, when at just over 2 years, he said he wanted to wear underwear and pee on the potty. I knew it would be a mistake to tell him no, so I went with it. He was in underwear from that point on, but refused to go number 2 in the potty. He'd ask for a diaper to do that. I had always said I would NEVER do that, but it is next to impossible to force a child to do that in the potty before they are ready, so I figured I was lucky he was in underwear and just went with it, until he was a little over 3 years old and we were expecting the arrival of number 3. I began to push the issue a bit and finally had success with him, at right about the same age as number 1 was when he was fully trained.
Number 3 was a completely different story. He was 2 1/2, realized his brothers were sharing a room and he was alone. I told him he could move in with them when he had no more diapers... done! We had a few set backs, but he was the exception.
I've already addressed the issue of number 4 in this blog. I felt the need to train him because his "friends" are trained. I felt he wasn't completely ready, but went ahead with it. The method we used for training him was pretty successful, but at 2 years, 9 months, he is still working things out. He has anxiety about number 2, so I have to watch him very closely or put him in a pull up so that I don't end up cleaning up a mess on the carpet. YUCK! I think I put too much pressure on him and he has had some regression, so I am backing off. I reward the successes, talk about the accidents, but don't get upset by them, and, I am pretty sure that by the time he's 3 1/2, diapers will be a memory.
At least I hope so!
Bottom line- don't push it if it's not working. Let your kids guide you. Each one is different, but most kids will train by 3 1/2 and if you wait, it probably will be easier, but you have to do what works for you and your child.
My first son had many developmental delays, so it did not even occur to me to train him until he was over 3 years old. Then, over winter break, we took away the diapers, let him run around with no pants on, and in a couple of days he was completely trained. Done and Done.
Many of my friends had begun training their same aged kids a year before and were still battling messes and puddles. Their job was complete at around the same time as mine was, but it took them many months, rather than a few days.
I took this lesson with me as I planned to train number 2. He threw me for a loop, though, when at just over 2 years, he said he wanted to wear underwear and pee on the potty. I knew it would be a mistake to tell him no, so I went with it. He was in underwear from that point on, but refused to go number 2 in the potty. He'd ask for a diaper to do that. I had always said I would NEVER do that, but it is next to impossible to force a child to do that in the potty before they are ready, so I figured I was lucky he was in underwear and just went with it, until he was a little over 3 years old and we were expecting the arrival of number 3. I began to push the issue a bit and finally had success with him, at right about the same age as number 1 was when he was fully trained.
Number 3 was a completely different story. He was 2 1/2, realized his brothers were sharing a room and he was alone. I told him he could move in with them when he had no more diapers... done! We had a few set backs, but he was the exception.
I've already addressed the issue of number 4 in this blog. I felt the need to train him because his "friends" are trained. I felt he wasn't completely ready, but went ahead with it. The method we used for training him was pretty successful, but at 2 years, 9 months, he is still working things out. He has anxiety about number 2, so I have to watch him very closely or put him in a pull up so that I don't end up cleaning up a mess on the carpet. YUCK! I think I put too much pressure on him and he has had some regression, so I am backing off. I reward the successes, talk about the accidents, but don't get upset by them, and, I am pretty sure that by the time he's 3 1/2, diapers will be a memory.
At least I hope so!
Bottom line- don't push it if it's not working. Let your kids guide you. Each one is different, but most kids will train by 3 1/2 and if you wait, it probably will be easier, but you have to do what works for you and your child.
13 September 2010
Shaping our kids
Who is socializing kids these days? If parents don't take care of their own kids, who will? Do some parents think that the world will take care of their kids? Do they think that their kids will somehow, magically develop into good citizens without an ounce of guidance? Is it the responsibility of our schools to shape our kids?
NO
When did this happen? When did parents forget that they are responsible for their kids? Who turned over the shaping of our future to strangers?
The reason I am on this rant stems from an event I attended with my children this weekend. It was a family event for a class my kids are taking. The organizers had put together a great program of crafts and snacks and about 25 children moved from table to table, enjoying the activities.
At one of the tables, the kids could make candied apples using honey, frosting, sprinkles, chocolate chips and more. As you can imagine, this was a popular table.
I watched with horror as a 10 year old girl took a spoon to stab a hole in the plastic seal on a container of sprinkles. She did not have the patience to pause to ask an adult for help. She jabbed at the seal 4 times before the plastic gave way and sprinkles burst out all over the table. She then took the spoon, poured sprinkles over her apple and into her mouth, spilling more over the table and onto the floor. She then looked up and laughed, "I'd hate to be the one to have to clean that up!"
Her mother watched as it all transpired. In response to her daughter's comment, she giggled back, "maybe YOU should." But, it was clear she did not mean it. She just turned and continued her conversation.
WHAT???
How can a mother let this happen and even condone the behavior?
In what universe is this behavior ok? Am I the only one disturbed by this kind of conduct?
I really had to restrain myself. I wanted to walk over to the 10 year old. Look her in the eye and tell her to put the apple down, clean up the mess and leave the room.
Why did her mother not do this? When did parents stop parenting? Do they want to be their kids' friends? Are they afraid that their kids won't like them if they set rules and insist their kids think of people other than themselves?
Yes, it's hard to be the bad guy sometimes and it's hard to listen to our kids cry because they want things, but we are parents. We have to teach our kids right from wrong. We have to teach our kids to be patient and to work for things they want. It is our responsibility to shape our kids and when they turn out to be whiny, rude, messy and without motivation, the mirror is the only place to look for whom to blame.
NO
When did this happen? When did parents forget that they are responsible for their kids? Who turned over the shaping of our future to strangers?
The reason I am on this rant stems from an event I attended with my children this weekend. It was a family event for a class my kids are taking. The organizers had put together a great program of crafts and snacks and about 25 children moved from table to table, enjoying the activities.
At one of the tables, the kids could make candied apples using honey, frosting, sprinkles, chocolate chips and more. As you can imagine, this was a popular table.
I watched with horror as a 10 year old girl took a spoon to stab a hole in the plastic seal on a container of sprinkles. She did not have the patience to pause to ask an adult for help. She jabbed at the seal 4 times before the plastic gave way and sprinkles burst out all over the table. She then took the spoon, poured sprinkles over her apple and into her mouth, spilling more over the table and onto the floor. She then looked up and laughed, "I'd hate to be the one to have to clean that up!"
Her mother watched as it all transpired. In response to her daughter's comment, she giggled back, "maybe YOU should." But, it was clear she did not mean it. She just turned and continued her conversation.
WHAT???
How can a mother let this happen and even condone the behavior?
In what universe is this behavior ok? Am I the only one disturbed by this kind of conduct?
I really had to restrain myself. I wanted to walk over to the 10 year old. Look her in the eye and tell her to put the apple down, clean up the mess and leave the room.
Why did her mother not do this? When did parents stop parenting? Do they want to be their kids' friends? Are they afraid that their kids won't like them if they set rules and insist their kids think of people other than themselves?
Yes, it's hard to be the bad guy sometimes and it's hard to listen to our kids cry because they want things, but we are parents. We have to teach our kids right from wrong. We have to teach our kids to be patient and to work for things they want. It is our responsibility to shape our kids and when they turn out to be whiny, rude, messy and without motivation, the mirror is the only place to look for whom to blame.
06 September 2010
Clean up
The boys have to make a group effort at cleaning up the basement every couple of weeks. They just have so many things that end up all over the floor.
Play is a big part of their lives, and with that comes a mess, so, clean up has to be a part of it too.
No matter what, though, clean up time brings conflict.
It starts with the claim that the youngest brother is the cause of the mess. With the blame comes begging for help. Once we get past that, the boys want to know how much they have to clean before they can quit. My answer never changes, "all of it."
Usually, they ask for a reward for when they finish cleaning. I usually say that the reward is a clean play area. But, I always compliment the effort they've made and the job well done and make sure something fun follows the job.
Kids will only do as much as we expect of them. It is very important to have high expectations. Sometimes we have to help them reach the goal, but if we don't expect them to achieve, they probably won't.
Praise is an important part of the process, but too much praise can backfire. If the kids get too much praise, they stop doing things for the reward of the personal accomplishment and do it only to receive the praise. We want our children to strive for success for the sake of personal achievement, not for the compliments we give them.
Praise and reward the effort more than the achievement and you will foster desire and drive in your children.
The clean basement is the reward. The joy of having an open space is the prize. They fight it, but they do it and they make the effort together. Every aspect of the job part of the learning process. It all helps them grow and develop into productive, happy young men.
Play is a big part of their lives, and with that comes a mess, so, clean up has to be a part of it too.
No matter what, though, clean up time brings conflict.
It starts with the claim that the youngest brother is the cause of the mess. With the blame comes begging for help. Once we get past that, the boys want to know how much they have to clean before they can quit. My answer never changes, "all of it."
Usually, they ask for a reward for when they finish cleaning. I usually say that the reward is a clean play area. But, I always compliment the effort they've made and the job well done and make sure something fun follows the job.
Kids will only do as much as we expect of them. It is very important to have high expectations. Sometimes we have to help them reach the goal, but if we don't expect them to achieve, they probably won't.
Praise is an important part of the process, but too much praise can backfire. If the kids get too much praise, they stop doing things for the reward of the personal accomplishment and do it only to receive the praise. We want our children to strive for success for the sake of personal achievement, not for the compliments we give them.
Praise and reward the effort more than the achievement and you will foster desire and drive in your children.
The clean basement is the reward. The joy of having an open space is the prize. They fight it, but they do it and they make the effort together. Every aspect of the job part of the learning process. It all helps them grow and develop into productive, happy young men.
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