Autism Speaks July 4th 5K

A great day.

We took part in the Autism Speaks 5K in Potomac, Maryland today.
It was a great day for many reasons.

For one, Zack could see that our whole family supports him and the cause of making his life less difficult.

Second, we could see about 1500 people supporting Autism Speaks, in one way or another.  Whether it was a team rallying around a family member or friend, or individuals just out to run a 5K, everyone contributed the entry fee, helping the group raise money for autism research.

Finally, it was helpful to see other families dealing with similar issues to ours.  Some families clearly deal with much larger challenges than we do, but we saw several kids who looked quite familiar to us, as well. 

Sometimes it's nice to just get out there and be reminded of what is and is not a big deal.

Thanks go out to the 2010 July 4th Autism Speaks 5K organizers!

Cry Baby

I don't cry.  It takes an awful lot to bring me tears or even close.  Over the years, I've been through a lot of ups and downs...  Being a Navy Wife, goodbyes, hellos, long deployments...  It's all part of the deal I signed up for, so I've had to make myself more immune to the emotional ups and downs.  The side effect is that I am less apt to get emotional at other events in our life.

On June 21st, my eldest son "graduated" from sixth grade.  I was proud of him, for sure, but I admit to being cynical about the day's event.  I mean, graduation?  Really?

Don't get me wrong.  My husband took the morning off from work, we took the camera and video camera, we were ready to document this mildly momentous event in our first son's life.

We lined up outside the cafeteria and filed in when the doors opened.  I positioned myself on an aisle seat so I could easily move out to shoot my photos and video.

The cooling system in the room was not working well,  everyone fanned themselves with the event programs. 

The student council president started the event with the Pledge of Allegiance.  As a Navy wife, I get goose bumps every time I hear it.

The principal opened the ceremony with some thoughtful remarks, telling the kids to be the best they can be for themselves and the middle school next year.  She said there could only be one best at any given thing but everyone can be his or her own best.  A nice thought, but hard to hear since the sound system was on the fritz.  

Between the heat and the poor sound system,  I have to admit that I kept checking the program to see how many things were left before we could vacate the premises.  

Finally, the kids came to the part in the morning when the they thanked the parents for all the support and love we've given them over the past seven years of school.  One of the students read a thank you and then all the kids came out to the parents and handed us a rose and a personal letter.  

Next, the kids took the stage to sing.  Seeing Zack up on stage, singing, "You'll Be In My Heart" did it to me.  I got choked up.  Seeing my nearly 12 year old, first son, moving from elementary school, on to middle school, suddenly became an emotionally charged event for me.  

I admit, I teared up a little bit, but for the most part, I beamed with pride.  It has not been an easy road for Zack.  He does wonderfully academically, but any given day is a struggle, socially, and to see him up there, with his classmates, knowing the possibilities that lie ahead, was a great feeling.  

I am glad they made a big deal about the commencement from 6th grade to middle school.  

Every event can be a big deal or less so, depending on how the adults in a child's life handle it.  It was a big deal to Zack and to all of his classmates.  It really is a moment of moving from "little kid" to tween.  

Next year, these kids are going to be held to different standards and will be exposed to many more adult experiences.  

The teachers and parents celebrated our kids' milestone.  I'm glad we did and look forward to all that is to come.

Next year, my youngest will start preschool.  Will I cry when he gets out of the car in the carpool line?  Now I'm not so sure that I won't...

Have you seen these diapers?

The commercial for the Huggies Jean Diapers is stirring up a bit of controversy. 

It turns out that certain networks won't include the ending tag line which includes a reference to pooping.  Give me a break!  It's a commercial for diapers.


I bought these diapers. I think they are cute, so if my littlest one is running around the yard in a diaper that isn't cloth, better he should be in these.

However, I do think the commercial is a little creepy.  I think that if the voice over was done in the voice of a 2 year old it would be funnier and more appropriate, but the humor does out weigh the creepy factor, in my opinion.


What's up with our culture when sexualizing a 2 year old is ok, but a poop reference isn't?
Give me a break.

Style Choices

What is a parent to do when a child makes a questionable style choice?

She lets him do it.  Usually.

A child has to be permitted to make these choices, which, in the long run, don't harm them.  They help the child figure out who he is. 

Of course, as with everything, there are exceptions...  If I know that a style choice will lead to teasing at school, the least I will do is warn my child that it could happen and then let them make the decision.

I also make them wait a few days if the change is dramatic.  I would not want them to make a rash decision and regret it soon after the change was made.

As far as fashion choices go, I usually stay out of it, other than saying, maybe, "just so you know, black shirt and blue shorts do not really go well together, you might want to think about changing."  If we are going out and I want the kids to look nice, I have been known to put my foot down.  Usually, on those days, I pull the kids' clothes out the night before and lay them out so the boys just put them on without thinking.  Usually, this method works, but not always.

I am writing this because I have recently been there and done that, again.  My 6 year old, who has had long hair for most of his life, has been saying he wants to get a shorter spiky hair style.  I put him off for a few weeks, but a few days ago, he became very sure of his desire for the new look.  So, I made the appointment, we printed out a style picture from the internet (love google images) and yesterday he got his hair cut. 

It was not easy for me.  I love his hair long, and it is kind of his signature look.  But I knew I had to let him do it.  In the end, it looks great.  Totally different, but fabulous nonetheless.

He feels proud that he made the change and hopefully he'll take this experience with him as he grows and matures.

Before...

After

Make your own frozen treats!

We love Trader Joe's for all their great products, but my new favorite is their Fruit and Cream Yogurt cups.  The kids LOVE them and I created a great, healthy dessert with them.  Stick a popsicle stick in the top, stick them in the freezer and you have a delicious, frozen treat.

The milk used for the yogurt is rBST free and the cups have 4 grams of protein and 6 grams of fat per serving- GREAT for our growing kids!

Thanks Trader Joe's!

The Difference

What's the difference between preparing for the birth of your fist baby and preparing for the birth of your second (third or fourth?)  EVERYTHING.

Here are two...

How many weeks are you? 
First time Mom- "22 1/2"
Third time Mom- "twenty um, wait, January, February  (counts on fingers) um, about 5 months."

Do you have your layette together?
First time Mom- "Yes, I have 12 onesies, 6 creepers, 10 pairs of cute little socks..."
Third time Mom- "Yeah, pretty much.  I think the clothes in the newborn bin are clean, I mean, they were clean when I put them in there and the lid has been on..."

In the throws of the TERRIBLES!

When a toddler enters the terribles, stand back, make a battle-plan and then move in.

Do not, I repeat- DO NOT go in without a plan.

My plan with the in-house 2 1/2 year old- time out in a naughty chair.  Lately, I've spent a lot of time walking back and forth to the naughty chair.  Harold often fights the time out, so I just walk him back to the chair and repeat, "time out, 2 minutes."

When he completes the time out, I bend down to his level and say, "you were in time out because..." and explain simply what happened.  Most often, lately, it is because he has thrown something or done a great big arm sweep across a table to make a giant mess on the floor.

I am sure there are many parents who can relate.  A toddler can be a terror, but I am soothed by the knowledge that they come out on the other end and return to our sweet children, whom we knew before they entered the stage of terribles.

Whether it's the twos or the threes is irrelevant.  I've learned from experience that kids enter and leave the terribles at different times.  What is predictable is that the terribles are a phase, like any other stage of development.  They are asserting their independence and new skills.  We have to help them through it all and guide them in their development as happy, healthy kids- oh, and protect the other siblings who often bear the brunt of the outbursts!

Do doctors know best?

So, whose kids get colds when they cut teeth?

Me! Me! Me!

Why is it that doctors say there is no correlation between teething and runny noses?  Well, I guess I know why.  It's probably because there is no scientific reason for the two to go together.  But, does that mean it isn't something that happens? 

I say, "no."

I have four children and nine times out of ten, they have gotten colds just as they cut a new tooth.  My 2 1/2 year old is currently cutting his upper second molars.  A couple of days ago, he started sneezing, then got stuffy and started coughing and running a low grade fever.  The teeth have cut through and the symptoms of the cold are getting better.

The connection is probably that the baby's immune system is compromised as they cut a tooth, so the cause is not a direct one, but there is clearly a link.

If your child runs a fever of over 101 for more then 72 hours, take him to the doctor, even if he is teething, the cold may have turned into something more, like an ear infection.  Otherwise, though, wait it out.  Treat the symptoms and give the baby Hyland's teething tablets to get him through the tough times.

www.pbskids.org/read 

has free online games for 3 age groups. Great for summer. Maybe kids can early club penguin time by first playing a reading game!

Vaccines- help or harm? what to do...

Now that I've got your attention, I want to be clear from the start.  I am pro vaccine, for sure, but also am extremely cautious with how I allow them to be used with my kids.

My eldest child is on the autism spectrum.  I have struggled with wondering what caused it for many years now and, like nearly everyone with a child on the spectrum, I cannot say for sure what the cause is.  In my opinion, it is a brain injury caused by environmental contaminants of some sort.  When I look back over the years, I can point to several possibilities, although, none is definitive.


First, I had pitocin for 24 hours during my labor and delivery of him.  I've heard a theory that extended use of pitocin could be a cause of autism.  My friend's son, who was born on the same day, in the same hospital, also with pitocin, is also on the spectrum...  Coincidence?

Second, could it be something in the water or environment?  Our neighbor, where we lived when Zack was 3 months - 3 years old, also is on the autism spectrum.  Another coincidence?

Finally, vaccines...  Zack got all the vaccines on the CDC schedule, on the CDC timing.  Sometimes he got 4 injections in one day.  I know that the medical establishment has studied the issue and has decided that vaccines are not the cause of autism, but I wonder if the toxins included in the injections could be another contaminant that contributes to the cause.  More studies must be done.

Scientists have ruled that the MMR vaccine is not the cause, but that does not rule out a theory that the chemicals contained in the vaccines contribute to a build up of toxins and lead to brain injury. 

My theory is that it is a combination of things.  I wonder if some kids can metabolize all the chemicals better than others.  The levels of the toxins build up in the bodies of the kids whose bodies have a tough time eliminating them and they eventually suffer the consequences.  Sometimes, kids get such a high level of toxins in one visit, the brain injury is immediate.  The shock to the child's system is too great.

So, what to do?  How can we, as cautious, worried parents, protect our kids from both the effects of the toxins as well as the terrible illnesses that the vaccines protect them from?  Clearly, we want to stay away from both, but at what cost?

I continue to vaccinate my kids.  I think it is a dangerous risk to leave our kids open to these illnesses.

I watched Frontline's recent episode, The Vaccine War, (watch it here:  Frontline- The Vaccine War ) about this very topic and was infuriated by the misinformed statements by the anti vaccine woman in the show.  She said that since the illnesses are no longer a threat in America, it is not necessary to subject our kids to the vaccines.  Has she not heard of the recent outbreaks of measles and whooping cough?  These illnesses are still common around the world and it only takes one child in a community traveling outside the country, becoming infected and returning to infect all the un-vaccinated kids at home.

Herd protection (the effect of most of the population being vaccinated and therefor protecting the remaining population) is only good in isolation.  One infected child can wreak havoc on a community.   If an infected child brings an illness into a community a baby who is not old enough to be vaccinated can contract the illness and even die. A child with a compromised immune system could quickly become infected and die.  These illnesses are real threats.

It is an isolationist, misinformed (perhaps ignorant) view to say that  the vaccines are unnecessary now. My third son suffered not one, but two bouts of rotavirus.  His 2 year old body was ravaged by the illness, vomiting 10 or more times in a day.  He had to be hospitalized and hydrated for 3 days each time.

Some people would say that a vaccine for this is unnecessary because we were able to control the illness but what about the millions around the world who do not have access to the medical care we had?  My fourth son had the rotavirus vaccine.

Here's how I resolve the issue.  I vaccinate my kids, but on an alternative schedule. I've read books on the issue and consulted with pediatricians and nurses and came up with a schedule I am reasonably comfortable with.  It limits the number of vaccines and combines only vaccines with different chemical make ups at any given visit.

You have to be dedicated to the effort.  It requires extra visits to the doctor's office, but in my mind, in helps keeps my kids safe- both from the illness the vaccines target, and the chemicals the injections contain.

If you'd like to see my schedule, leave a comment on the blog with your contact information and I will send it to you.

When Playdates go wrong

What do you do when your child and his friend aren't having a good time at a playdate? 

Yesterday, my six year old had a friend over and they could not agree on activities.  They like each other but have different interests.  My six year old is a third child and likes to do things his older brothers do.  His friend is the oldest of three and still likes to play with Thomas.  One of the best parts of having play dates is that the kids keep each other happy and occupied.  Yesterday was NOT successful.

Usually, they find common ground and have a great time but yesterday they could not connect.  One wanted to go outside, one wanted to watch tv.  One wanted to play with legos, one wanted to do a craft. 

After struggling to keep them happy together, I finally gave up.  I decided that they could go back to the ways of toddlers in playgroups and have parallel play.  I made sure they stayed in the same location- either both down in the play room- one playing legos, the other a video game- or both outside- one swinging, one climbing or playing with balls. 

Finally, the afternoon ended with them both in the kitchen watching the older brothers work on the computer and helping me bake cookies.  (The great equalizer!)

It was a long play date but they got through it and so did I.  I doubt they will want to play again soon but eventually will have a meeting of the minds, I am sure.

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Life with an Aspie

I recently learned that people with Aspergers Syndrome often refer to themselves as Aspies.  While having Aspergers can often make life more challenging, it is, at least, one of the lesser of the disorders on the Autism spectrum.  Some even say it is not a disability, but rather something that makes people special in a great way.

I have to agree with this classification.  Yes, it can be very hard to be the parent of an Aspie.  Knowing your child doesn't really have any close friends, knowing that each day at school can be lonely and a constant battle to keep his emotions in check might be as stressful for the mom as it is for the child.  We want our kids to be happy all the time.

But, the good thing about Aspies, many times, is that they are not unhappy in their less-than-social circumstances.  For instance, my Aspie son thinks of himself as quite popular at school.  He knows that kids think he is a nice guy, so he assumes this makes him popular.

My Aspie is really bright.  This works for him in more than one way.  First of all, he does very well in school.  This is great because it is one less thing for him to worry about.  He often gets overwhelmed by the amount of homework he has, but the work itself is usually not a problem for him.

He is also absentminded, though.  Every since he was 3 and started to read, I've called him my absentminded professor.  I didn't know then that he had Aspergers, but I knew he was crazy smart and more than a little spacey! Zack can get 100% on a history test, but cannot remember to put the ice cream back in the freezer after he scoops some into his bowl.

The other thing that being bright helps my Aspie with is his social skills.  While being appropriately social does not come naturally to him, he can learn social skills.  When I notice a situation that he doesn't handle quite right, like when he used to walk up to another child and start right into a fact about reptiles, I take the opportunity to model the correct behavior for him.  He can then internalize the behavior and act appropriately next time.  This process has helped my Aspie son fit in at school and helped make him a happier kid.

My Aspie has learned so much from the modelling that when tested, he can answer the questions in a way that makes it difficult to accurately diagnose him.


I highly recommend that parents of Aspie kids work gently, but hard with their kids to help them be more comfortable in the "real world."  I think our son will be more equipped for his future because of all the work he's done to learn the social skills.

Will they melt?

I am sitting in my warm, dry house, two of my four children are happily eating lunch at the table 15 feet away, and, I admit, watching Dora.

In about 15 minutes, my two older children will be released from school and into the rain; probably pausing to look out from the school entrance at the downpour over the 1/3 mile walk ahead of them.

Throughout the morning, as the rain has gotten heavier and lighter, I've considered whether or not I should drive to the school to pick up the boys.  I picture them walking home, umbrellas in hand, one pulling his backpack, soaking it as it rolls along...  So, I debate, in my head...  pack up the little ones into the car, find a parking spot, walk to the entrance, find the boys and shuffle everyone back to the car, everyone getting a bit wet in the process.  Or, let the boys trudge home, getting wet, to varying degrees. 

I was feeling guilty as I leaned toward just meeting them at the door, greeting their drippy backpacks and clothes, muddy shoes and glum faces at our door.  Then, I thought back to my own elementary school days.  What would my mother do?

I don't ever remember being picked up from school unless I had an appointment of some kind.  I am sure I got soaked on more than one occasion and I don't even remember it. Did I melt?  No.  Did I catch a cold?  Probably not.  Did I have to change my socks?  Maybe.  Did I dwell on it?  I doubt it.

Do we, as parents, bring more guilt onto ourselves than necessary?  Probably.  I think it is good to have a little guilt wavering around us, to keep us in check, but I also think it is good to know when to push it aside and let the kids walk home in the rain. 



As it turns out, it stopped raining just before dismissal, so all the worry was for naught.

Sinking in...

Failure to thrive?  I understand the name but I really think they (whoever "they" are) should come up with a better name for the ailment that is keeping my 2 year old from growing.  I find it hard to look at my running, happy, chatterbox of a two year old as failing to thrive, but that is the diagnosis he has and has been undergoing testing for since February.

The doctor became concerned at Harold's 2 year well check, which did not happen until he was 26 months old.  Our family definitely does not have great height genes, but our oldest son, Zack, has growth hormone deficiency, so I just assumed that might also be the cause of Harold's issues.  As it turns out, though, his weight is the bigger issue.

This fact really surprised and puzzled me.  In my eyes, Harold was perfectly proportioned.  I love his little limbs and tiny belly but now that the doctors have impressed their concern upon me, I can see that he lacks the normal toddler squeezable chubbiness.  He is still squeezable, but the pudge isn't there.

Now that I see it, it feels horrible, as a mother, to have not noticed it before.  But I realize that this is like many other problems our kids have.  As parents, we don't want to see the problems of our perfect offspring.  We don't want to hear that something is wrong and can't even see it until we are ready.  Often, outsiders can see the problems before we, as parents, can.

My oldest son had speech delay as a two year old.  He had started saying a few words around age 1 but stopped talking and I had him evaluated at 19 months.  The first speech therapist who evaluated him at age 2 suggested he might have pervasive developmental disorder (PDD).

I immediately went to the internet and researched and came to the conclusion that my baby did not have PDD.  He was fine, he just had speech issues, but I went ahead and met with a counselor and went through the process of filling out all the surveys for the evaluation.  This process is severely flawed, though.  A parent can see things much differently than the counselor and interpret them differently.  What I saw as a great attention span for playing with a toy car, actually was an early sign of autism but I couldn't see it.   I filled out the parent questionnaires accordingly and Zack went without a diagnosis for 8 more years.  After all, Zack started reading at age 3, could tell time and multiply and divide at age 5, and memorize pages of text in one reading.  How could he have learning disabilities?

But, Zack continued to struggle.  While he is a charismatic and charming kid with adults, he has trouble identifying with and interacting with his peers.  He would sit with his nose in a book and then spew facts about snakes or dinosaurs and though he had the aptitude for the work, homework would often overwhelm him to the point of near panic.

Over time, I came to the realization that it was very likely he had PDD or ASD but didn't want to take him for an evaluation because I did not want him labeled.  I finally took Zack for an educational psychology evaluation when he was 10 years old so that I could have a name for what was causing his daily struggles.  I knew in my heart that he had some form of autism but having a name from a professional would help us get help for him.  After three sessions of several hours of testing, Zack was diagnosed with mild autism/PDD, dyslexia, dysgraphia and anxiety disorder.

When I told certain people about Zack's diagnosis, such as his speech therapist from ages 3 to 5, and a former neighbor who is a special education teacher, they said they suspected it years ago.  I realize that an outsider can't make a parent see more clearly by pointing out their suspicions outright, but I think that friends and educators can gently help guide the parent toward seeing what is there.  If nothing else, it can ease the transition once the diagnosis is made.

In second grade, a speech therapist at Zack's school suggested that Zack had characteristics of aspergers syndrome.  Again, I went straight to the internet and did not see that Zack had aspergers.  Yes, I could see similarities in Zack and the symptoms but did not think he really had it.  Yet, as time went on, I could see signs pointing toward aspergers or some other type of autism and eventually took the step of getting Zack tested.

Once we got names for things causing him problems, we could get him better help, both at home and at school.  I had to get over MY problem of not wanting to see, then not wanting a label, for him to be able to get help.

Now I find myself in the midst of a challenge again.  I did not want to put Harold through invasive medical tests when, in my mind, his issue was similar to Zack's growth hormone deficiency, which could be detected by less invasive blood tests.  It took an email from the chief of pediatric endocrinology at a major children's hospital, saying Harold's problem was less in his height and that he is "quite underweight" for me to see how very skinny Harold is.  What I saw, before, as adorably tiny limbs, I can now see as sadly skinny toddler limbs and am eager to do whatever tests are necessary to find the cause of his "failure to thrive" and make him better.  Harold is scheduled for endoscopy and sigmoidoscopy tests and a biopsy on May 14.  I hate the thought of him being under anesthesia but I am now eager to find what is causing his problem and get him well.

Overlooking our children's flaws is good but overlooking struggles that we can help them overcome is not.  It is a challenge, but as parents we have to see our kids more clearly to help them grow, no matter how we get there or how long it takes.

what to expect?

Do we expect too little of our kids? 

I was just reading a parenting magazine article about manners.  The thing that most got my attention was that the article said that it is too much to expect a 5 year old to smile and say thank you for a gift he does not like.
 
Specifically, the article told of a child who got an elmo toy and said, "I wanted a transformer."  The writer of the article said it is appropriate for the child to do that at age 5.  She said it is a teachable moment, which, of course it is, but we need to take responsibility for raising our kids right.  Sure, making sure they are well mannered adults is the ultimate goal, but not expecting it sooner is a cop out. 

You can start teaching a child manners as soon as they are upright and engaging with you.  You give the child a toy to play with, you say, "here you go."  The child gives it back and you say, "Thank you!"  You can even ask for the child to give you the toy, "please may I have it?"   It is as simple as that.  It really should come naturally to you and will come naturally to your child if you are consistent. 

When it is the child's birthday and family and friends are bringing gifts, prepare your child with the proper way to behave.  Model the behavior before the party.

"When Aunt Agnes gives you a gift, you say, 'thank you so much for the gift.  I am so glad you came to my party."

Remind the child, several times, that even if it is socks, he should say something nice like what you told him to say. 

For a young child, tell him or her that her behavior will be appreciated and that if they don't like the gift, most likely you can exchange it but that if she acts happy to have the gift, the giver will be very happy and if she shows the gift giver that she does not like it, the gift giver will be very sad.

It may take some practice and takes good prep work on your part, but will be successful.

The bottom line is it is irresponsible for a parenting magazine to excuse inexcusable, preventable behavior.

If you have high expectations for the behavior of your children, they will meet your expectations, but the opposite is also true. 

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To wean or not to wean

There is a lesson here, if you have time to read though this...

I have breastfed all four of my boys.  I feel passionate that it is the best thing to do for my children, but I also know that it is not always possible for everyone and do not judge others for their choices.  That said, I do think a mother owes it to her kids to at least give it a try before making a decision not to do it.

My four experiences have all been different from start to finish.  When I was expecting my first son, I was sure I would breastfeed him and did not expect any problems.  After he was born, via c-section, he latched on and nursed well during his first day.

Being a new mom, I had no idea what I was doing.  I had been told two things... that babies basically set their own schedules and that I should never wake a sleeping baby.  These two issues set me up for failure.  Zack slept 6 hours and when he awoke, he would not nurse.  He screamed and arched his back and refused to latch on.  In hind-sight, I assume he was starving and was impatient for the immediate satisfaction that came from a bottle that the nurses quickly gave him, after chastising me for letting him sleep too long.  He also turned out to be colicky and extremely sensitive to sensory stimulation, so it could have been anything and that is another issue entirely.

This was not the best start to motherhood.  I quickly insisted on leaving the hospital 48 hours after my c-section, hoping that once we were home, I could quietly nurse my baby without the pressure of the nurses.  Zack continued to refuse the breast, though.  Every time I tried to feed him, we both ended up frustrated and in tears.  I persisted, though.  I could not give up, so I continued to pump and bottle feed Zack.  Each feeding lasted twice as long as it should have because I would pump each time I bottle fed him, even through the night, to keep up with the need.  After 3 weeks, I was ready to call it quits.  I was exhausted and emotionally drained.

One day, though, we were sitting on the sofa, Zack drifting in and out of a nap in my arms.  I decided to see if I could get him to nurse while he was in that drowsy state, not so hungry.  Sure enough, he latched on and continued to happily do so for the next 14 months.

When he was 14 months, I decided he was old enough to do without the breastmilk and wanted to have some time before we started trying for number two.  The weaning process was a challenge, he was pretty attached to the experience, but I thought it was best for him to move on, so I persisted and after a few weeks, he was weaned.

When Dwight was born, he latched on and nursed very well, despite starting out with two days in the NICU and taking a bottle.  I was elated to have such an easy nursing experience and I learned that nipple confusion is a myth.  I was ready to nurse as long as he wanted.  When he was about 15 months, he weaned himself gradually.   I was not quite ready for it to happen, but he did it on his own and I followed his lead.

I always wanted four children, but I assumed that number three would be our last, so before Bob was even born, I was bound and determined to let him nurse until he was at least two.  We were moving overseas just after he turned two and I figured that the nursing would be great for transitioning him to the new surroundings (and 12 hour time difference.)  When he was born the first thing the nurse said to me when she brought him to me in recovery, after my third c-section, was "he is not going to be able to nurse.  He is very tongue tied."  I was shocked.  However, he did nurse pretty well.  I could tell he had to work hard at it, though, so we consulted an ENT and at six weeks of age, Bob had a frenulectomy.  (They clipped his frenulum, releasing the "tongue tie.")  He immediately nursed more easily and I thought my plan was full speed ahead...

Ah, but he had other plans.  When he turned one, he tossed the pacifier out of the crib, on his own, and two weeks later, he refused to nurse.  He weaned himself, cold turkey, and I was devastated.  I pumped and kept up my supply and continued to try to return him to the breast for 6 weeks, to no avail.  He had moved on.  I could not believe it.

Finally, while living overseas, we decided that our family needed a fourth child.  Harold was born while we were living in Beijing.  I could see, immediately, that he was tongue tied just like Bob had been.  I informed the OB and pediatrician that we would not leave the hospital until they had fixed the problem.  On day two of life, Harold had his frenulectomy and he nursed well.

We knew we would be moving again when he was 18 months so I was hoping to be able to breastfeed him through the move. By this time, though, I had wised up enough to know better than to count on it, but he worked with me and was still going strong when we moved.  Two separations did not even sway him.  I pumped during the absences and he took a bottle until I returned and he latched on without incident.

Harold turned two in December and showed no sign of weaning.  I began to wonder if this was the time to guide him through the weaning process but did not feel great about it.  He was so happy and I really hated to take that away from him.  I figured, though, that two was old enough and much past that might be too old.  So, we went from three feedings per day (wake-up, nap and bedtime) down to zero in about a month.  Last Tuesday was his last morning feeding.  He even gave it up on his own, much to my relief.  I wondered how I would ever give it up since it gave us an extra bit of time resting in the morning, but he woke up on Wednesday and said "Hi Mommy, we go downstairs now."  So, that was it!  Of course I had mixed feelings but I knew it was a good thing for both of us.

He asked to breastfeed once in a while over the next several days, but it was a quiet, half-hearted, request that he quickly moved on from each time.  Today, however, he awoke with a fever and stuffy nose and cough.  When he asked to nurse, I decided to let him.  The comfort and the nourishment it provides is like none other and withholding it seemed unnecessary.  So, here we are, back to the drawing board. 

The lesson I am hoping to provide in this very long, stream of consciousness, post is that it is great to have goals and a plan but try to keep them loose.  If you have a firm parenting plan, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration.  Children come with their own plans and it is up to us to figure them out and work with them.  We can learn lessons from our children, but each child is different so we have to be flexible.  This lesson is true for most aspects of parenting- sleep schedules, feeding, discipline and more.

When it comes to breastfeeding, I am a big advocate, but I always reassure my clients, friends and anyone who asks... Give it a try.  If it is a struggle at first, try hard to get through the first six weeks and most likely it will get considerably easier.  If not, evaluate the situation, give it a lot of thought and then make a choice.  It is your choice.  You have to decide what is the best path for both you and your baby.

So, we will see what tomorrow brings us...
Good luck!